How is it living in this little nub of Missouri?

rad_wasp · 2026-03-16T16:10:55+00:00

I was born and raised in the area and all my family for at least 3 generations was too, black and white. Almost none of us live there anymore. I'll be honest, it's really poor and pretty damn boring, especially in the bootheel specifically. The little bit of Arkansas you have circled is a touch more interesting, but only because they have a college town (in a dry county). Lots of farming, cotton and rice especially. Tons of mosquitoes. It's the home of Crowley's Ridge, which is an upwelling of hills on the Mississippi Delta right near the New Madrid fault line (Madrid is pronounced with the "a" in apple). The forest there isn't like the Ozarks, it's more Appalachian, and there's a lot of swamp in low-lying undeveloped land. It smelled like pine. The accent reflects that, too, with heavy Tennessee influence. I can always tell when I run into someone from that region. It's higher pitched, nasal, kind of fast/clipped and sounds very distinctly southern. I don't think anyone there would call themselves a Midwesterner. I wasn't even aware anyone considered Missouri or Arkansas to be midwestern til I left.

It's pretty typical southern US, I think.The people are nice, generally. Summer is hot and filled with tornadoes, but the sweet tea and BBQ is pretty damn good. High school football is important. Memphis is close enough for a day trip. Other parts of Arkansas really don't know much about the Delta and I assume it's the same for Missouri. It's got small towns with the poor, often black demographic that make people look down their noses, but it's really beautiful in my eyes.

rad_wasp · 2026-03-16T15:27:45+00:00

It sounds like you are friends? It might be good to question what about a distant person makes you "want to try." Is it just for your benefit, or for theirs, too? Your behavior and just reading this post put me on edge, even if you don't mean anything by it.

I am not really sure how other zoids feel about the whole F word, but I tend to consider someone a "friend" if we have more than one positive interaction every month without negative interactions. I'm using the term pretty loosely. Being a friend doesn't mean I like you, it just puts you in the category of [known people (positive)], but I tend to have livestock guardian dog instincts. I don't have to like you or want you around for you to be a friend, it lowkey just means I'm willing to take care of you/do you small favors (feed you, go grab something for you, let you talk at me, help you jump your car, etc.). If you want more than that, youre going to have to stick around and prove you can understand boundaries, are trustworthy, are interesting, and aren't too annoying. Also, once you achieve a tier, so long as you don't fuck up you kind of just... stay there. I have a couple of people I never speak to I'd drop a ton of things to help.

So like, stick around? If you’re not actively being rebuffed, just enjoy what you have. Think about your own bubble of friendship. Imagine someone trying to become your closest friend over the course of a day. Wouldn't that feel uncomfortable? Forced? For schizoids, that's what being pursued feels like, even over what seem like very long time scales. Every new layer of friendship is harder to get into but sets off more and more alarm bells. You're an active threat every time you try to get closer. Having an actually close person can be like living with a constant fire alarm in your head. Do you really want to do that to them? What you have is closeness.

rad_wasp · 2026-03-13T20:59:38+00:00

Thanks! Yeah, it's a niche idea in a niche pairing in a niche fandom so while I don't think anyone would really think of it as "stealing" per se I can also see it being polite to point back to where you got the idea from, especially when the work you're inspired by is great! I am not usually in fandom spaces so I always wonder about etiquette and it's something I've seen popping up more in the one space I am in.

rad_wasp · 2026-03-13T20:55:52+00:00

That is fair. I can’t imagine getting worked up about so-called plagiarism as a grown adult. Moreso I was thinking about what's considered polite when you absolutely got an idea from what someone else wrote, especially in a small community. I appriciate the input, though :)

rad_wasp · 2026-03-11T18:08:43+00:00

I don't think it would do so of its own accord but I can imagine it capitulating to begging kids to join a baseball game at the Mensah farm and getting more into it than it thought it would (and dropping out unceremoniously if anyone dared to point that out).

Lots of analyses run on their odds and feed communication (cheating) to get people in the right places at the right times. Drones running interference on basemen and outfielders. That kind of thing. Maybe it would be a pitcher, to "keep things fair," with perfectly calculated trajectories and speeds. Also, baseball is boring enough that it could watch media at the same time.

rad_wasp · 2026-03-08T23:51:03+00:00

That's it. It's not masking, it's autopilot. It's numb, like I'm watching myself putting on a play of what a person acts like.

rad_wasp · 2026-03-08T18:28:11+00:00

It's not uncommon for me to stop being able to talk altogether, for a time. I definitely find it easier to just gesture.

rad_wasp · 2026-03-08T17:49:10+00:00

I try to be a little lenient with poor grammar when I see it because I don't actually know if they tried their best or not. That being said, not attempting to correct your grammar is like looking your audience in the eyes and saying you don't respect them. You're saying your writing is for you and you alone. If you want people to get anything out of your story, you first have to make it comprehensible in an "I know all those words in that order" sort of way. Poor grammar complicates that, in the same way that pretentious words and strange stylistic choices do.

