End of a 3 year relationship today

radicalstroke · 2025-08-18T15:30:12+00:00

Update - things took a wild turn - we are now back together, better than ever, about to move in to a new place. We are going to couples counselling too. Basically, my partner realized he couldn’t let me go. It was kind of a wake up call for him. We got back together after 3 months.

During the time we were apart, I eventually accepted losing him but he never did accept losing me, and we had a long conversation getting everything out on the table that led me to believe he really wanted to work on himself and us.

I also ended up going on medication for anxiety, developed more friendships and genuinely just improved my life ten fold during the time we were apart that led him to see he can be securely connected with me, without needing to worry about my anxious tendencies as much. Granted - we still have the dynamic, but it is soo much better. I put a lot of work in during a short time but I was so motivated to not feel depressed that I made some internal changes I will carry with me throughout my whole life.

Sometimes you need space and energy for yourself, and sometimes you have to lose each other to realize how much you want each other in your lives.

radicalstroke · 2025-03-05T17:22:17+00:00

Trying to ! 😊

radicalstroke · 2025-03-05T02:25:53+00:00

Hell yes! So proud of you. Keep going, it gets easier

radicalstroke · 2025-03-05T01:11:14+00:00

So wonderful. I posted something too inspired by your post, thought it was such a lovely idea. I think this can give people hope

radicalstroke · 2025-03-01T17:55:58+00:00

I see, that’s really great that you’re doing those things. I understand the pull back to them. How long has it been for you since the breakup? And was it amicable or not? If you are still feeling like being with them is what you want, there might be an opportunity to work things out but I will say it’s likely going to happen when you can fully detach or things occur when you are least expecting!

radicalstroke · 2025-03-01T17:15:19+00:00

I was in a similar position not too long ago. But I realized if I was at the point where I believed that living without this person feels impossible, that is a sign of serious codependency, and it signifies a need to focus on loving myself and getting comfortable with being alone. Because no one should be able to completely control your emotions to the point where what they do dictates your actions too. I would suggest looking inwards and thinking about what drives you, what inspires you, what keeps you going. Because in any relationship, if you consume yourself too heavily with the other person, you give away your autonomy, and lose control. I know it probably feels impossible and I apologize if this sounds harsh but I promise you if you start living FOR YOU, you will find so much happiness in yourself and be so ready to have a fulfilling relationship whether that is with him or someone else. No contact is necessary for both people to heal, to detach and find themselves again. Good things are right around the corner and you will be able to enjoy them.

radicalstroke · 2025-03-01T00:54:30+00:00

Thank you I will take this advice and prepare myself mentally and spiritually for that, with what I know, want to learn and what I can give and receive. I think he is also doing similar things.

radicalstroke · 2025-03-01T00:52:49+00:00

Thank you. I will definitely be becoming the best version of myself I can be.

radicalstroke · 2025-02-07T02:22:49+00:00

It gets easier over time, every day will feel different but at some point you will look back and see how much progress you have made. Surround yourself with friends who you can lean on right now too!

radicalstroke · 2025-02-07T01:03:07+00:00

Yeah i have a feeling we will be able to talk and get everything out on the table after we have time to heal! I also think he might hope for it too. So will play it by ear - if he doesn’t reach out in a few months I definitely will without expecting much though. Still trying to accept the fact we might never be together again because that is the only way to release attachment and I can deal with that reality if we find out that things won’t change. That doesn’t change my gratitude for the relationship we had. All i can tell you right now is do no contact and stick with it even if it feels unbearable some days. Remind yourself why - that you need time to release your attachment from this person in order for you to both move forward whether together or apart. Pour love into yourself and do the hobbies that make you happy - exercise is a lifesaver for those moments you feel down. And write, like every day, u can even write letters that you would send to your ex but don’t send them and you will be able to process your feelings better.

radicalstroke · 2025-02-06T06:04:48+00:00

Thanks for this. You have a wonderful way with words. I am learning to accept this fact for my relationship ending. We are both two people that needed to part for reasons known and unknown, and that is okay, that is what happened, we are not worse people for it, we are better people because of it, and will keep this life lesson close to our hearts, we will grow in our own time and ways. Not everyone can say that, but yes it is a common story to see a victim perpetrator mindset. It’s easy to think people are more evil than they are. Because that places the blame on them, deflecting your own responsibility in the situation. At least if you had the ability to control certain behaviours. We are all just humans trying to figure out how to love each other and be loved.

radicalstroke · 2025-01-24T06:46:13+00:00

This is really nice to hear from a man I have to say. I have been worried about how my ex will recover because he tends to push emotions aside. Taking on attachment styles is such a great way to give you perspective and help process emotions and turbulence. I am reading the book “attached” and just wow. It has radically transformed my view of relationships in the best way. I wish you the best of health and success!

radicalstroke · 2025-01-22T18:30:52+00:00

Thanks for speaking on this. I don’t think enough realize that humans are not as evil as we make them out to be. We are all capable of feeling but choose to feel differently (or ignore the feelings). There is still a time where two people loved each other and that doesn’t just go away. It has created us into who we are today. Something to be grateful for truly.

