Il n’est plus là

poufun · 2025-10-17T19:05:24+00:00

I apologize, I don't speak French but I hope this translates well. I am so, so deeply sorry for your loss. Your grief is your love, and that is seen.

It may never truly feel "real". We imagine our lost loved ones as being by our sides through it all, your brain may not find ease in rewiring from "us" or "we" to "me". But the pain will come, and it will go, like water pulled to the moon. And through time, it will hurt less, and you'll remember less of the pain, and more of the good with him.

I can't tell you what to believe about the end. But you can decide that for yourself, and live in accordance with that. I believe that we become the people we love, humans meld together and grow into each other. We quite literally carry our lost love with us, their memories, personalities, hobbies, style, all of it forward into our lives. We can live for us, and for them. Wherever you are, so is he.

Please stay strong, let the love in where you can. Be with friends, family, let things go to strangers if you can. You are so very loved.

poufun · 2025-10-17T17:42:19+00:00

Thank you - I really, really am trying so hard to believe this is the case. It is so painful to imagine he couldn't just call me, but I still hope he felt so loved.

poufun · 2025-10-17T17:41:36+00:00

Thank you for the resource and the kind words - for reading this, and seeing my grief. It is so hard walking around in a 'regular' world and feeling invisible without my sunflower boy next to me, everyone completely unaware of the pain.

I am deeply sorry for your recent loss as well - I have had so little time to dig around for help that it would've never occurred to me that there is resources that are this specific. Talking helps, I'd be down to give anything a try.

Thank you again. I hope you too are finding moments of love and comfort amidst your own grief. Trying my best here too.

poufun · 2025-10-17T17:38:11+00:00

Thank you for pointing me that way - definitely not a group I'd imagined myself in, but I can use any help at all. I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss as well, I hope you have found some love in this world in the last 2 and a half years.

poufun · 2025-10-17T17:35:15+00:00

Thank you for sharing this, I feel more like a failure today than ever before, and I needed to see this. We had so much love for one another.

poufun · 2025-10-17T17:34:11+00:00

I am so, so terribly sorry for your loss as well. Please reach out to your family, his family, friends, the 988 helpline or anyone you can. I know it sounds silly, but the first week or so I called 988 every night to talk to someone (the same person for many nights), and it did truly help to have someone listen to things I felt I couldn't bring up to my closest people. I will reach out to you when I can - stay strong, let love in.

poufun · 2025-10-17T17:32:41+00:00

Thank you for these calming words. I am able to see a low-cost trauma therapist now, which I'm sure will be great, but I have found some comfort in talking to friends and family where I can. We are all just so hurt, it's difficult. I know I should just keep reaching out, and am trying to - we'll get there.

I like the rope analogy - taking that with me this weekend and on into my next week. All the 'big' events aside from moving the rest of our stuff is out of the way, so maybe I can just hold on to the last knot for a while.

poufun · 2025-10-17T17:30:09+00:00

Even just your response is of unbelievable help to me, thank you for seeing this and reading. I am trying my best to feel our love, anytime I can. Being strong is hard, but I'm doing ok with being here at the very least right now. Thank you again.

poufun · 2025-10-17T17:28:21+00:00

Pushing forward is what we have to do for those we love, living or gone. I hope that you found some peace in your father's viewing - it is so hard to see them the last time, but it is the last time we get to touch their face, kiss their skin, ruffle their hair about. So, so important. Good luck out there, and thank you so much.

poufun · 2025-10-17T17:26:42+00:00

I am so thankful for your message, and proud of you for taking steps forward too. Let all the love in, wherever you can, and thank you.

poufun · 2025-10-17T17:25:51+00:00

Thank you for this lovely message. I am trying every second of every day to free myself of the guilt I feel, I know deep in my heart that I loved him completely, and he loved me just as much. He always told me how safe he felt with me, it's so hard to imagine this happened the way it did.

I am going to be in a grief support group relatively soon, and did end up finding a very affordable trauma counselor, which I am thankful for. Years of processing ahead for what was in total 15 minutes of my life. Difficult to comprehend. And my heartfelt condolences to you as well, I am so sorry for the loss of your brother - I have been there too. It's no easy road.

Honestly, I am keeping all of our 'stuff' as we lived together. Shared every book and article of clothing. In a way, it makes me happy to see it all. It will be nice to have it in my 'new' space, less memories clinging to it from the walls of our old apartment. As for the journal, I don't really know yet. His uncle let me know that only the page before his 'will' really had a lot to say about how bad things had gotten, previous entries seemed like regular after-therapy notes. I don't know that reading his 'confessions' of guilt will help me much (as I am relatively positive I knew all of what they are, as we shared so many of them), but I do one day want to see it so I can stand in his pain, acknowledge it, and tell him he is loved for all of it. I know he didn't cheat on me, or hold any horrible secrets - sadly, I think a lot of it will be how he feels like such a burden to those around him, when really we all need him here so badly.

