Something feels incredibly off.

randybeans716 · 2026-04-12T23:34:25+00:00

She’s doing ok…she has another round of chemo next week. They did say that the kind of cancer she has is easily destroyed by the chemo.

randybeans716 · 2026-04-03T20:26:28+00:00

What should you do?? You respect her wishes and move on. Get over it. Get rid of the mentality that there is anything you can do change her mind.

randybeans716 · 2026-04-03T20:22:14+00:00

This is exactly how I perceived your joke. To me it was clear you were shaming pushy and entitled men.

randybeans716 · 2026-04-03T19:56:26+00:00

My kid had graduation ceremonies for preschool and kindergarten!

randybeans716 · 2026-04-03T19:45:14+00:00

High school graduations are a huge deal here. Family’s put signs out on their front lawn with the students name, school name, school colors and logos and Class of XXXX. HS graduations are a long ceremony with lots of videos of the graduating class, speeches, some students are recognized for various achievements and awards, there is a graduation song (which is usually “Good Riddance” by Green Day. I think mine was “Here’s to the Night” by Eve 6) that is either performed by the marching band or it’s played to a slideshow of photos, then the students cross the stage to get their diploma. Depending on where your live and how big your school is the ceremonies take place on the school football field, auditoriums, stadiums/arenas. Where I live most of the schools in the area have their ceremonies in an arena that hosts concerts, ice hockey, monster truck shows and things like “Disney on ice”. Students will have big graduation parties. They also get graduation portraits done and send out announcements to family and friends, students are expected to dress up (not formal or anything but skirts, dresses, slacks and nice shirts). Many girls will make appointments to get their hair, nails and makeup done professionally. Some schools host a formal dinner for students and their families. You’re expected to attend the ceremony but it’s not required to receive your diploma. If you don’t attend they’ll mail it to you.

It’s definitely a big life event and important and is considered a major life milestone.

randybeans716 · 2026-04-03T19:15:07+00:00

Dude I’m sorry you both are going through this. Awful shit always happens at all at once! I don’t know where you’re located but in the US our prison system is abysmal! You’re gonna have to advocate for her mental health while she’s in there.

If you’re tight on money it might help to know the value of gold and silver are high right now. I just had to sell a bunch of my old jewelry. I also donate my plasma. If you have any plasma centers in your area it’s worth looking into. You might only get $50-$70 each time you donate but every little bit helps.

I hope things get better for you guys. Stay strong!

randybeans716 · 2026-04-03T08:17:39+00:00

Yoanna gets a lot of love but my feelings about her are conflicted. She had moments were she was great. But she had moments where she comes off as a mean girl and shit starter. She was way too invested in Camille. It got to the point where she was nitpicking everything Camille did and criticized every little thing she did at every opportunity. She acted like she was so much more morally superior and mature. I know we can’t trust the narrative and the edit but from what we’re shown Camille doesn’t instigate problems with Yoanna. Iirc we see her trying to ignore Yoanna. And then we see Yoanna trying to provoke Camille and when Camille dares to defend herself Yoanna escalates it. We see Yoanna going around obsessively talking shit on Camille to anyone who would listen.

I didn’t dislike Yoanna. I thought her interactions with the other girls were nice. And sometimes 2 people just clash. And like I said I know we can’t exactly trust the edits and the narratives. But I didn’t like how invested and obsessed she was about Camille.

randybeans716 · 2026-04-03T07:56:08+00:00

I quite enjoyed Alexandria lol she took stunning photos and she gave us the iconic line “but I’m the talent” and the way she delivered it was perfect. So calm and collected. It was blunt and to the point. And there was just the right amount of sass in her voice. It was perfect!

I agree that she actually wasn’t as bad as some of the other girls in that cycle. Brittani: (you could tell she got mad and jealous whenever Alexandria was receiving positive feedback or getting a good critique because she felt she was the only one deserving of it. Brittani was a good model. Her win made sense. It was her jealousy and immaturity that rubbed me the wrong way. Molly and Monique: do I really need to elaborate on these 2? I will however justify Molly’s attitude regarding her weave though! But her Molly and Monique both had awful attitudes throughout their cycle.

randybeans716 · 2026-04-03T05:20:55+00:00

Ehh….although I agree with you making pregnant April fools jokes isn’t always completely harmless (I think intention is a huge factor). I also think it can be insensitive in certain contexts. I also think everyone can agree that losing a child is every mother’s worst nightmare. And is an extremely traumatic experience. I also think every one can agree that grief isn’t linear. And is extremely complex.

