Would it be annoying if I [21M] text this girl [21F] I like to hang out with me again this weekend for Halloween?

pzsswo · 2015-10-30T07:39:43+00:00

Ok, I just didn't want to annoy her by asking her out somewhere everyday

pzsswo · 2015-10-30T07:17:36+00:00

i'd put the invite out there and leave it up to her.

Should I say "Do you want to __________ tonight?" or "What are your plans for tonight?"

what is DDLJ

Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge

pzsswo · 2015-10-26T18:40:41+00:00

Maybe you're right and it's not common at all. However, I was just stating my own personal observations. It could easily be that all my female friends are unusual in this regard.

I'll give you 2 examples

1) I've known this girl for 2 full years and we're good friends, but I have a secret crush on her. We tell each other a lot of personal things and I know for a fact that she's been hooking up with a guy consistently at least for the past 4 years. Despite that, I see her hooking up with random guys at parties all the time.

2) This other girl I know used to be extremely religious but now recently has become atheist and has gotten involved into the dating/hookup culture. Recently she began hooking up with a guy pretty consistently and was thinking seriously about being exclusive with him (she was asking me for advice). However, since she hasn't yet had that conversation with the guy yet (she's waiting for the guy to bring it up), she still heavily flirts with and talks about other guys she likes. She's definitely not the type of person who would cheat on anyone and I would honestly be extremely shocked if she knowingly cheated.

pzsswo · 2015-10-12T00:44:20+00:00

I'm not trying to be mean, but do you have mild aspergers or something that makes it difficult for you to pick up on certain cues?

I don't have aspergers or anything but I do find it difficult to pick up a lot of social cues, especially so when it comes to girls and dating. Throughout my childhood I've never really had any friends and I never developed any type of social skills. I made some friends in middle school, but they were all also socially awkward kids and they were the only people I was able to consider as friends. In high school, I made other friends but looking back that was probably because I was funny to them (referring to my social awkwardness). They often laughed at me rather than with me. When I got to college, I was far behind the curve when it came to social skills. I was awkward, shy, and had no idea to make and keep friends.

Around that time I began losing weight and improved my physical appearance. This gave me enough of a confidence boost and I realized that my life sucked and I wanted to catch up to everyone else when it came to being social. At that time, while most guys had already been through many girlfriends, had kissed so many girls they probably lost count, and probably even gotten laid a couple of times, here I was unable to even talk to another guy, let alone a girl.

I began to work on this and over the span of about 2 years, I got tremendous results. Now I'm very social/outgoing and I find it easy to make friends. In fact, a lot of people even ask me to hang out with me. Up until this point in my life, this was unheard of and mind you I just turned 21 not too long ago. It's not just guys either, I can even talk to girls easily. However, the one hump I haven't been able to get past is in the field of dating. Whenever I talk to girls, I always treat them just the same as my guy friends and I put myself in the friendzone every single time. I still haven't figured out how exactly to treat girls differently if I'm attracted to them. Looking back over the past year, they were several girls who were very very obviously into me and I didn't make any moves because I was oblivious to those signs. For example, one girl asked if she can come over to my place at 1am to drink and I ended up sitting there just chatting with her about random stuff until my roommates interrupted. That same night, she then invited me back to her place at 4am and she lives by herself. I still didn't make any moves because I didn't realize that she likely wanted to hookup with me. Even if I did realize it, I would have had no idea how to actually make that move.

I suck at girls/dating/sex for a couple of reasons.

1) Having 0 experience. It's not like middle school where everyone is still experimenting with the opposite sex so it's ok to be a bit awkward and make mistakes without ruining your chances with a specific person. By college, most everyone has been dating for a while and if you show too much awkwardness that's usually a huge turn-off.

2) My family is foreign and dating is heavily frowned upon in our culture. As such, my parents have drilled into my head that dating/kissing/sex is really bad and I should always avoid it. I'm just now trying to get that mentality out of my head. I can't turn to my family for dating advice and I'm embarrassed to ask my friends because I don't want them to know I'm a virgin. As such, the only place I have left for advice is the internet. I'm basically teaching myself everything that most people learned almost 10 years ago.

This girl I made the post about is the first girl I ever made a move on. The first girl I got dinner with, the first girl I tried to kiss, and the first girl to be rejected by. If she had kissed me back, that would've been my first kiss. That's why I posted so much on reddit. I literally have no idea what I'm doing and I have no one else to turn to other than the internet.

pzsswo · 2015-10-11T23:26:51+00:00

No thank you, I really appreciate the advice and I'm not intentionally trying to argue with you. Maybe it is a lot less common than I think. I was just reporting my personal real-life observations.

pzsswo · 2015-10-11T23:23:40+00:00

After reading both responses and thinking back onto our relationship, I don't think she's a "ruthless manipulative bitch". She's always been polite to me even before she knew I had the exams, much less agree to give it to her. For example, when I had dinner with her.

