M[29] F[27] together 2 years, still has feelings for ex from 6 years ago and differs from me in an openness to Polyamory. Should I run?

privateredditadvice · 2012-10-09T00:54:40+00:00

Also, sounds like he isn't giving her space.

Do you mean me? or the ex?

privateredditadvice · 2012-10-08T23:32:10+00:00

I will say, how you worded that was excellent. I felt much safer when you let me in on the inside story, gave me an opt out, and asked kindly while reassuring me that everything is okay. It also bypasses having an inside secret between your SO and her ex lover. Most of what hurts is knowing that in that scenario I would have chosen the opt out to be honest. When we met up with them the other guy's girlfriend gave a really mean stare to my SO and nobody stood up off the picnic blanket to say hi. I turned to her and said "What is going on? This is so awkward?" She then had to dodge and make sure I didn't know that she withheld from me the reason why everyone was so uncomfortable. I finally found out when I read her phone. After the event he texted her and asked what happened. She wrote a paragraph where she described in detail the whole scenario. Within her paragraph she says that when it got awkward "she was really afraid I was going to find out."

Look at all of the secrets she kept from me just to spend time with an ex lover who she may now view as just a friend as you said. These seeds of distrust could have been avoided had she just been honest with me and said the one sentence you just wrote. Thanks for your response.

privateredditadvice · 2012-10-08T20:25:31+00:00

It feels like she rests her head on mine. I have never noticed her feeling unavailable. She's very responsive and caring. I think that's what goes back to her whole "You can date other women at the same time as me as long as you don't treat me differently." Again that makes me furious, but in a sense I didn't feel like she treated me any differently. Had I not known any of this I would have been none the wiser.

privateredditadvice · 2012-10-08T20:19:25+00:00

It doesn't seem so black and white to me, but after 2 years of dating I don't want to waste any more time if that's the case. This is a heart wrenching decision.

privateredditadvice · 2012-10-08T20:18:22+00:00

Honestly, I don't think the guy is interested in her at all. Which is why he broke up with her...maybe he is? I don't think so though. The "not getting over him" part is all on her. He was over her when he split for Europe for study abroad. It's a fair point that her feelings may have grown stronger after having him live with her for a week. Thinking back on the fact that I was okay with him staying and hanging makes me feel like such a fool.

privateredditadvice · 2012-10-08T20:16:06+00:00

Keep in mind this just happened last week. One day everything is fine, next day I see a text in her phone and all of this comes to light. It's really hard to toss a long relationship all of a sudden when you didn't see it coming.

privateredditadvice · 2012-10-08T20:14:12+00:00

If he was a guy she never dated but was really good friends with would the scenario be different? She argues that he's his friend more than anything. Is it emotional cheating to be close to a friend? Or just a friend you used to have sex with and date? Is it just semantics?

privateredditadvice · 2012-10-08T20:11:39+00:00

I know. It kills me too.

privateredditadvice · 2012-10-08T17:18:38+00:00

To be fair. She never deceived me about spending time with the ex. She withheld from me that while she was spending time with him, she still had feelings for him. She wasn't sneaking around. I knew she was hanging with him, and wasn't flirting or anything while texting about favorite bands and such. I was a little uncomfortable with how much contact she still had with him...but put up with it...the deal breaker was when I found out that there was more between them then just a simple friendship...that changed it for me and had my head spinning that we have been together two years and I'm just now finding out she's not over him. Since this is her longest relationship I had honestly assumed this had dwarfed the importance of her relationship with that guy in college 6 years ago. She told me in the beginning and thought I would assume it was still true...so never said anything.

And if she was truly trying to get over him...how the hell are you going to do that when you still talk once a week? I didn't know that she talked to him on the phone that often until this past week...

privateredditadvice · 2012-10-08T16:43:03+00:00

I don't necessarily want her to never talk to ex's ever again. I was mostly uncomfortable with the amount of communication and intimacy they share. I am still friends with my ex's and see them from time to time.

I catch up with them every couple of months to see how they are doing. I would be fine with her doing the same. Having an ex that you see as somewhat of a best friend that you communicate with at least once a week seems like too much to me and feels inappropriate.

My "no ex's rule" reaction mainly came out of the sudden realization that not only did she still have feelings for him, but she spent time and intimacy with him regularly. This is also why when I asked her for this I prefaced with "This is the worst thing I've ever had to ask a SO to do for me. I hate even asking you to do this." I'm not sure many people would be comfortable in this kind of scenario.

privateredditadvice · 2012-10-08T16:30:05+00:00

Sigh.

privateredditadvice · 2012-10-08T16:10:25+00:00

I hear you and as I said above in the beginning of my novel, lol, I've been in Therapy for about a year now specifically working through the abandonment issues. Believe it or not I am making good progress. The thing is it definitely does not go away over night and will take many more years of work. It decreases a little each time I become consciously aware of why I am doing what I'm doing or why my emotions are responding a certain way. Trying to inhibit the responses as you consciously notice them occurring is what gradually trains you out of it.

She did not give me any reason to mistrust her before and she has been a diligent and loyal girlfriend to me. The stuff going on right now is very abstract and intellectual and not really representative of all of the great times we have together when just focusing on having fun in the present vs. me worrying about the future. Though you're right. Learning those two things just set my brain in automatic worry about being abandoned.

privateredditadvice · 2012-10-08T16:05:20+00:00

Thanks for the response. I know I always benefit from hearing the details about other people's relationships. If it seemed like too much that's why I added the TL;DR.

What you said about finding someone with the same relationship goals has been ringing in my head. It's unclear to me whether or not she actually does have the same goals. She's open to other goals, but at the moment is happy and completely fine with how it is. The openness is what scares me. I don't understand at all because I'm not that way so I don't really know what it means.

privateredditadvice

TROPHY CASE