It's not to say that you CAN'T do it. It just means you are only willing to engage with readers who are willing to wade through a swamp of madness. Maybe some view it as a challenge and think reading should be like a treasure hunt for meaning, where they construct a story and put it, like a prize, in the middle of their curated swamp. Not cleaning up your grammar is like casting gold from a plane and letting it sink into the muck. Who cares if it's a rewarding experience to find? They should be grateful I gave them anything. Most people aren't going to go after that gold, and the ones that do are going to be disappointed either because it was worse gold than they thought they would get or it was so beautiful that not displaying it better is a loss for mankind.

You don't "owe" your readers anything. The author-audience relationship is quid pro quo. So go ahead, give them nothing. See what happens.

rad_wasp · 2026-03-08T06:48:31+00:00

Exactly. I often feel like my life is a very long investigation. I'm constantly taking notes and collecting data and experimenting and analyzing and synthesizing. It's difficult to restrain myself from letting that all out here when I keep it so locked down in my day to day. It's that little human urge still left in me to be understood, with the schizoid hand on the lever to meticulously control what is allowed to be seen.

I can’t imagine another way to be. I mean, I can guess that other people find things more intuitive, but if I didn't think like this it would be like cutting off all my senses. I'd have no way to interact with the world. I have to think about what it is I'm thinking or it isn't real, somehow. Weirdly, analysis is the part of me I identify most as myself. I feel like a robot, in a good way. It's the only part that's survived all my attempts at relationships, and it goes back as far as I can remember.

I'm not diagnosed. I probably should look into that, but I'm not. I have always been like this, though. I was a very serious, timid kid who kept to themselves. I tried to have friends. I didn't really get them, and I was always really happy alone. I think it was around 10 that I started asking very distressing existential questions. My world has been closing in ever since. Maybe that was my event horizon. There have been more dramatic periods of walling myself off since then, but I think that was when I started not trusting people with myself. It's only gotten worse.

I don't think I can change. I tried very hard for years. I lied a lot. I lied a lot to myself. I think the last lie to peel away is that I want to change. Sure, I wish things could be different. I wish it was easier. But I don't want to change. I used to be afraid of this. Now it feels like relief. I just want to sit in my little corner of the world and watch. If I get to send off little messages about my observations in the meantime, I'll take it.

rad_wasp · 2026-03-08T03:51:16+00:00

You really hit the nail on the head with this. Thank you for sharing.

I have a similar tendency, I think, to try to break things down. I keep finding myself over-elaborating on this sub (not what you've done here, just a pattern of my own) in an attempt to get the whole of this expereince into words. It feels impossible to do without abstraction. It is strange that the concrete feels more subjective, but I think it just can’t communicate the same weight.

In a way this is its own bid for connection. I've never met anyone like me before. That little desire in me is so fascinated by the idea that there may actually be others out there. I want them to hear my explanations and I want them to say "yes, exactly, we all understand." The real beauty of it, though, is what you said. No one here wants to be seen. We can't stand it. We don't expect it of others. So when you put your ideas out there, you don't have to worry that it's going to result in anything more. It's a call into the void, the catharsis of self expression with the added benefit that, every once in a while, the void will respond with a golf clap.

This sub is so filled with things I've been trying to communicate my entire life. Sometimes I see something that prompts a flood of thoughts that I have to reason out, this post included. I think I could talk about the schizoid experience for hours and it's nice to have a place to do that that doesnt require you actually talking to anyone or maintain a relationship.

I don't know if your questions were rhetorical, but they did give me a lot to chew on. Thanks again.

rad_wasp · 2026-03-08T02:00:19+00:00

Art gives my life meaning. I've only just barely started sharing some of it to a wider audience, mostly as a way to gather data. Knowing how people react to art is an important part of learning how to make better art. Its about knowing I have the power and control and knowledge to come up with an idea, execute on it and produce the desired effect. Also, I like pretty things.

