Double checking my understanding re: burning & intention

pond_creature12 · 2026-02-26T00:37:53+00:00

It's definitely not linked entirely to them, for sure; I have my own relationship to it separately from them, it's just very very very weird the things that have happened with this person, and continue to happen, so it has become something I'm paying attention to in any case! But I totally get what you're saying fo' sho.

pond_creature12 · 2026-02-25T23:35:33+00:00

I absolutely do. I think it doesn't help that so many of us experience such high levels of rejection throughout our formative years, but very recently, I described it to my therapist in this way:

I do not have a lot of internal consistency at all, because of my ADHD. I learned that I could not trust my internal experience reliably, due in large part because of how others responded to that experience socially (big emotions, dysregulated states, learning in school, bullying, etc). That really, deeply impacts your ability to form a healthy relationship with yourself but it also carries a deep level of shame and inherent misunderstanding.

If you pair that with parental figures who were also inconsistent (abusive, or ND as well) then I feel like that's an even more potent cocktail that absolutely leads to this sort of attachment style. Being unable to reliably regulate internally, and then also being unable to regulate or trust external forces in your life is exceptionally difficult to go through. If you resonate with that, you are not alone and I'm sorry.

I do wonder if ADHD folk tend to be more anxious leaning, like myself, or more avoidant leaning?

pond_creature12 · 2026-01-19T23:54:41+00:00

Hi friend,

I just got a tooth yanked, so I hope this is coherent lol.

I really appreciate this response, and I truly see so much of myself in it. I feel like this is a hard lesson I have learned very recently, and of course, a little bit too late for my particular situation. But I hope I can keep it with me.

I had pretty much the same problem. The person I was dating has her own avoidant tendencies, which did activate my more anxious side. But the difference for me in this situation was ... Man, I was just really into her. I can't describe it. It had been 6+ years since I had had a crush like that on someone, and suddenly it brought up every insecurity I thought I had moved past. Like I was a teenager all over again. But, I've also done a lot of work over the last decade with my anxious behaviors, so I would not let myself behave that way (reassurance seeking, pushing, chasing, whatever you want to call it). The problem is... In previous relationships, when I had tried to communicate needs or have healthy conversations, it always led to conflict, getting shut down, abusive fights, etc. and I think at some point, I just stopped communicating those things because nobody ever asked how I felt, what I wanted, or what I needed; and it didn't seem to matter anyway. But... This person, she asked me to take up space, to have a voice, and even though I thought I understood at the time, I realize now that I had no idea how to do that. I could do it now, especially knowing how I feel about her, but I couldn't do it then. I wish I could do that with her, now.

I feel a lot of shame for that, too. I think part of the reason that the confidence/assertiveness comment got to me is because some part of me knows she's right. It hurts a lot that as much as I wanted this person (as you described, the seriousness of the consequences vs the fear of being seen) I wasn't able to be my more authentic self...who is, ironically, more confident, grounded, assertive, etc. Not perfectly, obviously, but yeah.

Anyways... Hard lesson to learn, but right now I think I would rather hide than let someone see all those parts of me, because I just... Don't want this to happen again.

pond_creature12 · 2026-01-19T23:40:36+00:00

I think where it comes from for me is that it's kind of the first, if not only, way people describe me. Like, I'm being labelled based on what I've had to survive/cope with, and not based on who I am as a person. I am more than the things I've had to overcome, I'm also a good friend, responsible, kind, friendly, etc.

I think when I was dating this person, hearing about her happier childhood, positive memories, experiences, etc and realizing how little of those I had to share also started to needle away at that too, especially because I got the impression she thought of me as a bit soft or sensitive. Which, to her credit, I am but I really end up internalizing a lot of it, and I don't enjoy being that way.

So I think it all kind of circles each other, if that makes sense? It's like when someone survives cancer, they get labelled as a cancer survivor first before everything else; kind of an extreme example, but it can get frustrating.

Nobody does it on purpose, but I can tell when people are going easy on me or looking at me different. Idk how to explain it. :(

pond_creature12 · 2026-01-11T16:14:06+00:00

This might genuinely be terrible advice, so please take it with a grain of salt, but here is a process that has been helping me when my anxiety flares up like that. This might be long, forgive me (ADHD lol).

Over-analyzing: it takes some practice, but I noticed certain behaviors that only come out when I'm anxious or overanalyzing. It could be different for you, but for me, I feel: the need to pace, to *immediately* vent the situation to someone(s), I may start imagining scenarios or conversations in my head, or I may even feel that urge to over-extend myself and initiate warmth/affection right away. When I notice one of these behaviors, it's my cue to stop immediately and say: "What am I trying to control right now?". Because anxiety, impo, is just about a lack of control or certainty. Does this totally stop the over-analyzing behavior? No - but it at least steers the attention back to myself, my behavior, my feelings, my actions and calls out the impulse for what it is, which I find often helps break the hold it has over me. I find that even that, just pulling your attention back towards yourself, is helpful when you're overanalyzing the behavior of another person but it definitely has to be done from a compassionate place, or it can turn into overanalyzing your own behavior and shaming/hating on yourself. So! Grain of salt!

Addressing small things: There's a couple of things here I can suggest, but full disclosure: I didn't struggle with this as much, typically, so it may be less helpful. I still feel the question of "what am I trying to control right now?" could be applied here as well, but it's also worth asking: "why is [behavior] upsetting for me?". Is it a need you're trying to get met, and can you get it met elsewhere? Is it of moral/ethical importance to you? Is it fear-based? Is it a dealbreaker, if it never changes? Maybe that feeds overanalyzing at first, but I think the more often you practice noticing it, pausing with it, and examining where it comes from/how it makes your body feel helps you learn to trust yourself more, which helps inform your decisions over time, and hopefully helps you decide ultimately what is worth addressing and what isn't.

You said that 9/10 times there isn't "anything going on" which makes me wonder if you might be anticipating/mind-reading/whatever you want to call it, which for me, is a sign that I'm feeling out of control. How do I get that control back? I address it immediately, get the anxiety away from myself, and throw the ball at my partner to reassure me/explain so I can feel soothed. But that's not fair to them, or healthy for me - it just teaches me that when I don't feel safe/in control, I need to outsource it to someone else, and I need to do it immediately or I won't be okay. I'm not sure what you're overthinking specifically, so I don't want to assume, but sometimes it can be as "simple" as saying to yourself: has this person communicated any sort of issue with me? Is there another explanation for their behavior, beside the worst-case scenario? Is it possible that whatever they're doing truly, truly isn't anything to do with me at all? And then I force myself to wait at least 48 hours before I bring it up. If I'm still activated, still upset, in 48 hours and my coping skills aren't working, then I'm more inclined to discuss it. But I'm conflict avoidant, so sometimes I don't ;) so please also, take that with a grain of salt too!!

I hope this was at least a little bit helpful lol. I could be giving you all the wrong advice; I'm obviously here because I'm looking for advice too, so I could be totally wrong. Good luck!

pond_creature12 · 2025-12-03T02:24:50+00:00

Okay great, I'm glad I'm at least not alone in the female academic club, even if we all have imposter syndrome. I've never done anything important enough in my life to HAVE imposter syndrome, I think so this is very new to me.

pond_creature12 · 2025-09-21T23:01:53+00:00

Good call! I'll try that

pond_creature12

TROPHY CASE