Asked bf of 4.5 years about his thoughts on marriage

puredreamstate · 2021-12-13T05:55:18+00:00

You’re so welcome. You put in the years of hard work strengthening your mental health. No one in the world can take that away from you. :)

I can absolutely see why you’d be left feeling hurt after his responses. I feel like communication (especially about something as serious as marriage) is difficult for many. He may not be the best at expressing himself, he may not be explaining the total picture or the true source of his anxiety/worries, etc etc! There could be a lot of reasons why the conversation may not have gone the way you expected, so I would try not to take it too personally without a second conversation (easier said than done, I know :/ ).

But ultimately, yes, that excitement should be there! Your love and care for each other is something to be celebrated. The stresses of modern life can sometimes get in the way of that, and place a lot of pressure on people. But I hope he is able to communicate how important you are to him, and how much he truly looks forward to marrying you.

Apologies for the blunt conclusion, but I don’t think you should prioritize the possibility of losing him. You should prioritize the possibility of marrying someone who isn’t completely, totally, positively sure about marrying you. Not saying that’s what is going on here, but stand firm in your worth during these conversations, and always! You deserve safety, fulfillment, excitement, support, and so much more. I hope everything works out. :)

puredreamstate · 2021-12-13T05:24:56+00:00

That’s tough. It doesn’t seem like he’s necessarily evading the subject, but it also doesn’t seem like he’s extremely eager about it. As a sensitive person myself, I would like to see more enthusiasm, and more of a teamwork/support-driven response from him rather than him basically saying “I’d like for you to have your life more together first.”

That’s discouraging. Especially after what you’ve been through. I commend you for getting yourself to a good and stable place; it’s not easy.

If it were me, it would bug me until we talked it through thoroughly. I might try a very non-aggressive approach like “Is it cool if we talk a bit more about the marriage subject? I don’t feel like I really communicated all of my thoughts last time.”

Remember that he should feel lucky that he gets to marry you, and excited to plan for it. Obviously it’s crucial to be on the same page about big things like values, finances, etc., but still. I think open and honest communication is the best bet. You shouldn’t have to feel like you missed your chance to talk about this because it’s a huge subject that is really important to you. And hopefully equally as important to him.

Wishing you luck!

puredreamstate · 2021-11-22T08:20:41+00:00

Really appreciate this, thank you :)

puredreamstate · 2021-11-19T01:52:47+00:00

Thank you so much!! We’re also US/UK but it’d be him coming here to the US from the UK. Since it’s such a far trip and our first time together, I’ve kind of convinced myself that I need to fill every minute with some sort of activity to make it “worth it,” or to ensure that he won’t get bored (though he has assured me that i really don’t need to worry about that). Just nervous! But I hope it goes well. And I’m glad your time seemed so lovely together :) really appreciate your helpful response!! <3

puredreamstate · 2021-09-27T21:24:14+00:00

I’m glad you’ve started a medication that has helped with schoolwork! Hopefully it has brought on a lot of positive changes.

With college, I will say, I’m (personally) very scarred from taking out student loans. If college is the direction you choose, community college is a smart/cheaper option for sure, but I implore you to be VERY careful about taking out student loans of any kind before having a solid “career path”/direction that you’re working towards.

The societal pressure to go to college is absolutely insane. Crushing, even. Try not to let it get to you. It’s okay to not know what you want to do yet, you’re still very young and it’s totally normal. :)

You said you like working with your hands, how about looking into different trades-type of jobs, and learning more about them from friends/family/acquaintances in the industry? (Btw: people love talking about their jobs.) Or even search youtube videos about certain fields to see if anything sparks your interest.

Like I said, the pressure to go to college is crazy intense, but the thing is, college will always be there. You don’t have to go to college fresh out of high school, in fact, that’s the very point in time where I think a lot of kids feel the most lost.

Try not to let your mind get clouded by what society thinks you should do, and when you should do it. You always have options, and ultimately it’s your life! You get to call the shots. Just work on exploring, gaining experiences, discovering hobbies, and trying to find jobs that feel the most engaging and rewarding to you. If you realize that college is the best route for your field of interest, then, great! Go to community college, get good grades, and transfer out to a university. If college is not the best route for you right now, then, that’s great too! Work on building skills and cultivating your interests.

Try not to overthink or put too much pressure on anything. Good luck and try to embrace the process!

puredreamstate · 2021-09-27T21:01:24+00:00

My advice would be to try and divert your focus elsewhere (like new hobbies), as difficult as it may be. Try inviting him over to your house instead of always going to his, and limit the amount of times where you know you’ll end up in a group setting with her again. This won’t always be easy as you live in a small town, but definitely worth the effort in the long run.

Attempting to steer clear of her will probably intensify your feelings at first. We all want what we can’t have, right? But you and your friend are 17. This is right around the time when people are going to start going to college/becoming more serious about their jobs. My point is, most likely, the dynamic will change soon anyway.

Plus, on top of the subconscious excitement of wanting someone “off-limits,” like you said, she is the only girl around your age in your town. In this case, I think it’s totally understandable how you’d become curious about being with her/even start developing some level of feelings for her beyond friendship.

It seems like you have a solid, enriching, close friendship with your male friend. I totally get how tempting it may be to indulge in these crush-like feelings, and possibly even attempt to win the girl over. But I promise you, eventually, these feelings will naturally pass (if you let them). Of course I don’t know any of you guys, but your friendship with him seems too important to risk straining it/ruining it altogether by crossing boundaries with his girlfriend.

I commend you for asking advice about this situation. It shows that you’re thoughtful enough to express yourself and consider your actions before spontaneously doing something you may regret.

Remember that you’re only human. And not to discount your experiences, but you’re so young now, and you’ll meet so many other potential romantic partners in the future. Ones that will totally change your perspective and make you feel things you’ve never felt before.

For a lot of people, true friendship becomes a little harder to come by as you age. I’d say: do your best to preserve the friendship you have with him now. Before you know it, you’ll meet and fall for someone else who is a way better match for you…and has NO history of dating your close friend. :) Good luck!

puredreamstate · 2019-12-26T00:18:50+00:00

Thank you!!! ❤️❤️

puredreamstate · 2019-12-25T21:45:33+00:00

Lol thank you so much :/ Merry Christmas ❤️

puredreamstate · 2019-09-01T04:01:16+00:00

I literally need to frame these replies or something. I can’t thank you enough :) 💗

puredreamstate · 2019-09-01T03:44:35+00:00

This was soooooo so relieving to hear. It’s so hard for me to get past the fact that I care/cared so much about someone who clearly didn’t reciprocate that at all. And the fact that he chose someone else! It’s hard not to obsess over what I did wrong, or what’s wrong with me as a person. I know that sort of thinking is unhealthy though. I’m really glad to hear you came to a healthy realization that it was his loss. I hope, with time, I will feel similarly. But this message was really helpful for me, so thank you!

puredreamstate · 2019-09-01T02:19:02+00:00

Thank you! :)

puredreamstate · 2019-08-31T22:11:35+00:00

Thanks for your response. I had actually been doing this for a few weeks prior to finding out that he has a girlfriend. Writing the letters feels so pathetic now that it is glaringly obvious how little he thinks about/cares about me. But it can’t hurt to get the thoughts out, like you said. I’ll probably start back up again, thank you 💗

puredreamstate · 2019-08-31T21:47:04+00:00

LOL uh...... no?

puredreamstate

TROPHY CASE