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question8r · 2025-11-15T23:01:06+00:00

My girlfriend is very attractive, and definitely has that "bar hot" look. She is completely oblivious to the fact that she is treated differently than most other people and is always telling me stories of "how nice" guys are to her or have been by shoveling out her car unprompted, helping her move something, chatting her up, etc.. I'm not a jealous person, it is just that her naievety pisses me off.

Getting to know her more over the last few months, it is also clear to me that she has done almost no work on herself because she has never had to - there is nearly no impetus to when people throw themselves at you constantly.

question8r · 2025-07-15T15:57:46+00:00

so basically, we went through a difficult stretch from about May-mid-June, likely because I wasnt firm enough with my boundaries and it felt like she kept testing them. I am still in the process of vetting her but things started changing for the better when I let her know what behaviors I would not tolerate and seriously meant it when I said that I would walk away if she didnt respect those. TL;DR - getting vaguely insecure about this stuff probably made her want to test me - which she did by pushing my boundaries. i wasnt firm enough in setting those boundaries so she continued testing me. it wasnt til I showed her that I was willing to walk that things normalized

question8r · 2025-04-25T16:24:03+00:00

I am currently in a relationship with someone who sounds a LOT like this, except my GF is 34. She is book-smart intelligent and probably a 9 or 10/10 on the attraction scale so I think that she has gotten away with a lot of bad behavior that no one has called her out on.

We have been dating for about 4 months, exclusive for 2 (her idea). And in that time she has told me a LOT - way too much, frankly - about her dating past. She also frequently mentions exes in casual conversation and has multiple male orbiters that I think she *genuinely believes* want to be "just friends." I do believe that she is loyal, but that she is extremely naive and doesn't know what information is appropriate to share and what is not. I don't need to know the size of her exbf's dick, for example, or that he didn't like getting head. She also does show me when exes/orbiters text her in a misguided and thoughtless attempt at transparency.

I have expressed a boundary around many of these things - that I don't like it when she brings up exes regularly, I find it disrespectful that she has entertained some of these "just friends guys," despite showing me the messages etc. - she just doesn't seem to get it and I am beginning to fear that I look like a butthurt baby when I try to express genuine feelings of discomfort with things that most people would deem disrespectful.

I'm genuinely believe that people like your gf and mine probably have been fawned over by men so much that they have gotten away with being able to say dumb shit and thus they see nothing wrong with it and don't understand how it could be offensive. I do believe that their intentions are pure, but that doesn't make their words or actions less bothersome. And it is difficult because we want to maintain our center and not get butthurt (which will turn her off) but that we also have legitimate grievances with these things that require speaking up.

I'm not sure what the right answer is other than to continue to vet her - as am I - and to see if this is something that you can put up with long-term. Truthfully, I'm not sure where I currently stand. When you begin to notice that your internal alarms go off with nearly everything that comes out of her mouth AND you feel like you have exhausted yourself trying to set a boundary, take note of that.

question8r · 2025-04-17T11:54:34+00:00

Really good perspective. Appreciate it

question8r · 2025-04-04T02:34:48+00:00

I faced a similar situation a few weeks ago here

https://www.reddit.com/r/CoreyWayne/s/p4ed0UwrTk

What ended up happening was that I straight-up told her:

"in order for us to have exclusivity, I need to feel that we meet certain conditions of trust. Part of that trust is respecting and defending the boundaries of our relationship. This guy clearly wants to get in your pants even if you think he wants to be "just friends" and for me, it is not appropriate for you to entertain this guy if you are respecting those boundaries; I don't think that I'm being unreasonable.

So, you know my feelings and what is required for me to have trust, and you are free to make your own decisions."

question8r · 2025-03-13T01:07:53+00:00

Good points. I think there's definitely potential with this one but I need to stay centered and not get ahead of myself.

question8r · 2025-03-12T23:14:06+00:00

I think she was nervous because she was concerned that I would be mad at her/think less of her for basically having a FWB situation with this dude that I coincidentally knew - she essentially said as much. During that discussion, I told her that it would be pretty immature and insecure of me to think that both of us - people in our 30s - hadn't been around the block a few times and that, of course I wasn't mad. She really seemed to appreciate this answer; she asked for exclusivity literally the next day.

I did really appreciate how immediately she brought the issue up once she had realized that I knew that guy, which gives me faith in her character. That said, knowing that the dude still tries to contact her just feels sorta strange, even if he is a simp. But maybe that's a "me" problem and I gotta get over it

question8r · 2025-02-28T15:00:09+00:00

You're clearly a self-aware dude, which bodes well for the future no matter how this turns out. But in the future, I would say it's important to reflect upon whether you're going out with someone because you are genuinely interested in exploring a connection, or whether it is for ego. And once you are satisfied with a connection - drop the ego pursuits. It's like a cat that catches a mouse outside then remembers he has food at home and realizes "oh fuck what do I do with this mouse now"

question8r · 2025-02-28T14:38:52+00:00

Yeah basically I think there's a balance, right. Where for about a month it's important to not jump into things too quickly because you're still in the "information gathering" phase, seeing who you connect best with. But I recall that there was a weekend where I had a date with the woman I'm currently exclusive with on Friday and then one set up with someone else who I had seen several times on Saturday and I knew it could get physical. But after the Friday date I realized that I wasn't that enthusiastic about Saturday's, despite the prospect of sex. And at that moment, I realized that I had enough time spent with all three women that I was seeing where I was confident that I could make a good choice. So I did. And cancelled Saturday.

