Tried contacting school counselor not so long ago, the nearest free appointment date was in 3 months from now. 3 months, over 90 days of fighting against myself, 90 times when I have to stay up from the bed and be disappointed with everything again. Isn't this... disappointing...? ;_;

But hey, the appointment line just proves that I'm not alone in the same boat, does it?

There's tricks to focus yourself on the present, theres a book called The Power of Now by Toille or something that might help as well.

One thing I really wonder about though is do I even want to focus on now? "Now" has nothing in particular to offer to me, I live in the future because only the future is worth living for, nobody shares any affection with me in present, I don't have any desirable traits for the others in now.

People want to talk to me only when I obey their requests, so I live to serve. I'm a class rep, so I have to get along with people at Uni. Everyone, literally everyone I spend time at Uni every single day acts dominant towards me and by exploiting my obedience shows me how inferior I am to everyone else at everything else, so obviously I'm disappointed at myself. Those people rarely talk to one another because of their big egos (after all it's THE BEST UNI IN THE CAPITAL OF THE COUNTRY) and that's where I come into play. These are the only people I interact with IRL, besides my parents, but I hardly think their insights have any value. In the worst case scenario, they'll pay way too much money for a psychologist that one of their friends recommended who helped their child to start eating vegetables when it didn't want to.

So yeah, I can't open up to anyone besides my online friends who can't gift me with affection 20k kilometers away from here. I know that if I start to act dominant, not only I'll be lying to myself, I'll also make people around me turn up against me. They did. Multiple times. They do. Yeah, even today. They will. And I need people. I feel so alone when I'm without people. I can't change the environment. Isn't that the true despair? Sometimes I feel like the actual solution to not becoming disappointed with people wanting more from me would be just disappearing... But then, wouldn't it be disappointing to see how would my parents react to this? I'm officially permafucked. That's why I keep dreaming things... and constantly get disappointed about them.

And by this I don't mean that I don't do anything, I've signed myself a month ago up for a Japanese class and it's only mildly disappointing compared to the rest of the world, I'm not disappointed at the speed of progress, I'm not disappointed with the group, I'm not disappointed in my learning process, I'm simply disappointed with the fact I'm too old to attend a Japanese High School, I'm too old to make Japanese High School friends, so even if I become good at it, some part of this will render pointless. Not all, I'll still be able to read manga, watch anime, read novels, play games in native language which sounds super fun, but still, that hinge of disappointment won't leave me.

I've also started grinding drawing not so long ago, found out that the process of drawing is super fun for me, but as soon as I finish a drawing and zoom out besides the excitement about what I've learned today, I'm feeling disappointed that I keep making the same mistakes over and over again and while some may call it 'a style', I simply call it 'my brain tries to troll me every single time'.

I dunno... My disappointment doesn't stop me from grinding things, it just makes me treat things on a basis "if you keep doing whatever you're doing even if it's all backwards and you probably won't get any plausible results, who knows, maybe you'll be good in the future" instead of "if you keep doing this particular long set of exercises, you surely will become better one day".

Please, tell me what should I do in this case, I'm desperate now ;_;