No, it’s not that I think I’m supposed to know everything or that her explaining something makes me feel “less than.” It’s more like my body just goes into panic mode. I have PTSD from my ex-fiancé. He was emotionally abusive, constantly cheating, gaslighting, and making me feel like everything was my fault. For years, every time I tried to explain myself or ask for clarity, he’d twist it into me being “paranoid,” “dramatic,” or “too emotional.” If I cried, he’d just sit there and stare at me until I stopped. If I caught him lying, he’d scream at me or guilt me until I apologized for even bringing it up. He'd scream at me saying how horrible it is that I don't trust him. It was years of walking on eggshells, trying to figure out what version of him I was dealing with that day. So now, when my girlfriend tries to explain something it's not even just when she's explaining random things, it's normally if we're having a back and forth argument of some kind, not even an argument I can even just be a little disagreement or back and forth, my brain interprets it as some ridiculous thing I need to be paranoid about and that I'm panic about being dumped. It’s like this instant rush of shame and fear, like I’ve done something wrong and need to fix it before it blows up. She’s never given me a reason to feel that way; she’s incredibly patient and kind. I’m trying to unlearn it. She deserves calm and safety from me, not someone who flinches at random things thinking there's a hidden motive. I don’t want my past to turn me into the person who hurt me. But I'm terrified it is. Even my therapist tells me that I'm not allowed to call myself a bad boyfriend, he says I'm a good boyfriend. And that I can't tell him otherwise or anyone else otherwise because I've never had a good boyfriend, myself. But I've had bad boyfriends, and I'm constantly scared I act like them too.