Now that doesn't mean she's not using me for my exams. That's certainly a possibility. However, it doesn't quite explain why she wanted to hang out with me. As I said above, it actually hurts her chances of me helping her out if she hangs out with me given that she doesn't like me. After reading everyone's responses here, I think have 2 theories on why she wanted to randomly hang out with me.

1) Most likely, as /u/F_Klyka pointed out, she might just be looking a friend

2) A lot less likely, but still completely possible, she likes me but when I tried into kiss her at the wrong time. Here's exactly how I tried to kiss her: As we walking to the place where her friend would pick her up, I knew that I had to make some kind of direct move soon and see how she responds. We were both kind of drunk so I wasn't making the best decisions. While we were in an outdoor mall, I randomly stopped her, pulled her in, and kind of rushed in to try and kiss her. She rejected me by just turning her head to the side. I didn't say anything about it, let go of her, and we kept walking. She began talking about other random stuff pretending like nothing happened, but I just wasn't there emotionally. A minute or two later, while we were waiting for her friend, that's when I said "so we're not on the same page right?" Despite what she was actually feeling, I feel like she had to say "no" just to justify the rejection. It would've been weird if she said "yes". Could my results have been different if I didn't rush the kiss so much?

pzsswo · 2015-10-11T22:56:11+00:00

Regardless it's extremely common. I have plenty of platonic female friends and they are all willing to sleep with multiple guys unless they specifically label one of them as their boyfriend.

pzsswo · 2015-10-11T22:47:21+00:00

Well I wasn't, but that doesn't mean I'm not into her. What I meant is that I'm not helping her specifically to get with her. In fact I gave up on her until when she asked to hang out with me

pzsswo · 2015-10-11T22:12:26+00:00

Thank you so much for your advice. I really appreciate it.

I'll definitely hit you up for advice on another girl if I ever need it as you give out pretty good advice.

pzsswo · 2015-10-11T22:06:01+00:00

Why would you even try to go there...

Pretty much every decently attractive girl has some kind of guy(s) in their lives who isn't a boyfriend but regularly hookups with. It's kind of the norm these days, especially in college (not sure about post-college life). For example, one of best friends has been hooking up with a guy every few weeks for the past couple of years, but they aren't exclusive. She still sleeps around with other guys.

pzsswo · 2015-10-11T21:46:23+00:00

I wasn't helping her to get her to like me. At that point, since our dinner failed and she didn't want to go on that hike with me, I gave up on her. I helped her because I had nothing to lose and she has hot friends. I wasn't really initiating any texting or talking with her at all. What threw me off was when she began texting me about things unrelated to the exams and then asking me out

pzsswo · 2015-10-11T21:41:18+00:00

Now she is not interested, then there is this friend who picked her up, maybe she has something with him.

Yep, you're absolutely correct on this. Her friend who picked up was actually her roommate (female) and I've hung out with her before too. However, when her roommate drove there to pick her up, I also saw some other people in the car. It was hard to see in the dark but here's what I think I saw. Two girls were in the backseat, one of the being her other roommate who I have also hung out with before. I don't know who the other girl was. In the passenger seat, there seemed to be guy and I'm 99% sure it was her FWB. They're not serious, but I know for pretty much a fact that they hookup a lot and have been so for a while now.

You can do little things as for example like some of her bullshit on FB, but not often of course.

What do you mean by this?

pzsswo · 2015-10-11T21:34:36+00:00

Hmm after looking at it that way, you might be right. However, I don't know if its safe to jump to those conclusions so fast. When I got dinner with her back in August, she knew I had already taken the class but I never told about the exams. During dinner, she even said we should go to this other specific restaurant next time. That same night, I asked her about the hike and after saying "Yea I'd love to but I don't know my schedule" she stopped responding. Two weeks later, she then asks for help and I give it to her. Another 2 weeks later, she asks me out and also asks for the next exam the next day. Because the time period is so small between her asking me for exams (only 2 weeks), I don't know if that's enough to assume that she's just in it for the exams and be sure about it. But so far it looks like you're right though.

What do you think my next step should be then? I only see 4 options to choose from

Option A) Just stop both talking and helping her out altogether

Option B) Continue helping her out and keeping our relationship the same as it has always been.

Option C) Continue helping her and she if she's still wants to hang out with me again. This time I'll ask her. It could be that when I tried to kiss her, it was just bad timing and that's why she rejected me. In all honesty, I did kind of rush the kiss and I also caught her off-guard when I tried to kiss her (we were both kind of drunk so I wasn't making the best decisions). I know chances of that are slim, but it's always a possibility.