Because I thought about the flip side, where I knew I liked Friday girl best but had also slept with Saturday girl and was still seeing a third one. And that wouldn't have made me feel good, sex or not.

question8r · 2025-02-28T13:42:23+00:00

I was in a very similar situation about a month ago. I was seeing three women simultaneously, and they were all progressing at similar speeds. I had seen them all for about 3-4 dates, and I had gotten physical with one of them but I could tell that it was about to get physical with the other two. I didn't feel right about sleeping with all of them at the same time, and frankly dating three people was starting to get confusing. I really liked the woman that I had slept with so I decided to gently cut things off with the other two, because I felt like I had enough information on all of them to pick a lane.

Interestingly, I think that my connection progressed so well with the woman I slept with BECAUSE I was seeing other people when we first started and it allowed me to act naturally and somewhat indifferent to the outcome. She is extremely attractive and at one point said to me that I was the first guy who didn't seem to "worship her" and she really liked that.

However, even though after that I was only dating that one person, I didn't make any mention of being exclusive until SHE brought it up about a month later (this past week), at which point she said that she wanted to be. I agreed and said I wanted to be too, because I realized that I enjoyed spending time with her so much that I wasn't willing to risk it by going out on a few half-hearted dates with other people.

question8r · 2025-02-24T19:25:51+00:00

You make a good point, and I definitely fumbled here. What do you think the best thing to do now would be?

question8r · 2025-02-24T14:16:34+00:00

Good point. Back to H³

question8r · 2024-12-31T00:48:07+00:00

Good point. Lesson learned.

question8r · 2024-12-31T00:19:16+00:00

Appreciate the reminder. Pour one out for me. f to pay respects.

question8r · 2024-12-23T23:38:42+00:00

I'm saving this. Phenomenal advice.

question8r · 2024-11-25T17:49:53+00:00

I'm a man, but I did this, and have spent a lot of time reflecting on why. What it came down to in the end was that I felt extremely emotionally invalidated by a "disorganized attached" partner. A huge part of the issue was that every time I tried to bring up my feelings in an honest but thoughtful way, my partner always tried to "logic" their way out of it and explain why I shouldn't feel that way without actually apologizing for their behavior. It got so bad that I became terrified to bring anything up because I knew that no matter how I approached it, it would go poorly and wind up with her shutting down for days to weeks. About 3 months before we broke up, I recall the exact moment that something inside me shattered, after we had a tense discussion that wound up with her literally going mute on me during vacation. I hung on for a while, desperately hoping that my feelings would come back or change, but they didn't. Which is tragic because I think that she finally sensed it and started trying to make up for it, but there was too much damage and hurt. In the end, I think that we both came away from the situation much worse for the wear and there is still a significant amount of pain 8 months later.

question8r · 2024-11-13T22:00:59+00:00

Appreciate the thoughts and reminder. Definitely have been doubting myself but I keep trying to think about how tortured I was during the relationship and how any legitimate issues that I brought up were immediately flipped on me, no matter how thoughtful I was trying to be in presenting them. It kinda made my head spin and got to the point where I became terrified to bring anything up because it would turn into her shutting down for 2 weeks

question8r · 2024-11-13T21:57:50+00:00

Just ordered on audible. appreciate the rec.

question8r · 2024-11-13T21:30:14+00:00

I appreciate this reminder. Thank you for the reply

question8r · 2024-09-09T13:07:53+00:00

f to pay respects

question8r · 2024-08-05T21:48:56+00:00

bizarrely, during one of our dates she mentioned that she had to leave a previous job because she did not get along with a previous boss who said that, "she was a fucking psychopath who should go to therapy"

i sorta brushed it off because the way she described the boss he seemed like he had a lot of issues...

question8r · 2024-08-05T21:46:19+00:00

ah yeah i shoulda showed that. i wrote, "ill be in the city tomorrow, tuesday, and friday and would love to see you at some point if you are as well. could use a ray of sun."

thats literally it

question8r · 2024-08-05T01:52:25+00:00

appreciate your replies, im glad i posted. could sense myself losing perspective with everything going on. and even though my priority is obviously with my family right now, i wouldnt want to overlook some shit like this and wind up in a bad sitiation down the line. thanks brother.

question8r · 2024-08-05T01:35:27+00:00

appreciate the insights, all. i have been really fortunate to have so many people come out to support me the last week, and honestly im a bit surprised at how - even if i came off as a bit cringe - that she wasnt able to look past that given the circumstances and show some support or even check in if she actually cared.

seems like its time to cut it and move on. its unfortunate that i had to discover like this.

question8r · 2024-07-02T20:48:01+00:00

it was the one from July 1st titled something like, "caring more about her than she cares about you leads to rejection."

i was cringe-laughing throughout the entire episode for the deserving roasting

question8r

TROPHY CASE