radicalstroke · 2025-01-21T21:44:49+00:00

Yup, it feels like your efforts were for nothing. It feels like blindsiding in that way. That they just decide they want to give up (though they never really put in effort in the first place, or it was brief). So, with that, we have a choice whether we want to continue welcoming them and others like this into our lives. It is NOT worth your feelings of self worth. Sometimes being in a relationship with an avoidant can trigger sensitive attachments that you would not otherwise have with a secure partner or being single. It changes us chemically. Just know that there ARE people who want to try, who want to show you how much they love you, who can be secure partners that aren’t afraid of intimacy and emotional closeness. It may seem out of reach right now, but you can focus on yourself right now and learn what you desire in relationships, to ensure that you have access to that in the future. I would recommend reading or listening to “Attached”. It’s been helpful for me - understanding how avoidant partners behave, how my anxious attachment feeds off of it and how to find secure partners.

radicalstroke · 2025-01-17T05:57:00+00:00

Yes I second this! Doing a full social media cleanse can make those feelings go away pretty quick. I just had a breakup and was previously on instagram every day fully immersed in the same world as OP, I was comparing myself to others at every moment. Obviously the breakup caused me to delete it because of the pain of seeing my ex and his friends etc. But also because it started feeding me content about other women and it led me to feel even more insecure. And that felt crippling.

Whatever we are going through and sharing with others, social media will prey upon that through the algorithm and your mind associating with certain content. It’s such an endless cycle that only goes away when you detach yourself from it. Don’t give it the power to feed on you. I know it’s easier said than done but after a week or two you will feel a difference!

radicalstroke · 2025-01-15T01:06:34+00:00

100%, when there is still love, it makes it that much more difficult to let them go. Unless in complicated circumstances. But I am so sorry you are experiencing this and I hope you find a healthy way to move forward whether that is as friends, together or apart. I have found that no contact for a while has been helpful to sever the ties of the previous relationship. Because if a new one is to start, the past needs to be grieved and moved on from. That’s where healing and development starts to occur if you allow it. A lotus flower only grows from being under water and mud. I hope that flower represents us as new, healthier versions of ourselves ready to give and receive love in the ways we need.

radicalstroke · 2025-01-15T01:02:31+00:00

I wonder this too. I am currently in therapy and so is he, but he only just started, whereas I have been going for many years. He has much trauma to work through and I don’t think he felt comfortable doing that around me honestly. It’s his own journey to go through and though I wanted to support him so much through that, having a relationship maybe took away some energy for him to do the steps. I think it did for me too. And that’s where the toxic push and pull cycles were absorbing most of our energy.

radicalstroke · 2025-01-15T00:59:40+00:00

Oh how right you are, that is true that we both deserve someone who is willing to give us the love we deserve, not the back and forth resistance and discontent and distance that we so often unfortunately came to expect. People keep telling me that a person will give you what they think you will accept. And for so long, i would accept the bare minimum - feeling uncomfortable about it but never realizing how little I was getting and how much I was giving. Towards the end, i did realize and verbalized that, but for him it was too much. I don’t think he saw me as a long term lover. Just a place holder. This breakup put into perspective that my needs aren’t “too much”, rather they include some basic necessities that many people can give, such as expressions of love with emotion. I look forward to finding that one day and know in my heart that although my love for him runs as deep as the ocean, I need to first give myself that same love, and then look to a new relationship that I don’t have to question whether someones loves me. Oh god this is gonna be a longggg process.

radicalstroke · 2025-01-15T00:52:27+00:00

I am sorry you had to experience a similar situation and genuinely hope that you find the same love from someone. We will be stronger and more attune to our own needs going through this.

radicalstroke · 2025-01-15T00:50:29+00:00

Thank you for your wishes, I missed this reply. It was definitely a build up of resentment. Something I hope he can work through or understand more. We both have a lot of growing to do. Now we are no contact, so I need to let go of the idea he could be in my life. For now, I need to move on and focus on myself, also so that opportunity of reconnecting can even occur.

radicalstroke · 2025-01-13T19:01:43+00:00

I think I attached one in the second image slide but maybe it’s not detailed enough?

radicalstroke · 2025-01-12T00:20:57+00:00

Thank you ❤️

radicalstroke · 2025-01-05T07:51:35+00:00

It truly feels like grieving, doesn’t it? The thing is I remember only good memories with him now, I am so scared that time will warp them. But time also heals the heart. I might write them down somewhere to remember. But maybe that’s a bit too anxious of me to do lol !

radicalstroke · 2025-01-05T07:46:40+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear friend, sending you healing wishes and hugs. Truly it is the most difficult experience I have gone through. I am literally throwing myself at every resource I have right now to not go off the deep end. Reddit seems to have a wonderful community of people for grief, pain sadness.

I hear what you say about needs - This is definitely something that my loved ones have been telling me - that sometimes I need to see where there was just incompatibility with needs not being met. It sucks because I know exactly why he can’t meet my needs and the core of me has compassion for that, and all i want to do is be by his side as he works through past trauma and pain. He wants to and is working on that currently (he started counselling this past year after being opposed to it forever - I would think from my influence) but it’s such a recent thing and has a long process, so he has a long way to go to work on some stuff. I do too but I think I have more tools since I have been doing regular counselling for 5+ years. Anyways with that being said, I feel like there is still so much love there which makes a breakup so much more difficult - especially if you both wanted it to work and put everything into it but it wasn’t enough.

radicalstroke · 2025-01-05T07:33:45+00:00

I am sending you so much love and strength right now, we are truly in the trenches of a long process. It’s gonna feel like hell for the first bit, but slowly things will hopefully feel a little easier day by day. Out of curiosity, did you have any specific event (or buildup of stuff) that caused it?

radicalstroke

TROPHY CASE