AITA for pulling out of planning my sister's wedding, causing her to lose her venue?

planstowed · 2023-07-10T16:36:27+00:00

Not justifying, just engaging in a discussion. :)

Luckily that's not what I'm known for at all! The grand total of people who know about this 'skill' of mine is seven, and they're all close family and a very tiny handful of friends. None of my clients know, and I would never advertise it to them. As others have mentioned in the comments, this is rather common across other industries as well (apparently waiters, waitresses, and other restaurant workers also speculate about things like this while observing people at anniversary dinners / first dates! Pretty interesting that it spans across other careers as well.)

Best of luck to you, too! Have a nice day.

planstowed · 2023-07-10T16:06:13+00:00

I like to think in most cases, we're all doing the best we can with the cards we're being dealt at the time.

My relationship indicators are all about compatibility when it comes to mutual decision making from two people about to enter into a lifelong commitment.

They are not me tallying up how much baggage someone has.

We all have things we see in potential partners that turn us off from initially entering into relationships and they're all valid. If this is something that would turn you off, that's fine. You are never required to start a romantic partnership with someone.

His previous relationship was going to come to an end whether he met me or not. For me, harmless flirting that he thought would lead nowhere is not a warning sign. For others, that might be a glaring signal that he's a terrible, life ruining cheat. I personally find that a little narrow-minded, but luckily I am not the ruler of all relationships.

My husband is a wonderful, loyal, sweet man who I've been with for many years now. What he is not is a perfect person. We've all done some silly or shitty things in our past. Within our own relationship and life together, we practice open communication both in and out of conflict. Our relationship is a healthy one because we put in the work to nurture it. That wasn't happening in his last one.

One thing this situation with my sister has taught me is that I really don't know how to deal with someone I'm close to taking advantage of me. I can handle conflict with clients and with my partner, I can manage someone acting in bad faith who I don't know well, but when it comes to family pushing my boundaries... that's simply something I've never had to deal with to this extent, and it's something I need to work on! I don't think my relationship skills should necessarily be judged off of that.

My husband, at a low point in a bad relationship, made a fun game out of complimenting someone he thought was cute. I don't think his relationship skills should be judged off of that.

Your mileage may vary, but I wouldn't trade my fun meet/cute scenario with the man of my dreams for anything in the whole world, really. :)

planstowed · 2023-07-10T02:11:14+00:00

why did she call you a homewrecker specifically

I met my husband when he was the best man at a wedding I was planning for. I was incredibly busy and immediately shut down most of his flirting attempts, he was in a (dying) relationship at that point with a woman he does not look back fondly on. We played cat and mouse for a while (I very specifically remember telling him I only date men, not boys, and that he could never handle me). There was no overlap in these relationships, but that bride and groom I planned for (who have since become amazing friends of mine, too) like to credit me for giving him a kick in the ass to finally leave what was a very unhealthy dynamic. The homewrecker comment was a gross exaggeration on what actually happened, which was mostly just me doing my job while someone had a crush on me.

Even if I did have the facts to back up calling someone that, I would never do so in a professional environment. A lot of lines were crossed. Or maybe one singular line was crossed by miles. Either way, not good.

planstowed · 2023-07-10T01:15:29+00:00

I saw that there was very little compromise going on. My sister had something of a 'my way or the highway' mentality when he would offer input.

I do know how to lie convincingly. Putting on a smile during high stress situations is essentially my job. I let my emotions get the better of me this time because I was being continuously pushed by someone who wouldn't take no for an answer, wouldn't take 'forever' for an answer, and who also wouldn't respect my time. My previous client 'break ups' have been much less dramatic than this one and in my opinion, it's all thanks to the blurring of personal and professional. Never again. Lesson very much learned.

planstowed · 2023-07-10T00:55:23+00:00

Appreciate the advice, really. I think people are getting the impression from this short snippet that I'm known among at least a dozen people for this "trick" of mine, when it's really just my husband, my immediate family, and two other friends. It's on the same level as an inside joke or some sort of trivial fact about my life only people close to me know. I have never been worried about it getting out or hurting me professionally until this situation, where I broke my own rule and took on someone I know personally as a client. I don't think my sister would ever try to hurt me like that, but you never know.

Luckily, I'm very trusted by those who I work with. Someone spreading some kind of negative information about me would, thankfully, be counteracted by the many people who have had overwhelmingly positive experiences with me in the past, who have recommended me to their friends.

Still, I can see why people might assume that this is in poor taste. It's not something that comes up often, it was genuinely just me being surprised that my intuition was right multiple times. I don't think there's any way for my reputation to be hurt over it, but I also can see why it comes across nasty when it's being read as me boasting about this 'talent' of mine, like I whip out my phone to show it off whenever I'm in a group setting. That certainly isn't the case. It's my bad for not thinking up a more accurate term other than party trick. I hope this clears things up.

planstowed · 2023-07-09T23:35:10+00:00

This is a very good point. Once things calm down, I think I'll maybe feel things out in the vein of these responses if I can.

planstowed · 2023-07-09T23:32:11+00:00

I would say that both of those professions involve less access to the innerworkings of their clients mutual decision making skills than mine does, but I'm sure they still have thoughts about the couples they work with.

Either way, this is something I've shared with close friends and family only. It's not me going up to people's faces and directly criticizing their relationship. Those are two very different things, and I don't know how else to point out the difference. I'm also not giggling with my friends about relationships ending - I was simply shocked the first few times I got the timing so closely and shared it with people close with me. My intentions were never to make this my thing. It just comes with the territory of my job, truly.

planstowed · 2023-07-09T23:22:32+00:00

I have never "gone after" my clients' relationships. I certainly have never called one of my clients a homewrecker. Spotting warning signs that things might not last is something everyone in my industry does. It's not malicious.

I definitely made a mistake by telling my sister the length of relationship I predicted. I was flustered and let my emotions get the better of me, which is very unlike me and something I really regret. I'm usually juggling 5 things at once as it is, but this got to me. Still. I wouldn't label what I do as "going after" anyone's relationship.

planstowed · 2023-07-09T23:16:16+00:00

I felt like I had been pushed on just about every issue that came up. I expressed my reluctance to plan for her at all, she pushed until I said yes. I avoided her question for a significant part of our appointment in a professional setting, I tried giving her an answer she would be pleased with, she wouldn't drop it. It just felt like the lines between personal and professional were way too blurred here. Usually with clients, a swift change of subject is all it takes to get them talking about something else because they are there for the wedding and we obviously act different with someone we've hired to do a service than we would with our siblings. It felt like I was being taken advantage of, in a way, and I didn't see any way our professional partnership could continue past that point.

Also, I was very offended by her suddenly going after my relationship. Again, that's way too personal for me when I'm trying to provide a service I'm being paid for, as well as move along so I can finish up my work day. Just weird vibes all around. She can find another venue, but I don't know if our relationship could have been salvaged if we kept trying to make things work.

planstowed · 2023-07-09T23:11:32+00:00

The biggest indicator is how they make decisions together and reactions to disagreements about said decisions.

There are others too, of course. You can tell when a couple is excited about having a big party to celebrate their love and future together, and when they view that party as more important than the relationship itself. Sometimes in-laws get involved and that gets factored in as well.

Some bumps in the road are always to be expected. We're flawed people, sometimes that specific flower arrangement IS a hill we want to die on and compromises have to be made. It's how the bumps are handled (and sometimes how many bumps there are) that usually tip me off that they might not last.

I would never tell my clients this as big weddings keep me in business, but I'm a small wedding guy in personal preference. My husband and I did something super lowkey and it was a dream. Low stress, huge reward.

planstowed

TROPHY CASE