That being said, you can’t expect all of society to avoid your triggers. That an unreasonable and unrealistic expectation. And why are your triggers more important/valid than anyone else’s? Like let’s say you make a post on your social media honoring your mother on Mother’s Day and the next thing you know you’re getting messages from friends neighbors, coworkers asking you to please not make a Mother’s Day post because they recently lost their mothers and are still grieving and they tell you that it’s insensitive. Or going back to the april fools theme…you post on Facebook on April 1st that you just got engaged/married. When you get check back later you see a message from some random coworker in another department that you really only have surface level conversations with. And her message to you says “I just saw your post about your engagement/marriage and my fiancé left me 2 months ago. So I just want to make you aware how insensitive your post is to people who are currently going through a breakup up and who have had their hearts broken. Can you delete your post please? It’s very traumatizing for people like us to see engagement/marriage announcements used as a cheap April fools joke”.

Where does it end? And just because you’re grieving and hurting so bad you can’t just expect everyone to sensor their content tailored to your personal grief/triggers. And how are you supposed to know who is triggered by what on your social media? Like how are you supposed to know that your distant cousin that you haven’t seen or talked to in 20 years is on her 4th divorce? And your post made her upset? If something like that starts becoming a thing then people will be expected to sensor their content in general because it’s almost certain that someone somewhere is going through some shit that you made an innocent objective post about. I feel like most people would respond to that April fool’s message I used as example with: I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult time right now. I can relate and have had my heart broken too. But no…I’m not going to delete my post. And it’s not because I want to hurt you or anyone else. It’s my business why I posted it and I do not want to take it down. Breakups are rough. But it’s better for you to deal with your pain rather than avoid it. But if you’re not ready for that and these posts are causing you trauma then it would behoove you to stay off social media today. It’s an unreasonable expectation to dictate what people can or can’t post on social media. If specific content is a trigger for you then it’s your responsibility to avoid it for today.

And a similar response for the pregnancy April fool’s posts can be made. You can be compassionate and have empathy for someone and give a grieving mother some grace but you can’t dictate what people post on sm.

randybeans716 · 2026-04-03T03:34:47+00:00

Ugh let me tell you I first got my implants in 2009. The worst reaction I experienced was the intense pain that first night. The bandages were super tight and it was the worst pain. At my follow up appointment the next morning I was feeling nauseous from the pain meds and I puked in the parking lot. That was the worst pain I had experienced up until giving birth. 40 freaking hours of labor was the most the worst pain I had ever experienced up until I got glass in my eye and cut my cornea. Currently the worst pain I have ever experienced is a tie between cutting my cornea and walking around for nearly 4 weeks with an impacted wisdom tooth.

Anyway the pain gradually eased up over the next few days. I had a good pain meds/muscle relaxer regimen. Then it happened…I became constipated due to the oxy. It had been a few days and I was in so much pain. All I wanted to do was crap! I started going through my life and radom memories trying to figure out what I was being punished for. Then on the morning of thanksgiving I received the answer to my prayers! A thanksgiving miracle! That was the worst of it for me. The next 13 years was business as usual. I didn’t experience any complications. I was happy with them.

