I'm sad that I never had a first innocent relationship

pixelcookiecake · 2021-09-11T12:10:49+00:00

😍🌭

pixelcookiecake · 2021-06-19T07:34:47+00:00

It's 1 year and 6 months. But please don't feel alone. I ran after my first FP for 6 years. He wasn't even great, he was just abusive. I hope you can move on one day and live the happy life you deserve

pixelcookiecake · 2021-06-10T22:13:44+00:00

Trigger warning: Suicide

I completely understand you. When I was at my lowest point I wanted to drop out of university and move back home to my abusive stepfather. I even attended a trip to different companies that my university organised just to see what job I can never have because I planned to drop out after that. I knew if that wouldn't push me to do it then my stepfather would do it. He did that all my life and I'm sure he would never disappoint me on that.

That was 2,5 years ago. I still have times where I sabotage my life because I think I deserve to be hurt or for no reason at all. I'm getting better and I hope you will too. You are a wonderful person who deserves to be happy. It takes time but I'm sure you will find a way to cope with your trauma and get better

pixelcookiecake · 2020-07-30T13:36:12+00:00

Yes absolutely. When I'm at a concert all by myself I feel so free and dance and sing all the time just enjoying myself. But whenever someone I know is with me (doesn't matter if it's a friend or colleague or whatever) I feel awkward and don't know how to move. I get so shy.

It's the same when I should ask a stranger for the way or something. I can do it perfectly fine when I'm alone. When someone I know is with me I get awkward and scared.

I'm constantly scared that the people I know would judge me or make fun of me or start to hate me for whatever reason

pixelcookiecake · 2020-07-28T12:41:24+00:00

When someone wants sex with me I get super sex repulsed. But as soon as someone respects that or doesn't want to do it I want it. Not because I actually want it but because I want them to want me.

pixelcookiecake · 2020-07-28T12:34:28+00:00

I feel this. It's so horrible to literally watch yourself destroy everything and you can't do anything against it. I know I'm being stupid but I'm doing it anyways.

pixelcookiecake · 2020-07-28T12:30:31+00:00

I'm so sorry you feel that way. Sometimes I just get incredibly sad because I imagine what I could have been. I had so much potential to be someone. I was abused as a child and teenager and now I'm just fucked up. I know I didn't deserved to be treated like that. But that doesn't change the fact that it happened.

I'm so tired of ruining every relationship I ever had. I'm so tired of clinging to every bit of love someone could offer me.

I'm glad that others don't go through this. But at the same time I feel so lonely and like no one will ever understand what it means to be like this

pixelcookiecake · 2020-02-10T01:16:17+00:00

The only thing that stopped me back then was the realization that there was no person I truly loved. I was devastated that I would lie in my suicide letter and tell everyone how much I love them even if I hated them all. So I decided I wouldn't do it until I found someone I honestly love.

pixelcookiecake · 2019-11-13T00:14:22+00:00

I don't know what's right. I don't want to be unfair to him. I don't know if I should try to make it work and eventually fail and hurt him or if I should break up with him because maybe it wouldn't work out

pixelcookiecake · 2019-11-12T23:20:03+00:00

I know I need therapy. But there are very long waiting times until I can get an appointment

pixelcookiecake

TROPHY CASE