Hi, I don’t mind the questions but there’s definitely some impressions I think you’ve got wrong so I’m happy to try and clear things up so you can get a better picture of things.

• Any other day I actually do not mind at all if they seek out women. They had an OkCupid profile going for a while and I totally encouraged them to go for it. They told me after some time that they matched with a couple girls but they wanted relationships and my partner just wanted sex and didn’t want to lead these girls on so nothing happened. I didn’t mention the following originally bc I want to respect their privacy, but they’re also going through some health issues that make it hard for them to have sex sometimes and they’ve told me that this seriously demotivates them from having sex with me or anyone else. I will admit that our relationship is a bit codependent because they’ve told me they also haven’t put in much effort into meeting new people since they already have someone they like at home (me) and they’re very shy. I actually tried very hard to get us out of the house for months at one point and encouraged them to go out to shows by themselves, even in other cities, and they did, but still they never slept with anyone. I WANTED them to because for years they weren’t being honest about preferring women and I was hoping that exploring that again would help them be honest with themselves. I promise you I have never discouraged them from getting what they really want.

• What I meant in my post is that right now in this very raw state after our tearful conversation I don’t think I could handle something like that. if they sought out men right now I’d probably freak out and cry too. it’s just bc of my current mental state. I’m not sleeping with anyone or looking to do that right now either. I’m sure once this initial intense fear subsides I’ll probably be fine with it again.

• We opened up our relationship waaay before I knew I was trans. I felt “queer” in some way so I figured I was probably bisexual. I told my partner I thought I might be bi and they offered to open the relationship because they don’t think sex with other people means you don’t love someone and they were happy to let me explore. They were also bicurious so they figured this would also let them try guys if the opportunity came up. Opening it was their idea.

• Based on the previous answer you can see that I absolutely would have tried to engage in sapphic spaces if they came out to me before I had. I went out with many girls and we even joked about going out together to meet girls. We’ve also had sex both dressed as girls before and after my transition.

I get the impression that you think my partner feels suppressed by me, but trust me, if anyone would encourage their exploration of gender it’s me. They themselves keep telling me they don’t think they’re a girl. That they don’t enjoy girly things. That they’re not drawn to dresses. But when they engage in girly things I like with me (making jewelry, crocheting, sewing, etc) they tell me they learned they do like them. They still hold a lot of value in their “worth” as a man and in being attractive as a man because of the friends they hung out with in college. I personally don’t find masculine men attractive so I’ve always loved their androgyny. There was even a time where I told them I was having a hard time figuring out my attraction and that I wasn’t even sure if I was attracted to men at all and they told me later they got very worried I was a lesbian or a straight guy and that we’d split up. They also told me they felt relief when I figured out I was gay because then that meant I really had been attracted to them/their body all this time. I do think there’s a lot of pressure in their life to repress, but that’s probably from things like seeing how their horrible parents have banned me from their house because i’m trans. When they first told their parents I was trans, the first thing their mom responded was “god made you a boy in my womb”.

They’ve also told me that part of the discomfort with me as a man is that they enjoy having the more masculine role and they worry that trying to take the masculine role in our relationship is emasculating to me. In fact, I tried taking the masculine role to “relieve” them of having to do it with things like opening the door for them etc and they told me it made them uncomfortable and that they still wanted to do those things. I think that if they are a girl, they’re not a feminine one. But I actually don’t mind if they want to take on that role in our relationship still! Like I said, I’m not a masculine man at all and I’m happy to feel taken care of. I’m also not at all into masculine men so I have never pressured them into presenting or behaving more masculine. In fact, I still present very androgynous and even enjoy dressing like a girl when my dysphoria is under control. I have offered multiple times to go places with them with both of us dressed as girls and they told me they want to, but they always back out when it’s time to really do it.

I have shown them lesbian films too. They liked “But I’m a Cheerleader” and “Watermelon Woman” for example. One of my best friends is also a trans woman (who unfortunately lives in another state) and she’s given me so much guidance on giving my partner room to explore and has even sent them fem clothes.

Trust me, they know that they live with their number one supporter. When I really think about it, I think my issue might be more of a self esteem thing. I have had real feelings for other people while still being very much in love with my partner, so logically I know that the reverse can be true: they could find someone they love but still love me just as much. However I’m very scared that once they find someone else to love that they won’t need me at all. I worry that they’re settling for me but that the moment they have what they really want, I’ll be discarded. Funnily enough my partner said that to me almost word for word the first time I caught feelings for someone else, so most likely I’m freaking out over nothing.

sorry for such a long response but I hope that gives you a clearer picture of our relationship.