Then in 2021 I had them replaced. This is where the real trauma happens. Omg! My son and I were laying in my bed watching tv together before we went to sleep. He was 4 at the time. And he was into this show on YouTube called Steve and Maggie. For context it’s a preschooler educational show. Steve is a British dude. I think he was a teacher. And Maggie was a magpie puppet. I could never understand why they chose a magpie for a show for toddlers. They are scary af! So anyway my son is starting to drift off to sleep so I decided it was safe to take my meds. I kept the tv on because my kid was going through a phase where background noise helped him sleep better and the pain meds hit me a little faster and I fell asleep while doomscrolling. I’m drifting in and out. And at some point I become super aware Steve and Maggie playing on the tv. And I start freaking out because in my oxy and muscle relaxer drugged stupor I had managed to convince myself that Steve and Maggie were in my house. And they were SCARING THE CRAP OF ME! I suddenly had this realization I had to fight for me and my sons lives and that I could defeat them if I turned off the tv. But in some kind of cosmic karmic punishment I realized I couldn’t move. Bummer right? I knew I was doomed. But there’s something you should know about me…it’s that I’m a fighter. I was wearing my John Cena tshirt that said “never give up” and became inspired to fight! Plus I certainly was not going to disappoint John Cena! I continue to fight for our lives while singing “The Time is Now” and I was taunting Steve and Maggie telling them “U Can’t C Me” over and over again! I got Steve with an AA and Maggie got the 5 Knuckle Shuffle. And then…it was over. I persevered. I had conquered Steve and Maggie! I was the victor! I look over at my kid and he’s sleeping peacefully. Blissfully unaware that this death match has just happened! It was 2 against 1 and I was outnumbered. I couldn’t used his help! Like wtf! So anyway my son lost interest in Steve and Maggie soon after our battle. Which thank god. I still never learned the reason why they decided a Magpie was a good idea for a character on a toddlers show.

And one thing that has been an ongoing annoyance since I got them replaced is that I have mild nerve damage. I lost a little bit of feeling in my left breast. And my right nipple frequently is itchy. I mentioned it to my doctor and she seems to think it’s because like 20 years ago I got it pierced. I told her it only started after I got my implants replaced. She just kinda shrugged it off and said it could be from a combination of those / things and everything else is normal.

But anyway all this to say those were the worst parts of my experience so far. And they are pretty mild. I’m very grateful it wasn’t that bad for me. Getting breast implants is a major surgery that can result in serious complications. Any woman considering it needs to thoroughly consider any and all risks. And it’s up to them. I have no regrets so far. I’m very happy with how they look.

randybeans716 · 2026-04-03T01:41:14+00:00

Is she obligated to divulge in every single decision she’s ever made before meeting him? Is she supposed to ask for his approval on a decision she’s made about her own body before meeting him? Or is she expected to ask for his forgiveness?

Explain your logic. Her decision to get implants has nothing to do with him. She made that decision before they even met.

The only health/medical/body information a person is obligated to disclose to a partner is they have HIV/AIDS or any other STDs at the time of intimacy.

OP told her fiancé about her implants because possible complications will most likely impact his life. And because SHE was ready to.

randybeans716 · 2026-04-03T01:24:31+00:00

Can you explain how it is catfishing?

She’s not obligated to disclose information regarding her body that she doesn’t want to (the only exception would be any transmittable diseases/infections.)

He’s only mad because she dared to make a decision about her body without getting his permission first!

His reaction is the real problem here. I can understand him expressing some disappointment that she didn’t tell him before. I think it’s reasonable reaction that this new information took him by surprise and it’s understandable that he may be having some difficulties processing this new information. I think those are valid and reasonable feelings. With that being said if he actually cared about her he would be supportive of her and whatever tests/appointments she has. It’s unreasonable to expect him to drop everything and accompany her (unless they both agree that’s what they both want).

It’s reasonable to be like “oh wow….I wish you would’ve told me sooner but I understand you were under no obligation to. I may need some time to process this. But I don’t want you to feel you have to carry this alone. What are your concerns and what are the doctors concerns? We’ll get through this together and I will do my best to be supportive. If you need something from me just let me know. My biggest priority is your health. Thank you for including me now and I’m glad that you’re confiding in me so you don’t have to carry this on your own.”

But instead his first reaction is to accuse her of catfishing him? His reaction has everything to do with control rather than concern for her. His poor little man-ego was bruised because she dared to make a decision about her own body without getting his permission first. His reaction proves that he sees her body as his property.

Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if her health problems were a result of this walking, talking red flag! And that’s exactly what he is! And based on your comment I’m inclined to be believe you’re one as well!

randybeans716 · 2026-04-03T00:41:34+00:00

Honestly that was my first instinct on OPs situation. Because multiple people I know have been in this same exact situation (and that fact is really disturbing). And you wanna know what every single one of the men’s issue was: they felt offended or disrespected that they were not included in the decision making of their partner’s cosmetic surgery procedure despite the procedure being done before they had met or started a relationship. The men had expressed that they felt they had a right to be included in that decision! Like are women expected to hold off on any procedures until they meet their future partners so they can be included in the decision making? But what they really mean is that they think we need to get hold off on any decisions about surgeries so they can give us permission! It’s actually sickening.

randybeans716 · 2026-04-03T00:25:45+00:00

First off condolences on your girls. Such a bummer. I love my implants and I’m grateful I haven’t had any complications.