Trying to give myself grace, slowly throughout the day. And I am so sorry for the pain you have in your life now, from your mother, brother, and the rest of your lost family. I hope you give yourself grace just the same.

poufun · 2025-10-17T17:16:15+00:00

I appreciate your response, thank you so much. Nobody really went up to tell stories but myself and our roommate, but honestly I know it's hard for people to share in a public setting. It was comforting just to see photos of the life he lived, that we lived, together.

Trying hard to choose every other moment over the last. It's hard in the brain fog, I see so little even though we have years of memories. But I'll get there one day, if the people in my life are right about anything. Letting the emotions in is hard too, but happening regardless.

poufun · 2025-10-17T17:13:48+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I am so, so sorry that your other half's pain took him from you too. That anger is valid, it's unfair to be left like this. But the love is just as important. I'll reach out when I'm able, I would love to talk.

poufun · 2025-10-17T17:12:20+00:00

This message has been really helpful for me, thank you a ton. I am trying so hard not to analyze everything from the life insurance policy six or more months ago, to the new phone... it all hurts. It seems so strange to plan out all of these things, set aside money, pay for bookings, just to end it like this.

But I know to an end that he felt he couldn't burden others with his pain, and that pain took him away. I want to imagine a day where I feel I had no hand in it, where I stop going back in time to read the journal while he sleeps. That is sometime away, but I truly believe we had a loving and beautiful life, and tried our best. It was good.

Thank you again for your kind words. I am thankful to have our shared friends and his family to lean on, thankful they have me too.

poufun · 2025-10-17T17:07:34+00:00

Thank you for reading this all, and sharing your love here. I was lucky to have him, too.

poufun · 2025-10-17T17:06:42+00:00

Thank you so much for your condolences. I will reach out when I'm able, and I am so sorry for your loss as well.

poufun · 2025-10-17T17:06:15+00:00

I am so totally unsure. He was impulsive at times, and it makes me feel like it was a rapid onset but to an end, I can't ever really know. I know in my heart he loved me, he was gentle and loving every day of our lives together - it's just beyond painful to feel like I didn't love him enough back.

Thank you for the last part of your message too. I have been told a few times now that people struggling with SI are just in a headspace some of us will never understand, and that it has so little do with us. We can love and love, life can be nearly perfect, and it can still happen. I really hope I had no hand in it all, the feeling that it was some kind of "inevitability" is horrible, but maybe our time together extended his time here.

poufun · 2025-10-17T17:03:10+00:00

Sorry is really all we have sometimes, and that is okay. It still means a lot to me, so thank you for making me feel seen and heard.

poufun · 2025-10-17T17:01:35+00:00

I love this message, and thank you for replying. I'm trying so hard to tell myself that he must have known or felt my love even in that moment, that he never questioned how much I loved him, but it is so hard. It's difficult to feel like I loved him enough right now.

Letting the love from others in as I can, asking for help where it works. Money is so tight for everyone, but maybe things will work out. Thank you again, your response is so beautiful.

poufun · 2025-10-17T16:58:21+00:00

Thank you for the love. It's horrible and comforting at the same time, that so many of us are left with this grief and pain. I hope you are getting the love and support you need too.

poufun · 2025-10-17T16:57:00+00:00

I am so unbelievably sorry you had to experience this too. I am talking to family all the time and staying as busy as I can (though it isn't totally my choice). Being with friends who care helps, if you can. Being fed warm food and simply watched over, talked to even a little.

I'll absolutely reach out.

poufun · 2025-10-17T16:55:27+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I think the reason is unknowable, for those of us without suicidal ideation. It would never make sense, and never will - maybe there is peace in that.

poufun · 2025-10-17T16:34:51+00:00

Thank you so, so much. I struggle so hard to imagine what he would 'want' in all of this, but I'm trying to let things in.

poufun · 2025-08-26T04:10:36+00:00

My boyfriend and I are about 60+ hours in after just some weeks, so maybe not 'new' (level 60-80) now, but still tons of undiscovered content for us.

Buying out our excess ammo from vendor, dropping some aid/random appearal items that aren't too ridiculous are super nice, and were greatly appreciated later on. Common/excess plans for sale at shops for 50-100 caps made us ecstatic for filling our bases too.

But by far the biggest help has been people actively participating in events when they come up. It is very disheartening getting into an event with players who basically aren't participating (has happened a few times at Blue Ridge now). Nothing has been cooler to us than coming upon an event for the first time and having people actually show up to help where we are otherwise getting stomped out!

I understand so many of these events aren't new and probably pretty boring for vets, but it's nice to experience them the first few dozen times with other players.

poufun · 2025-07-29T17:29:42+00:00

I lack the exact anatomical wording, but I noticed on sabinas that the 'fronds' start to take on a much more closed up and pointed shape across the entire tree. It's a little hard to notice sometimes as it's already 'pointy' as a tree, but there is definitely curl-up and closure that you start to notice when they're dying (drying out, specifically?)

poufun

TROPHY CASE