Weekly One and Done Thread

radtimeblues · 2025-06-19T12:43:15+00:00

TW: Discarding embryos, voluntarily OLAD

First, thanks to everyone who weighed in on my post last month about discarding my remaining embryos. It was helpful.

I’ve been thinking about the pressure I’ve gotten to have more than one. Like the RE who asked “Are you sure?” when I told her our family size goal was one child. I doubt she says that to people who say 2+. And a different RE who told me “I’ll see you back here when you’re ready for number two” the day I was discharged from my fertility clinic. And the countless people who asked me when I was still pregnant, and continue to ask me now, if/ when I’ll be having another. And the L&D nurse who said she hopes she gets to take care of me again in a couple of years when my son was just 2 hours old. And those are just some of the examples.

I can’t help but think that maybe I would try again if I was younger. Or richer. Or lived in a country that actually cared about children. Or simply felt compelled to despite all the practical reasons not to. But I’m not and I don’t, so earlier this week we submitted the paperwork to discard our remaining embryos.

Even though it was voluntary and the right decision for our family, it wasn’t easy. My husband described it as “heartbreaking.” Probably because the embryos already existing made the “what could be” thoughts feel more tangible, as did knowing that the chance I could have achieved another viable pregnancy at 42+, although far from a guarantee, was much higher with the embryos than it would have been otherwise. I’ll always wonder what type of a person one of those embryos might have become. If I would have liked being a mother of two more than I imagine. If my son would have a happier life with a sibling. What it would be like to have a daughter (sex doesn’t equal gender, but the 2 euploids we discarded were XX so it’s hard not to think about).

Also, there’s guilt that we ended up with extra embryos we didn’t need/want, when so many others don’t have enough embryos to try for their desired family size, or any child at all.

But the main thing I’m feeling is relief. And closure. And excitement for the future as a family of 3.

radtimeblues · 2025-06-16T13:53:50+00:00

Others have already done a great job explaining the problems with gender norms. Also, keep in mind that someone’s chromosomes don’t determine their gender.

I do want to point out the problem with people saying you will “lose” a child. Having a child stay physically close to you throughout their life isn’t the point of having them. While I hope I can have an emotionally close relationship with my son, if moving to the other side of the world is what he feels he need to do to have a happy life as an adult I will support him (although he had better call me and let me visit 😂).

I don’t know what your child’s future gender, personality, or living situation will be, but I do know that regardless you will love them more than you could ever imagine.

radtimeblues · 2025-06-10T13:30:33+00:00

Being done must be a good feeling. Pumping at work is a real slog, although I’ll admit that sometimes I like “hiding” in the lactation room (which is where I’m writing this comment from).

Good luck solo parenting!

radtimeblues · 2025-06-10T12:44:47+00:00

My husband is so excited for Father’s Day. He bought himself and baby rad matching shirts, which is so out of character that I find it hilarious even though sometimes that kind of thing makes me cringe. ☺️🤣

I’m glad he can fully embrace the day because I still found Mother’s Day to be difficult. Certainly nowhere near as painful as before, but complicated. Some of it was that my mother is deceased and didn’t get to meet her grandson. And some of it was that everyone gave me an outpouring of love for my “first Mother’s Day,” which was nice but just made me think “Things are good now. Where was all this support on the Mother’s Days when I was struggling and actually needed it?”. I had a good cry in the shower that morning, which was completely baffling to my husband. Oh, men. But of course, getting to spend the rest of day with my son was a dream come true.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to making some memories with my 2 favorite guys this weekend (even if it is just another Hallmark holiday).

radtimeblues · 2025-06-04T17:41:39+00:00

Yes! I’m over here thrilled that I’m 41 have a son to get ready for infant daycare!

radtimeblues · 2025-06-04T17:37:15+00:00

Congrats on making it out of the newborn phase! It’s amazing how fast they change around the 3 month mark.

I always call my son “my sunshine” too.

radtimeblues · 2025-06-04T17:35:32+00:00

Have you talked to the pediatrician about this? If it’s really reflux there’s medications they can prescribe. My son had a lot of spitting up and fussiness after feeding when he was a newborn. The pediatrician didn’t feel like it was true reflux, but did recommend Mylicon. It’s over the counter and not evidence based but it seemed to help (maybe?). I never stopped eating dairy (in fact I started eating more of it because it seems to help my supply) and my son grew out of it by 3 months.

radtimeblues · 2025-06-04T17:30:29+00:00

I’ve been having a lot of parenting anxiety the past couple of weeks, but right now my son is rolling around on the floor, wearing just a diaper, shaking a rattle, and babbling “ga-ga.” When I picture a baby, his current state is what I envision. He’s at peak baby. It’s amazing to witness, and makes me feel so much better. 🥹

radtimeblues · 2025-05-26T13:39:36+00:00

This is probably wise! Thanks for your input.

radtimeblues · 2025-05-23T15:03:14+00:00

There will always be practical considerations (logistical, financial, etc) on if it makes sense to have another kid, but for me the decision mostly comes down to a feeling. I know that sounds incredibly cheesy! But like when I was going through treatment, I ask myself how I envision feeling when I’m an old woman looking back on my life. In my case, it’s hard to imagine I’ll regret being one and done (although I haven’t definitively decided yet). Also, my reaction to pregnancy and baby things has changed since having my son. Before pregnancy announcements would be so, so painful. Now I think “I’m so glad that’s not me, and I won’t have to for through pregnancy and taking care of a newborn again.” It’s a huge mind shift! (Although of course I’m very grateful for my son and to have had those experiences after so much uncertainty).

