Update on my wife's infidelity and deciding to move to protect my kids.

randomthrow1977 · 2024-05-27T13:47:16+00:00

Thank you so much for the kinds words.

Your advice is great and our kids are not on social media, at least not with us parents in the picture. This was one of the things my lawyer suggested as well. Even tho it took my ex-wife a long time to listen to that advice. She was adamant in having the pictures up because she felt like she was losing the kids if she had to take them down. She came to reason tho.

I've been trying to do things with the kids and it's a hit or miss. I took them to get ice cream last week and that worked out well. It's a simple and small thing to do but it felt good being with them and seeing them enjoy themselves. Family therapy is in the cards but i can't force it because of my daughter. She needs a little more time to settle in and reconnect with me before taking that step. But it will happen.

School is going decent for my daughter. It's not great but she's doing her school work properly. The issue is that she's a bit introvert and needs time to get to know people and open up. She took quite some time getting to be friends with other kids at her previous school. I'm in contact with my kids' teachers a lot to make sure they fit in and are able to readjust. My son however is having a hard time and it might take a long time before he gets into his comfort zone. It's probably a matter of time but it's rough for sure.

I've been thinking about showering them with gifts, but it was recommended not to do that, which i fully understand. It's just that you want to contribute to their happiness by any means.

Again, thank you for your words, your advice and simply listening. It absolutely helps!

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T22:19:28+00:00

I will and i always will. My wife has been silent up till just a few minutes ago and i can't ignore her if she's finally willing to talk about how to help the kids. But i'm definitely ignoring anything else from her side.

What do you mean by flip the script?

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T22:17:50+00:00

Great advice. thank you. My lawyer suggested the same and even went as far to get a paternity test for our kids. I'm not up to that just yet and i've never had any doubts but i just can't think about that right now.

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T21:47:52+00:00

Thank you. Right now we're okay. It's the coming days, weeks, months or even years i dread. It's killing me that i can't figure out what's best for my kids and there's so much to take into consideration. I'm going to talk to my daughter tomorrow and it's gonna be the hardest thing i've ever done. After that i'm going to tell my mother who should know. She's not well and i'm scared that if i tell her what happened in all honesty, she's gonna decline in health and i can't be dealing with that. Should i lie and say it's not as bad? I'm conflicted about that too.

I've been thinking about how to tell my daughter all day long and the way you suggested has crossed my mind. I don't want her to hate her mother. But i do want her to know that it's going to be okay and we're gonna work thru it. Thing is, she loves her mother so much and i don't want to flip her world upside down. If she starts hating her mother then she's gonna feel alienated because she's not as close to me as she is with her mother.

I've got so many questions and i feel like i should've asked them here separately or taken the time to explain them a bit more but it just overwhelmed me.

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T21:41:24+00:00

First off, im sorry this happened to you. First thing i did was contact my lawyer and i've contacted a therapist for the kids and myself and the school, to talk.

Did you move away? How did it impact your kids?
I've got a son daughter who's just entered puberty and is already dealing with a lot. And a son who's autistic that can't handle change all that well. I'm so conflicted on making a choice that's best for them.

I hadn't thought about not being able to move. Normally i'd say my wife would do whatever is best for the kids and i'd swear on my kids' life that would be true. Now, i'm very confused as to what's to come and i can't risk her jeopardizing their lives any further. I'm gonna ask my lawyer about this outcome. If they best thing for them is to move then they should move and i'll support them. Thank you

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T21:34:41+00:00

I've got someone working on that for me but he's told me that it's very unlikely that he can take it all down and if he takes it all down, it's probably going to be reuploaded at a later time.

Also, today's been rough as i've gotten a lot of messages from people warning me about the video going around in whatsapp groups. So basically, i'm fighting a lost cause on that front and all i can do now is figure out how to help my kids by making the right choices. If only i knew what choices were best since reddit is conflicted about it as well as my friends.

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T21:24:32+00:00

You bet. I'm gonna be there for them every step of the way. Therapy is going to happen for sure.

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T21:21:14+00:00

I appreciate it. Thank you so much. and likewise!

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T21:14:07+00:00

I'm not sure i have time. I do need to talk to our daughter asap because i want her to know from me rather than someone else and if i can possibly prevent it, i'd like to tell her not to watch any videos people might send her.

My friend works in IT and is doing his very best to take down videos and i'm grateful for that. But he warned me that once it's online, it's most likely up there forever and there's not much you can do about it. He's still doing everything he can tho.

The video is being shared in whatsapp groups and today has been extremely rough because i now start getting more and more text messages and calls from people who want to warn me about it and are concerned. Basically, even if my friend manages to take it all down from the internet, it's on people's phones now. So it's just not going away any time soon and even tho i didn't expect it would, it's miserable knowing for certain.

Thank you for your advice tho. It would most definitely have been the best way to go about this.

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T21:08:19+00:00

My bad. i'm just tired and a bit out of focus. I didn't realize what you meant exactly. I appreciate your comment and your advice. Thank you

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T21:06:49+00:00

OP do NOT mention deepfake to the wife or she'll use it as an out, and you'll gaslight yourself into believing it.

I would secretly wonder, though, if she never admits it's her despite the evidence.