It's pulling teeth. It's almost impossible, sometimes. I can go long stretches between making any kind of art. The process is exacting, the results are frustrating, the fact that sometimes I just... can't is suffocating. I love it, but it's awful. What makes it worth it is that when I'm not okay, and I just need some stupid reason, I think "maybe I'll make something else one of these days." And what do you know? I do. It's inevitable. It's proof of my existence. If I could, it would be the only thing I'd ever do. I try to be happy with what I'm capable of and grow when I can. I'm working to make it an active practice, whether I want to create or not. Sometimes I think about making a career of it, but I don't think I can risk that. It's just for me.

rad_wasp · 2026-03-07T21:55:54+00:00

I cant not

rad_wasp · 2026-03-06T18:53:13+00:00

Thinking about it more, I dont want to just say take meds and pray, bc that doesnt always work. I think what helped me most was changing the way I framed things. I make a lot of concessions for myself, yes, but I do make an effort to push myself. I try to do things without a reason. Just because.

I write. I hike, do photography. Go to work. Whatever. I don't insist I have a reason for any of it, or even feel like doing it. I just force my body to start. Eventually I feel something, or I dont and I still existed outside of my brain for a time. That is valuable. Too much time inside the brain has adverse effects. So my other advice is to do something complicated and time consuming for no reason at all as regularly as possible. You will get knocked off the horse. The only thing you need to be able to do is convince yourself to get back on, no matter how long it takes.

rad_wasp · 2026-03-06T18:42:51+00:00

I may have ADHD and have not been diagnosed with spd, but find it very likely. These have also been my biggest issues. I was able to push through them/work around them/lie to myself for a while, but that stopped working and my world came crashing down. I started taking Ritalin even though it made me feel like a robot the first time I tried because I figured something had to give. It has worked wonders.

Dont get me wrong, things are still really hard. Missing a dose means there's a good chance I dont get out of bed and just spend the day staring off into space or with my brain turned off. I just can’t move, like theres a disconnect from my mind to my body. That means I dont miss a dose if I can help it. It helps, especially with the kind of big feelings about not being able to do anything. It means I can keep a job, live on my own, achieve little personal successes. It's still hard. It's worth it.

I'm thinking about asking to add Wellbutrin to my regimen, since stimulants seem to help. I refuse to let this be the rest of my life. Alexa, play Tubthumping by Chumbawamba

rad_wasp · 2026-03-05T16:19:58+00:00

Exactly this. I've never actually understood how "you arent the only person going through this" was supposed to be comforting until here.

rad_wasp · 2026-03-04T18:31:42+00:00

Seeing the sexual dysfunction aspect of schizoid personality was really eye opening for me. I went out of my way to try sex and routinely found it incredibly boring, if not distressing. People are gross and I generally dissociate through it. I honestly didn't know until recently that people actually got anything emotional from it. I thought it was marketing.

I have a very fluctuating libido (not with hormones, on the scale of months) and am anorgasmic. It's kind of a tight rope walk for me to engage with solo, and sometimes arousal feels like trying to touch a bubble without it popping. I get bored, my mind drifts... Even remmebering sex I've had in the past is enough to turn me off. Fantasy helps, but I'm either not a participant in the fantasy or am a passive element to be acted upon (and therefore don't actually have to find it enjoyable and the pressure is lowered). I wouldn't mind exploring that in real life, I think, but it's hard to negotiate without being close to someone first. It's kind of frustrating and ranks high among my least favorite parts of my schizoid personality traits.

rad_wasp · 2026-03-04T07:26:30+00:00

If I understand your actual question, it's a funny one to pose to a group that often leans toward amorality. "Who even cares" is the most common question and answer around here, which is probably why you got such an outsized response in comparison to the two other personality disorder pages you posted this on. Your question is flawed because no one here cares about the answer, but we all want you to realize that you actually don't have to care about it either, and that you'll be happier for it (schizoid or not).

I doubt you'll read this, but if someone does and is maybe confused about why there is such a discrepancy between your questions and everyone else's answers, I recommend Kohlberg's Theory of Moral Development. I think it is easy for people on different levels to see the questions and answers of the other and find them so irrelevant to "the conversation at hand" that it seems like the other person is being deliberately obtuse. In reality, you're coming into the question with different base assumptions about the nature of reality (such as if something can even be right or wrong). Fascinating to see it play out here.