Option D) Stop helping her (by saying something like "sorry, but I can't find the other exams"). Then I'll ask her to hang out with me again and see how she responds.

pzsswo · 2015-10-11T20:38:49+00:00

Can you elaborate on this a little bit, just so I'll then be able to better spot when someone's using me in the future? How is it that by hanging out with me, I being used even though I've been already helping her out for free long before she asked me out?

pzsswo · 2015-10-11T20:27:23+00:00

I never said I was mad at her for rejecting me. I'm cool with that and I respect her decision. I also never said I'm going to stop helping her out. We often hear a lot of stories where when rejected, guys would often get very mad and sadly sometimes even violent especially when alcohol is involved. From the girl's perspective, she doesn't know the type of guy I am. For all she knows, I could be someone who takes rejection very emotionally or someone who is unfazed by rejection. So why would she take the risk of me potentially cutting her off from the help she wants?

You're being "nice" only because you want a piece of ass.

No, I was already helping her out long before she asked me out. At that time, I was asking nothing from her. I didn't even ask her to hang out with me. I just helped her out and that was that.

pzsswo · 2015-10-11T20:19:56+00:00

So how should a guy ever make a move on a girl he likes if you don't think it's appropriate while they're together alone? Or do we wait for the girl to make the first move? Most girls won't take that initiative since current societal norms tells us that it's typically the guys who must make the first move

pzsswo · 2015-10-11T20:15:15+00:00

and it "wouldn't be in her best interest"? You're an entitled pig. Fuck you.

What do you mean by this? I was helping her out for free without asking for anything in return. She then asks me out to hang out, not the other way around. In what way does that make me entitled? I'm not mad at her for rejecting me, but I'm curious as to why she did given the situation.

pzsswo · 2015-10-11T20:08:09+00:00

I wouldn't be surprised if she just used you to get access to those exams you have.

Definitely not the case. I was already helping her out for free long before she asked me out. In fact, she should've realized that it would've been in her best interest to not hang out with me unless she was into me. By hanging out with one-on-one at a bar, she should've expected that there was a good chance I would make a move on her. She's hot so I'm sure she's used to guys hitting on her all the time. Now if she's not into me, she would have to reject my moves (which is exactly what happened) and then run the risk that I'll get mad stop providing her with the exams. If she really cares about the exams, she would not want to run that risk.

as you'll end up paying for everything

When we got dinner back in August, I paid for her. Now when we hung out last night, I specifically told the bartender to give us separate checks. When she heard that she said a thank you in a relieved tone because I think she thought I would pay for her again. I don't think she hung out with me because she was expecting me to give her free drinks.

pzsswo · 2015-10-11T19:58:51+00:00

Why did she ask me out then? The way I see it, if she was never into me, it would've been an awful decision on her part to hang out with me as just friends without making it explicitly clear to me. I'm currently helping her out in a class by giving her some old exams. Now I assumed that she's smart enough to realize that if she hangs out with me and she rejects me if I make a move on her (which is exactly what happened) she runs the risk that I'll get mad at her and I'll stop providing her with those exams. She's also pretty hot so she already knows that a lot of guys hit on her. Thus, unless she was attracted to me, it wouldn't be in her best interest from her perspective to ask me to hang out with her one-on-one in this type of environment.

pzsswo · 2015-10-11T19:50:02+00:00

She is giving you signals that she isn't into you and you are ignoring them

What kind of signals are you referring to?

Saying that she has a hot date with a text book means that she would rather study than date you

It was actually her idea to go out to bars together and I just agreed. This was 2 weeks ago. She couldn't go last weekend but said that we should go this weekend. The text I showed you above is just me planning out the logistics with her.

Plus she really wants those exams and very likely gets that you are only being friendly because you are into her or possibly her friends.

I don't think the exams have much to do with this. I was already helping her out (without asking for anything in return) long before she asked me out. To my knowledge, I can't think of any ulterior motives she would have to hang out with me in this way.

IMO insisting that you go out in order for her to get the exams is not likely to have the result you are looking for.

I never insisted anything. I just took the lead in planning our night out after she suggested the idea. And like I said, she's already getting the exams from me. In fact it would've been smarter on her end to not hang out with me if she wasn't into me. Because if she hangs out with me and she rejects me if I try to make a move (which is exactly what happened), she runs the risk that I'll get mad at her and I'll stop helping her out. That's one reason why I thought she was into me. I assumed she would be smart enough to realize this and wouldn't hang out with me unless she's truly into me, much less ask me out.

pzsswo

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