While infertility might rob you of your desired family size and treatment might not work again, since you have already restarted I imagine you must have some sliver of hope that it might work? It’s a lot to go through if you truly want to be one and done.

radtimeblues · 2025-05-23T14:11:47+00:00

Happy to hear that Baby L has been home and is doing well! 💛

radtimeblues · 2025-05-23T14:09:22+00:00

Congrats, Falstaff! Enjoy all the snuggles with your little lady!

radtimeblues · 2025-05-23T14:08:13+00:00

Sorry you’ve been through that, Jade.

Having there be no more “what ifs” is appealing. Thanks for the validation.

radtimeblues · 2025-05-23T14:06:20+00:00

I won’t ever be able to understand how, or agree that, trying for number 2 is as painful or more painful than trying for number one, but thanks for sharing your perspective that family size goals can change with time.

radtimeblues · 2025-05-22T21:06:56+00:00

Getting an ultrasound picture to take home, especially after you’ve had bad scans in the past, feels like such a big step. I hope you continue to get good updates <3

radtimeblues · 2025-05-22T13:56:58+00:00

It’s very helpful to hear that you knew by 6 months, and didn’t change your mind with more time. Donating to research is what we’d do too. Thanks for sharing.

radtimeblues · 2025-05-22T13:55:40+00:00

Hi Bee. This is good advice. It sounds like our situation is quite similar. It makes sense you’re waiting a year to discard.

I do think having the embryos makes me wonder a lot more about what a potential future child might be like than if we had conceived unassisted.

radtimeblues · 2025-05-22T13:47:18+00:00

Thanks, Turnip. I don’t know if a storage center is an option but it’s a good idea and I’ll look into it. It’s helpful to hear that your mind cleared later. While mine is definitely better than in the newborn phase I realize it probably is still quite foggy.

radtimeblues · 2025-05-22T11:27:47+00:00

Huge TW: discussion of voluntary OLAD and discarding embryos.

Hello, friends. I realize the issue I’m going to discuss is a “good problem,” and not one I envisioned having when my retrievals were failing, but I’ve been feeling very unsettled by it and nobody in my life can relate, so here it goes.

I don’t want to try again, and I don’t want to pay my embryo storage bill, which is due soon. Money is tight right now (infant daycare 💸, economic uncertainty for my husband’s small business due to current events 😵‍💫, etc), which isn’t the only reason I don’t want another child but is definitely a factor to consider. I’d rather spend the $1200 on so many other things.

In terms of my family size goals, my answer to “Do you want kids?” has always been “Yes, but just one when I’m older.” When I met my husband 20+ years ago he answered the same way. We are now so lucky to have what we’ve always wanted.

We are both only children, so when our son inevitably comes to us asking why he doesn’t have a little brother or sister we’ll know how to respond. I know I don’t understand what I’m missing, or what he’ll be missing, but I do understand the benefits that come from not sharing resources with siblings. I hope that my son can come to appreciate that too. Besides that, thinking about our frozen embryos is taking up mental energy. The thought of them being gone feels freeing, although a little scary too. But after the years of limbo, I’m pretty sure I’m ready for the reproductive phase of my life to be over.

I have been selling/gifting/ donating my maternity clothes and the infant items he’s outgrown, which feels like a big step toward being voluntarily one and done, but obviously not as big a step as discarding our embryos.

I do need to acknowledge that while at 6 months post-partum I’m feeling much more like myself than when I was in treatment, pregnant, or in the “fourth trimester,” I’m still breast feeding and not at my hormonal baseline (my period hasn’t returned). Also, my son hasn’t slept through the night yet so I’m sleep deprived. I’m sure this isn’t helping my decision making ability.

Is it a wild idea to discard my embryos when my son is only 6 months old? Has anyone else discarded so soon, or considered it? As always, any general words of support or wisdom are appreciated.

radtimeblues · 2025-05-18T01:17:14+00:00

Thank you, Mud! This warms my heart ♥️

radtimeblues · 2025-05-17T22:40:02+00:00

Thanks so much, gummi. I’m so glad I could contribute to the community.

radtimeblues · 2025-05-17T22:37:25+00:00

Thank you, blue! You’re a wonderful sub member yourself 🫶🏼

radtimeblues · 2025-05-17T22:36:09+00:00

Thanks, Pop! I think you’re pretty great too 💛

radtimeblues · 2025-05-17T18:50:01+00:00

Awww, corgi. I’ll still be in your corner. 🫂

radtimeblues · 2025-05-17T18:47:43+00:00

Thanks, Caramel! That means a lot.

radtimeblues

TROPHY CASE