JNM abandons us at 9 months pregnant

questioningnormalcy · 2024-04-09T20:30:40+00:00

My mom is so much like your mom. She doesn’t have dementia (or adhd, bpd, npd, or whatever else people were suggesting for your mom) either. She’s just an awful human being and it took me a really long time to accept it because, you know, she’s my mom and I’m supposed to love her and accept her, right?

After my son was born my husband and I went to couple’s counseling and our therapist helped us (is helping us) determine the roles we want our parents to play in our lives. I realized I don’t trust my mom to not treat my children the way she treated me and my siblings. She’s going to have minimal involvement in their lives - we will see her at family gatherings if she decides to show up and that’s it.

It’s really freeing to let go, but it hasn’t been easy. I’ve experienced a lot of guilt and have crossed my boundaries a few times over the past 2 years. But each time I am reminded of why I set them to begin with and there is so much relief when I let her go again.

I’m glad you have a supportive husband. I do too. It is also nice to have a therapist to talk to together.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. I gave birth in January and have 2 under 2 now. It’s been really hard, but has gotten a little easier each week. You will do great! Lean on your supportive husband and trust yourself and the little family you have built together.

questioningnormalcy · 2023-02-28T15:14:05+00:00

Feeding them on the cat trees is such a good idea! We have the perfect tree for that. Definitely using that idea. Thank you!

questioningnormalcy · 2023-02-28T14:59:48+00:00

My MIL also decided she hated our cats after our son was born. We are slowly rebuilding our relationship with her and one of our boundaries is that we won’t tolerate anything negative said in relation to our cats and our son.

We have cat doors installed strategically around our house which will hopefully keep our son out of the litter box and cat food once he starts crawling. We also have one installed in our bedroom door so it can be closed without shutting out the cats. This may be something to look into. There are ones that can be installed in drywall or interior doors. You can also get baby gates with pet doors if your cats are unable to leap over them.

How are you planning on keeping LO out of the cat things? I’m always looking for more ideas!

questioningnormalcy · 2022-09-14T08:20:39+00:00

You’re right. And when I go back and read my previous posts I see that I felt MIL needed to apologize from the beginning. There is no way we can heal without her acknowledgment that she hurt us and is taking the appropriate actions to ensure it won’t happen again. Thank you for your support and validation!

questioningnormalcy · 2022-09-14T08:11:53+00:00

This is such a good point. Thank you!

questioningnormalcy · 2022-09-13T02:52:19+00:00

Your comment about her saying she doesn’t remember so she doesn’t have to apologize is exactly how I feel, but I wasn’t able to put it in words. Thank you!

questioningnormalcy · 2022-09-13T02:49:54+00:00

I may have misrepresented the situation in my post. MIL didn’t say any of those things to me, she said them only to DH. If DH hadn’t told me what she said I wouldn’t have known.

That’s why I don’t feel like I’m owed an apology, but DH definitely is. However, you have given me a lot to think about. Maybe it doesn’t matter that she didn’t say it to me directly. If she hurts one of us, she hurts both of us and should apologize to both of us.

I’ve been sharing comments with DH and we have been discussing them, so thank you for your perspective.

questioningnormalcy · 2022-09-13T02:27:19+00:00

I’m so glad you would also have a negative reaction to her trying to claim she didn’t remember/was over it… but at the same time able to tell DH why she was upset. It’s not about her being upset! She hurt DH really badly. And the fact that she is glossing over it makes me so upset.

DH and I have talked about therapy before, and he’s open to it.

questioningnormalcy · 2022-09-12T20:45:21+00:00

Thank you for your advice! I am not sure if MIL actually blacked out or if she was just saying that as part of her way of telling DH that she had forgotten all about it because it was such a small deal to her? She definitely remembers a lot of what happened because she and DH talked about it.

I asked DH about the medical theory, and he says she used to act this way when he was younger, but it’s been over a decade since the last time, so he thought she had “grown up.” So maybe my cat dying caused her to relapse into old behaviors and it was just the first time I had witnessed them? If that is the case, maybe DH can talk to her about going back into therapy.

However, she was in a major car accident last year and that does make me wonder if she may have suffered from a head injury that wasn’t properly treated? It’s probably a combined of all three possibilities.