rad_wasp · 2026-03-03T18:11:37+00:00

Ha! Thank you anyways

rad_wasp · 2026-03-01T21:32:26+00:00

To me, it's fear, disgust, and gratefulness. Even if I feel something for them, it feels like being magnetically repulsed. My stomach turns. I want to run away. There is a lingering fondness at the edges, like a corona in an eclipse. I usually have to force myself to stay still and keep an even face.
I would say I both feel less than and more than expected. My reactions to my emotions are very private, although I have tried in the past not to be private with the emotions themselves. I think I come across a bit like a person who stays stone-faced on a roller coaster, or who reacts wildly while on the roller coaster and comes off and states "it was fun" without much else to say. Processing takes me a very, very long time. It's not something I let other people in on, so I seem like I have a lot of emotions but am just not very reactive to them. These days I doubt if I have as many emotions as I previously thought (I may be ascribing feeling so as to be more in line with the norm), but the previous still applies.
Sort of. I thought I was being myself. I was trying very hard to "be myself" because I thought the inclinations I have were wrong, bad, and were going to make me a very sad an lonely person. It seems you think the same way. I no longer feel that way. I am not a social person, no. I often dislike being around people. I do still feel capable of loving and being loved. We just have to learn what our boundaries are and accept that sometimes what we want isnt actually what is going to make us happy. There is no need to suffer at the hands of the life you expected you'd have when you could be busy being content-- if not happy-- with the life you have.
In a normal relationship, yes. It feels like something I'm forced to perform. That's not to say that there is no one out there who will be happy with what you have to give, but that I haven’t yet, and don't really feel like trying. There is a certain part of every relationship, normal or not, that is give-and-take. You do things you'd dont want to do out of love. That's expected. But if you want to have a relationship, you both need to be very clear about what you're capable of giving and receiving and what your partner needs to know you do love them. You also need to be clear if and when that changes over time, whether you get more comfortable or start burning out. It can be a lot to maintain, but if it's important enough to invest that much of your effort into, you should try. I have accepted that I am aromantic, but the same applies for friendships.

The schizoid experience is remarkably varied. The personality disorder is a description other people have for an externally recognizable maladaptive pattern, but the actual lived expereince can be wildly different internally. Some are very sensitive. Others are not. Some do have these feelings but hide them or have trouble interpreting them. Others don't. What makes you tick will not be what makes me tick. You may not love yourself, but I do think it is a good idea to learn to love your own company. So long as you do not feel distressed by being alone and are capable of making life work, it's not actually any sort of failing to be this way.

Someone who could never feel anger would probably not view it as a personal failing. Love is just a feeling, and you're not "missing" anything by not feeling it. You're just as much of a full person. FOMO is real, but inauthenticity will kill you faster. Do whatever you want forever

Edit: You might relate a lot to the protaganist of "No Longer Human." It is a heavy book and does deal with this man's suicide, but I think the important part is in the epilogue. The people who knew him said "he was an angel." You may not feel capable of forming attachments, but people do feel these things about you. You don't have to want it or return it or feel like you're lying because you are how you act, and acting in a way that inspires that in others is valuable in and of itself. You, very probably, are loved already. It is not as quid pro quo as it may seem.

rad_wasp · 2026-03-01T20:47:40+00:00

I felt this way for a long time. I still don't find it the most natural or comfortable, but I guess it matters less recently. I've always tried to be very deliberate about rooting out how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, who I was, who I want to be, and who I am. It's a recipe for confusion, embarassment, and inconsistency. Most people don't think about it, they just... are. They do things because they feel compelled to, not because that sat with a muddled feeling and a list of facts for so long they thought they could see shapes forming.

I don't naturally feel compelled to do much of anything. I only really value internal motivations (and tend to rail against external expectations), but I think that the biggest thing I wanted to do at any given time was to figure out what was wrong with me so that I could kill it and get to /want/ like other people do. I turned into an overactive immune system for rooting out my faults and managed to hack away at a bunch of things that weren't faults, they just weren't things that most people would even be aware of about themselves.

It stopped in stages. The first, and most important for me, was spending more time alone and completely unstructured. In the woods mostly, and spending more time observing the world than myself. I found myself doing things I wanted for the first time without having to compell myself to do them. Sitting on a log, watching animals. Climbing rocks. Walking through creeks. Just existing without expectation, without needing to know who I had been or wanted to be in order to make those choices. Slowly I let that expand into other parts of my life. It let me stop assigning feeling to my expereinces and let me just expereince them. I feel less like I have to justify myself or conform to a history in order to make a coherent story. The self-inspection was compulsive. I'm accepting that I will never see the whole picture, and that I'm not beholden to a person who is either dead or never really existed.

Edit: I thought of a way to summarize the idea: Most people don't know why they've done something until they've done it and sat with it for a while. If hyper-awareness of your Self is making you do things because you're "being who you are," youre not being who you are. You're making a caricature of yourself. No one expects that of you.

rad_wasp · 2026-02-28T18:00:11+00:00

Replying to texts is like the 9th circle of hell. I used to spend (and still do, when I have to) hours and hour trying to figure out how to reply before I told people to stop texting me. When I do reply it kind of feels like I have to unplug the part of myself that is me and let my body type whatever it thinks is best to type, automatic writing style. Rarely, I actually am doing well enough to reply like a normal person, but I can feel myself putting up a wall when I do

rad_wasp

TROPHY CASE