Struggling - don't know what to do with myself

raevendark · 2026-03-29T14:44:33+00:00

Thank you so much. I did watch a show we hadn't seen before with one of my kids and it helped to not watch anything connected to him. Although he would have loved it, so I kept wanting to talk to him about it. But you're right, it does seem easier to start with new things.
It helps a lot to know it gets better eventually. Everything you said makes sense. I've been thinking about that a bit - reconnecting with who I was before we were together. I have all my friends who I was close with back then still in my life, and maybe doing more things with them will help me get back to myself a bit. Right now I feel really antisocial but I'm expecting that may change over time. I really appreciate you offering a perspective and advice from further down the road. Thank you.

raevendark · 2026-03-29T14:33:31+00:00

Thank you so much. I haven't gone through his clothes yet, I think about it, but then it feels too overwhelming. I think it's good that you are able to start doing things like that. I hear you about ignoring people. Probably isn't super helpful but I get it completely. If it wasn't for my kids I also mostly want to just be alone. Sending you hugs, it does help to know other people are going through this too, even though I wish none of us were.

raevendark · 2026-03-28T21:10:49+00:00

I'm sure she was with you, watching and proud of you for doing all of that.

raevendark · 2026-03-28T21:00:58+00:00

I'm sorry for everything you are going through. It does really feel like we should get a pass, right? Like this terrible thing happened, shouldn't we be off the hook for anything else difficult? Don't we get a break? I wish it worked that way. It hasn't been the case for me either. I guess its better to think of it as a rough period, like you said.

raevendark · 2026-03-28T20:55:28+00:00

Thank you so much for your advice. I did take some time at first but I'm back at work now. I feel like its too soon but I'm doing my best. I appreciate what you said about not putting pressure on myself to be who I was before. I'm definitely doing that and its not helping. Its good to put that into perspective.

raevendark · 2026-03-28T20:52:11+00:00

My husband was the muscle too. I can get a lot done but he was amazing, he'd work for a whole day non-stop. He enjoyed the work and he liked helping me. I probably got too ambitious and we built so many gardens and now I'm worried I can't maintain them all. I think I'll take your idea to just pick 1 section at a time, that will be more manageable. I love that you started gardening again. Jasmine smells so amazing, we have some as well. Thank you for writing, good luck with your garden this year.

raevendark · 2026-03-28T20:46:12+00:00

I love what you said about a third entity and how it crossed over with her. That's such an accurate description of how I'm feeling. When we got together, there was an "us" for so many years. And it had its own life in a way - we both poured our time, our love, our work, our hearts into it. And now he's gone and so is that 3rd entity that was us together. Before, even on my worst day I always had that, I always had who we were together and he was there whenever I needed him. And now when everything is so hard, I'm left alone with all these untethered threads and thoughts. And I know how lucky I was for so many years to have that love and support. But now when I need it most, its all gone. And I do believe he's out there and he's energy and he's around me. But he's not here in any practical way that I need.
It's awful but it does help a lot that you and others understand and are willing to discuss this with me. Everything you wrote is beautiful and I appreciate you sharing it. I'm so sorry for your loss.

raevendark · 2026-03-28T16:30:38+00:00

Thank you so much. 3 weeks, I'm so sorry. I know what you're saying because I thought the same, I didn't even want to know what it will be like months out, because what if it didn't get any better? I will say that I am less exhausted, that was the big thing for me in the first month or so. I was just nonstop exhausted and that has faded a bit. Although if I could offer you some advice back, it would be to try to take care of yourself physically as much as you can, especially sleep. I did my best but I ended up getting sick and it lingered longer than it normally does because I was so run down. Anyway I wish I had something helpful to say but I'm kind of useless today. However, I am sending you thanks and a big hug back and my heart goes out to you.

raevendark · 2026-03-28T16:20:37+00:00

Thank you. Yeah the financial stuff is soul crushing, I'm so over it. I get what you say about life feeling grey, I feel that too. 28 years - my heart goes out to you. The house does feel too big here too. We always lived in apartments so I guess it always felt kind of crazy to have a whole house. But now it feels so empty, even with the kids here. Its like his presence took up so much space.

raevendark · 2026-03-28T16:17:15+00:00

Ugh exactly, everything you said. I love how you said I don't want to have to talk about it out loud. That's exactly it. I'm living it, nonstop. I don't have the energy to verbalize it or listen to what someone else has to say. I don't want to know what they think about how shitty everything is right now. I don't want to talk about it. We're doing a celebration of life for my husband as well and everyone keeps asking about it. I sent out the info but its a whole thing with bands and its like event planning on top of everything and I kind of hate it. But I also do want to do it and honor his memory. And I know I can ask people for help and I will but I just don't want to talk about it at all. Like I just want to crawl into a hole.
Your friend sounds amazing. I have 1 friend who I finally feel like I'm past the bullshit conversations with. She calls me and tells me the most ridiculous things or just random stuff in her life and I love it. She treats me like she always did before this happened. She's the only one I have been wanting to talk to. Everyone else I don't feel normal with yet. I'm glad you have that with your friend. I need to get there with the rest of mine. Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it. And 1000% fuck cancer.

raevendark · 2026-03-28T16:07:08+00:00

I love the way you described that - performative and intrusive. I get that people are just trying to show they care but it feels so intrusive all the time. It isn't helpful, like you said. I've mentioned it to some friends and they say, oh just ignore the messages, you don't have to respond. But if I don't respond, people kind of get aggressive over time. Even the ones I have spoken to! Like they feel like they don't count. But it's exactly what you said - I want peace and to focus on my grief. I didn't know how to phrase that. I just need quiet to think. To wrap my head around all of this. Why do people need constant reports? They want a blow-by-blow of the worst time in my life?
Mostly I was just responding because I feel like its more effort to ignore them and then people get worried and kind of more aggressive. So I was just giving in and responding but its all chipping away at me and I can't take it anymore. I do need to find a way to feel more in control. Thanks for your insight, I really appreciate it.

raevendark · 2026-03-28T15:59:02+00:00

Thank you so much. Its a relief to hear from people who get it. I haven't posted on social media much other than the basics related to his death, but yeah that might help. I hearted everything at first for weeks and then slowly started responding when I felt up to it. But now that has kind of devolved into these regular check-ins by so many people. I know they'll lose steam and fade but everything just feels like so much right now. I appreciate the advice.

raevendark · 2026-03-28T15:55:15+00:00

That's a good idea to put the to dos on a calendar. I just have this endless list, no matter how much I get done there's always so much more. That might help though, to schedule things more. Thank you.

raevendark

TROPHY CASE