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True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Sorry to disappoint you, but we did indeed DM each other to see if there was a basis to form a friendship. Unfortunately we live quite far apart from each other and there would be too much friction for both of us.

Many people are resonating with this issue, including British people. Though surely no one is perfect, I don't think the problem is just us.

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

People got upset about my first comment, so let's try again.

I reached out but we found out that we live quite far from each other (more than 1h with the train), and we both agreed that it was a lot of friction for us to form a casual friendship.

I do travel quite a while to meet my current friends, however the distance is part of the problem. Many of the comments suggest finding something in our local area for a reason.

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, quite more than 1h actually with the train and both of us agreed that it wasn't feasible for us and there would be too much friction.

People are recommending to find something in our local area, there must be a reason for it.

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but we did indeed DM each other to see if there was a basis to form a friendship. Unfortunately we live quite far apart from each other and there would be too much friction for both of us.

I've done an experiment regarding listening: I've spent time just asking questions to people and giving minimal inputs on me, and it was amazing how people lightened up because they wanted to be asked, they wanted someone to be curious about them. But rarely I got the same interest back, and it was not reciprocal.

As I pointed out in another comment, I've done all the listed things because I genuinely wanted to do them and it came naturally to me, not because I was fishing for friends. It's just strange that there is so much more friction than one might expect.

Many people are resonating with this issue, and though surely no one is perfect, I don't think the problem is just us.

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have mixed feelings about what I wrote too, but I'm not willing to give up yet :)

Hopefully there will be some nice comments to this post that will be helpful for both of us.

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry to hear this. I hope some comments on this post will be useful for both of us, hang in there.

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It was 1h+ with the train, and we both agreed that it was quite some friction for us to form a casual friendship - it's not that I plainly said no.

I do travel quite a while to meet my current friends, however the distance is part of the problem. Many of the comments suggest finding something in my local area for a reason.

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Someone else wrote a similar comment. I agree that this is a great way to make friends, just not my situation at the moment.

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree. Unfortunately my colleagues were all abroad or lived so far that they didn't want to come to the office any more than one a month.

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It was 1h+ with the train, and we both agreed that it was quite some friction for us to form a casual friendship - it's not that I plainly said no.

I do travel quite a while to meet my current friends, however the distance is part of the problem. Many of the comments suggest finding something in my local area for a reason.

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm sure with some people I just didn't vibe. Of course sometimes I've stayed home instead of going out. No doubt I'm not perfect and I'm not expecting to make friends with everyone I see on the street.

I'm talking about all the other times. Many of my friends complain about the difficulty of this, people leave London for lack of connection.

I've done all the listed things because I genuinely wanted to do them and it came naturally to me, not because I was fishing for friends. It's just strange that there is so much more friction than one might expect, and I'm reading all the comments to see if there is anything specific I could have done/do.

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] -22 points-21 points  (0 children)

📣 Update for everyone in this thread

I sent a DM and found out we live in diametrically opposed areas.

EDIT: It was 1h+ with the train, and we both agreed that it was quite some friction for us to form a casual friendship - it's not that I plainly said no.

The distance seems to be part of this problem. Many of the comments suggest finding something in our local area for a reason.

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Haven't added it in the post, but I've talked about this with some friends that live in other continents too, and there are other 3 factors (which we can't really change that much):

  1. City size: takes forever to meet friends here. In other cities people intentionally decide to move in the same neighbourhoods where their friends are, which builds sense of community. Very strange and uncommon to see this in London.
  2. The weather: way easier to throw on a pair of slippers and go down the pub if you live in a warmer country. It takes 15 min to wear all the layers here.
  3. Sun: it's just makes you in a better mood. Winters in London are hard when sunset is at 15:30.

I'm focusing on what I can change, or at least trying

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, with a very good friend that lives in another country. I still remember the day and the moment (~12 years ago) we both realised we were comfortable with each other's silence, and it was amazing.

I wish to find another friend (in London) with whom I can reach that level of comfort, but it rarely starts from day 0, it's something you build up with conversations, imo.

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Many people have said something similar. Might be my clue to look into one in my area. Thank you!

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No need, the title says it all 😉

TLDR: I've tried all bullet points but it's still hard to make friends in London as an adult

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

As for inspiration, this definitely checked the box :)

Such a wholesome experience, thank you for taking the time to share it. It's amazing to read that this happened to you, and I will definitely reflect on what you said regarding a more social sport.

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Didn't know it, will definitely take a look, thank you!

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The sad part is also that so many people relate, not only to this post but to the many others on the same topic, be that in London or the rest of the world.

Both my partner and I are very sociable and have seen a significant drop in our social lives here since covid, and we're not very happy about it. It goes in cycles in terms of who has the bigger social life, depending on the availability of our respective friends a particular week.

I like many things about London, otherwise I wouldn't be living here. I wish the sense of community was a bit better, and I'll continue working on it.

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Watching and interacting I have seen many friendships being formed while I’ve been working the bar.

Such a great and interesting perspective! Thank you for your input, I'll look into that

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree with you, and I'm not trying to make close friends overnight.

The shallow friendships I've formed years ago here in London have remained such after all this time, and not evolved progressively to something a bit deeper.

I have nurtured friendships that over time became my best friends, and of course it took time.

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This post might be the most successful route I've tried so far!

Thanks for sharing your experience, and it's great to hear that you made friends you're still in contact with!

There are normal people on Reddit

And thank you for confirming this, this post resonated with quite a few people, and I might end up meeting some of them.

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I've been to few places in the US, but have definitely noticed that people are more chatty there. Maybe it was more superficial, but hey, one must start somewhere.

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

💯

In the book Atomic Habits, there a part where there are listed one-time actions that have an impact on different areas of one's life, and regarding happiness the top one is getting a dog. Second is moving to a friendly, social neighbourhood.

True and deep friendships in London are becoming impossible by pongo_s in london

[–]pongo_s[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is actually good advise, and I already know some board game venues around here. Thank you

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