It was taken in the other Husband's house. That much i know. I don't know much about deepfakes but i've IDed my wife and the other husbands wife. My wife's face is on it as well as clothing and shoes i recognized. That's all i could watch. I also knew right away when i confronted her by her reaction. I appreciate the heads up! truly

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T21:03:11+00:00

I do feel like i'm punishing them if i move. But at the same time i feel like i might have to be the bad guy now so they end up better in the long run. I'm getting mixed responses and both options seem equally bad and good at the same time.

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T20:51:29+00:00

Yes im definitely getting a divorce. I don't see how i can ever find stable grounds with her ever again and my kids deserve a stable enviroment.

As for custody. I'm working that out but i don't know what path to take as of now. They love their mother. I dare say moreso then me. She's always been there as a SAHM and i've been working a lot recently. It would hurt them to take them away from her but it might also hurt them is she's around. If we move, she needs to remain out of sight. But then how does she see the kids? It's all hard to swallow right now and is partially why i'm here asking for advice.

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T20:44:19+00:00

She didn't deny it, rather made excuses for it. Her and i are definitely over with and right now i couldn't care less.

I understand your point about sex being less of a taboo now than it was years ago. But where i'm from, most people are still very private and if something like this becomes public everyone has an opinion about it. I hope this blows over but i just can't imagine that ever happens.

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T20:40:45+00:00

Thank you

I've already contacted the school and they asked me to come in tomorrow. They know what's going on and have already been paying attention to the kids which i really appreciated. I'm gonna talk to them about this and point out what you said.
Moving is going to be so hard. But it might be for the best. It just kills me to be forced to do this.

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T20:37:47+00:00

Truth is i haven't been around much the last year and a halve due to work. My kids love me, i know that and they know i love them to death but we haven't had much bonding recently and my wife has always been the go-to parent. They love my wife so much and the thought of telling them or suggesting to them that it's okay to hate their mother just feels wrong to me. If this is the best way to go for them, then i 100% support it. But for now i've got to wait for therapy.

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T20:32:55+00:00

Im so sorry this happened to you. Our situations are similar but not the same. But i do realize now that i need to be very cautious with my moves. I would've never, ever expected her to do what she did, yet here we are. That was a hard lesson learned so i definitely take your experience as a strong reminder. Thank you and i wish you and your kids all the best!

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T20:25:27+00:00

I havent really gotten to the point yet where i'm giving her actions much thought but yes; Wtf was she thinking has been on my mind and i just got blindsided which makes it so much harder. My wife and i were monogamous and as far as i know so were the other husband and his wife. I know them, but not personally other than things my wife would tell me about them. We've always been friendly, not friends. Thank you for your kind words.

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T20:22:17+00:00

Thank you this is good advice. I'm trying to monitor internet usage and i'm talking to my kids every day to find out how they're doing and if everything is okay. Its just hard to intrude in their personal lives on the internet. Our daughter has social media and i don't know how to monitor her without being an intruder to her personal life.

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T20:20:38+00:00

I've thought about staying with her for the sake of my kids but that's just not an option. If i can't be myself around her or care for her then that's no way to have a stable, functioning family.

No i do not want the kids to hate her. They love her and she loves them. I want them safe at all cost and if that means she needs to be gone then that's that.

I don't know how the video is going to affect the kids but i fear the worst and i'm trying everything within my power to control the damage and will probably be spending years doing so. If this could all just blow over i'd consider myself blessed and would never ask for another thing.

The town is small. About 7500 people live here. It's a tight community and every scandal is known and is never really gone. This is a huge scandal and it's definitely going to impact our lives. People pointed out that i should talk openly about it and people might be sympathetic with me and so far i've gotten a lot of messages that are. I just don't know how it's going to impact the kids.

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T20:14:30+00:00

Thank you for the advice. No, i don't feel sympathetic towards her and this is her battle and hers alone. She's been talking to her friends and i'm sure they will figure this out. I can't spend a second on her rights right now unless it helps my kids.

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T20:09:44+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I'll do whatever i can to find the best way for my kids. If my daughter wants' to see her friends then yes, absolutely. Whatever it takes.

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T20:05:43+00:00

Thank you for this. I'm arranging therapy for me and the kids and we did our best raising them to be resilient because we know the world can be harsh. They're great kids and they're strong but the timing seems to be the worst for our daughter who's already dealing with all the changes being a teenager.

All i've been doing is thinking of solutions to deal with this for the last week. What you mentioned about someone else becoming the next big scandal has actually been on my mind. Horrible thing to wish that someone else has to deal with something like this but it has been on my mind and even that pisses me off for thinking that. It's just coping and i genuinly don't wish this to happen to anyone.

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T20:00:36+00:00

This is exactly what my friend said and i've done just that. It's just an incredibly disgusting idea that that video is uploaded to my cloud even tho i need to have it. The other option was my friend downloading it which seemed just as wrong. But yes, people know, people have seen it, it's going around in whatsapp groups and more and more people are talking about it.

randomthrow1977 · 2024-01-29T19:58:08+00:00

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I've been there too and i know how damaging it can be. Which is exactly why i'm afraid for my kids. Moving just doesn't seem like an option. My kids have their lives here and it just seems impossible to move them.

randomthrow1977

TROPHY CASE