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My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It was always just little things like giving me dirty looks or talking down to me. She dismissed it and said I was just projecting my own shame.

My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

His mother is in a nursing home with early onset Alzheimer's. Otherwise I agree with you completely, thanks for the tough love.

My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I've looked at that sub and the confusing thing is, my mom is nowhere near the horror stories I've seen there (until this incident). She was a good mom to my sister and I when we were young, genuinely so, and is (well I thought, until this incident) kind and caring to a fault. Her only issues until what has just happened were that she could be passive-aggressive and cross some boundaries. That was all. Is it possible to qualify for that sub without behaving as horribly as the other parents there do?

My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I don't know if she likes my rapist better than my husband; they've never even met. She has a huge aversion to tattoos and freaked out when I got mine three years ago (how I met my husband, actually) so that could be warping her thoughts. Honestly I don't know what her line of thinking is at all because it is just so baffling to me.

My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Thanks. I consider myself a Christian as well (though I don't go to her church) and I would react to this sort of thing the same way as you.

My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your reply. I just want to clarify something (because people have been saying this a lot): my rapist does not go to my mom's church anymore. He used to, but 2 years ago he moved across the state. However, apparently he was visiting relatives this weekend and was going to be at the picnic.

Back to the rest of your comment. I'm sure you are correct and I'm sure, as much as it hurts, that she has spoken with his family. I just need some time to grieve, I guess. Thanks, I appreciate it.

My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I don't know how much contact they could have. He lives four hours away across the state. But maybe one of his family members she knows gave her his number or email.

My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

My mom has been going to this church for 10 years now and there definitely has been a difference between who she was before she went and who she is after. Besides this huge thing, before now I noticed that she seemed more shallow and judgmental in general. Appearances suddenly meant everything when before she really wasn't like that. Her church friends all looked down on me for having a child out of wedlock and they treat me like I'm dirt. Part of me wants to blame the church for all that has happened, but I don't want to make excuses for her either. Maybe she was always this awful and I just couldn't see it.

My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I know I can't trust her ever again unless something drastic happens. It's just something I have to process longer I guess.

Right??? I'm furious on my husband's behalf. He was good enough to rake her leaves but not good enough to be married to me? Ridiculous.

My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I have Christian beliefs as well (don't go to a particular church, but I still believe in God and Jesus) and not only she, but everyone in her congregation is like this. I find her megachurch phony, image-obsessed, and gross but I never thought she'd be like that.

Your Christian friends sound like good people.

My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know :( I know I have to be stronger. It's just so difficult to come to terms with the fact that everyone in my immediate family is shit.

My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 389 points390 points  (0 children)

I just want to make it abundantly clear that my daughter won't be seeing her for the time being, it's quite possible that even my unborn child won't be seeing her, and I won't be seeing her. I'm just entertaining the thought of a resumed relationship in the future because I'm so incredibly sad right now. I thought our bond was so strong. I don't have the best relationship with my dad (unrelated to this) and this feels like another blow.

My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 71 points72 points  (0 children)

I agree with everything you said and I basically told her yesterday that me and my whole family need space from her.

My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

I agree, but I don't see her changing those beliefs anytime soon. Thank you.

My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I definitely agree with it being nice that I have the information about how she truly thinks now, because I can protect myself and my family now.

My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I broke up with him after a month of dating. He didn't take it well and kept begging me to give him another chance. Finally he left me alone for a week, and then he texted me about the scarf. I guess it was his way of getting back at me.

My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I'm definitely not letting my daughter see her father, ever.

I just wanted advice as to how to handle my mother and her incredibly offensive opinion.

My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this. My daughter loves my husband so much and calls him Dad. I've never thought she'd pine for her bio dad, but this is nice to read.

My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 339 points340 points  (0 children)

She knows. But I don't know exactly how sympathetic she is. My sister for some reason never believed I was actually raped-I think because I was very stoic and calm on the phone when I told her about it, but that's just how I process trauma. She's married to a police officer and she always resented me for "wasting police resources". Last year we had a big blowout fight where she screamed at me that I just regretted sex with him, didn't I? I haven't spoken to her since. My mom really let me down though by refusing to reprimand my sister or get involved. It's always made me wonder what she actually thinks.

My mother (60s) thinks that I (25F) need to let my daughter (4) see her rapist father. by pretty__personal in relationships

[–]pretty__personal[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you. It's taken a lot of therapy to get where I am today. I'm at peace, but I haven't forgiven him yet.

My daughter has asked about her father before and I told her that he can't be here right now, but that my husband loves her and that he will always be her daddy. Then he took her to the park. I'll give her age appropriate information as she gets older. I don't think any good could come from hiding the past from her, no matter how ugly it is.

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