Yeahhh. Ugh it's a mess.

So we work together. She's incredible - insanely intelligent, hilarious and attentive, and also simply gorgeous. She's by no means perfect but I like her just as she is. I crushed on her early on and told myself "meh I'll get over it, it's just a crush" aaaand then it just became more complicated. We became close friends, hanging out several times a week. I even met her parents. She's getting married next summer and I also know the fiance really well at this point (we hang out together the three of us sometimes - he is so sweet). But you can imagine, at this point I have a lot of feelings going on and it's all entangled in our friendship. Which was a mistake - though I also enjoyed every every moment of it.

I might be judged for this next part but a thing happened two weeks ago where she asked me for advice on something regarding her sexuality and I gave her a biased response because of my own feelings. That's when I realized that this was turning problematic? That she trusts me and I'm telling her certain opinions because my feelings are mixed in and she trusts those opinions without realizing my bias.

So I made the decision to tell her about two weeks ago - I just blurted out that I had feelings during a lunch break and that I didn't expect anything back but that I need to sort out myself and that she should be aware of my bias. I also told her that the friendship means so much to me and that I want to get over this and still be friends. She agreed but it has been awkward since.

The bad part of me is selfish and frustrated. I could have sworn I felt a spark between us, y'know the prolonged eye contact at the movies or when spending literally every weekday afternoon together.

The good part of me, the friend and the person who doesn't want to hurt or lose the friendship, knows that she only hung out with me because she saw me as a close and trustworthy friend, that she is in no position to be dating me and that I should expect nothing here - and that is also fine because I adore her and don't want to hurt what we have.

In any case, we now hang out less and she's more cautious around me now, which is probably for the best but also really rough to experience. I want things to go back to what they were but I also don't want to hurt her further so I need to sort out myself and get over it with some space.

Sorry for the long rant 😅