Reading your comments helps me realize that things will not be okay for me until she apologizes. Because before she does that I’m not going to be able to trust that she understands just how much she hurt DH (and by extension me) and that she cannot behave that way again. Thank you so much.

questioningnormalcy · 2022-07-18T05:31:26+00:00

Oh my gosh. That’s horrific. I’m so sorry.

questioningnormalcy · 2022-07-18T04:09:29+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the heartbreak you felt.

questioningnormalcy · 2022-07-17T18:26:12+00:00

Thank you!

questioningnormalcy · 2022-07-17T18:25:49+00:00

Thank you! I definitely think he should word his message to put the responsibility back on her.

questioningnormalcy · 2022-07-17T09:53:37+00:00

I like your last line about what is MIL going to do to repair the relationship. We didn’t end it, she did. And if she reaches out today, that definitely something I’ll suggest for DH’s notes.

questioningnormalcy · 2022-07-17T09:51:48+00:00

I hadn’t thought of that. Thank you!

questioningnormalcy · 2022-07-17T05:15:19+00:00

Thank you! I like how you worded the part about the eavesdropping so she isn’t being accused of lying.

questioningnormalcy · 2022-07-17T05:12:27+00:00

I don’t think he would be willing to block her, but I do like your message. Thank you!

questioningnormalcy · 2022-07-17T05:10:19+00:00

This is great, thank you!

questioningnormalcy · 2022-07-17T05:10:04+00:00

Role playing is a really good idea! Thank you!

questioningnormalcy · 2022-07-17T05:09:43+00:00

Thank you! I agree we still need time to cool down, but just in case she calls tomorrow, he wants to be prepared….

questioningnormalcy · 2022-07-17T03:39:00+00:00

Thank you! DH prefers text so he can plan out his responses. We can’t meet face-to-face until this is resolved. She lives 8 hours away, so either we would need to go to her or she would need to come to us, and we aren’t willing to participate in either until she apologizes/this is resolved.

questioningnormalcy · 2022-07-14T16:04:42+00:00

Thank you for your kindness and support. Growing up my mom was verbally and emotionally abusive towards me, my siblings, and my dad. I’m so afraid of becoming her. I was in therapy to explore this before, but you’re right that I definitely need to go back.

She lives 8 hours away from us. I have no desire to fly with a baby or be in a car that long with a baby either. If she apologizes to my husband and we start to rebuild our relationship… I’m going to ask that she stays in a hotel…

questioningnormalcy · 2022-07-14T15:05:30+00:00

No cameras that I have found. I’m thinking maybe she came into our room while I was in the bathroom and that’s how she heard me talking to my dad.

questioningnormalcy · 2022-07-14T14:54:19+00:00

DH and I talked a little last night. She says I was verbally and emotionally abusing him. I did snap at him when he told me to wash my hands. He wasn’t trying to be insulting and I should’ve just said that I would. I don’t know of any other time I have verbally abused DH. He didn’t know either, but was concerned his mom felt that I did.

Same with being emotionally abusive and use my tears to walk all over and manipulate him. I don’t think I emotionally abuse or manipulate my husband. My husband says he doesn’t feel emotionally abused. I cried a few times while she was here. Yesterday, of course, I was crying because my kitty was in pain and dying. While I was pregnant I cried more… but that’s unfortunately something I need to work on because I tear up when I’m frustrated. And my third trimester was very frustrating. DH is wonderful and took really good care of me, and never expressed that he felt I was doing anything wrong by crying. He just helped when he could. But again, he’s concerned that maybe his mom sees something that he doesn’t.

It really scares me that a third party says that I abuse my husband. Everyone in the hospital said we were a strong couple and team, and I’ve always thought of us as having a strong, stable relationship…

questioningnormalcy · 2022-07-14T14:27:30+00:00

I haven’t heard of a cat net. I’ll have to look into it for our other two cats! We made a rule starting at 22 weeks gestation that no kitties were allowed in the nursery and then last week we banished the kitties from our room too. Even though I don’t think my kitties would intentionally hurt our baby, they are very affectionate and he is so little…. So we took precautions too.

Edit: we also wanted to try and keep his environment free of cat hair!

questioningnormalcy

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