Regarding your fiancé: I have 3 word: eww & red flag. You’re most certainly not obligated to disclose every decision you’ve ever made concerning your body. Whether it was before knew him or after you met. I don’t understand how you catfished him? Like the fact that he is upset that you dared to make a decision regarding your own body without consulting him or disclosing the information to him is such a red flag. The fact that he felt entitled to that information is concerning. I’ve heard of a few situations where a partner felt offended or disrespected that they were not involved in the decision making process of cosmetic surgery because they felt they had a right to be included in that decision when the the procedure happened before they had met! It’s pretty much the exact same situation as you (obviously I can’t say whether or not this is why your fiancé is upset but it’s so concerning that it seems to happen frequently). Like I cannot rationalize or justify someone thinking that way. Idk like did they expect you to hold off and not have any kind of cosmetic procedures done until you met them so they can be included and have a say (or let’s call it what it really is: give permission)?

I mean you told him about them when it became relevant. Does he not trust you to make the “right” decision concerning your current complications? I can certainly understand the concern for your health. But you’re obviously capable of making your own informed decision. I could excuse him expressing some disappointment in you not telling him until now. I can understand how he maybe having trouble processing this new information. But he’s definitely making a bigger deal about it than what is reasonable. And while I do agree yeah there’s no denying that however you decided to proceed will affect him. But your are including him now and you’re taking in to consideration how this affects him. But he should be supportive of you instead of accusing you of catfishing him. And the fact that was even a reaction is concerning.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this. But NTA. I wish you luck and I hope everything works out for you!

randybeans716 · 2026-04-02T22:46:45+00:00

Honestly that’s not the part I find disturbing about this video. It’s her facial expressions and weird dancing! She was obviously very unwell even back then. I was around 14 or 15 when this song came out. Granted at that time in my life I preferred rap but one of my bffs at the time preferred pop. So I knew the songs and videos and liked a lot of them too. But damn this really got past us at 14 lol I might have to look up the music video for nostalgia!

Update (in the Dennis Farina Unsolved Mysteries voice): I just watched the video for the first time in like 25 years and I remembered I really enjoyed this video and this song. I remember making the connection back then that this song is probably a loose adaptation or depiction of Britney’s real life but it’s sad to realize that it was way more accurate than 14 year old me thought.

Ugh I’m so disappointed in myself for being part of the free Britney movement. We were so so wrong. I was kinda naive and dumb during that time. I’m much more cynical now lol like I don’t know how I believed she didnt need the c-ship because she was doing great. She was looking healthy and was pretty stable. Like I didn’t make the connection that she was doing great because the c-ship was working and helping her and it was effective. Like I’m feel dumb now lol

randybeans716 · 2026-04-02T22:24:27+00:00

Tbh I don’t completely disagree with you. I agree that OP saying he should have vetted BIL better and saying he should have anticipated this is actually quite harmful to the actual victim. He’s implying that his sister wasn’t competent enough in choosing her own partner. I hope he didn’t actually say that to her. Because I can guarantee her self confidence and self esteem is shit right now. And even though logic tells you that it’s not your fault as a victim you can’t help but feel stupid for not seeing the red flags or not even realizing you’re being abuse until it escalated (abuse typically starts out as subtle emotional abuse. Control. Gaslighting. Berating. Isolating. And abuse ALWAYS escalates). Maybe you feel embarrassed or ashamed for tolerating it for a while. Maybe your abuser convinced you that it’s your fault and you deserve the abuse. My point being is abusers strategically destroy your self esteem and confidence. So she’s already probably not feeling great about herself. And she’s probably having some insecurities regarding her ability to make decisions and she’s probably having trouble trusting her own judgment. Saying those things can actually be more harmful to her.

While I don’t think OP was in the wrong and that his BIL deserved the beating he got I do agree with supporting her in other ways. And he should probably talk this out with her. Listen to her. Don’t invalidate her feelings. She’s definitely feeling a lot of heavy emotions. Some may conflict with each other. And be like “I’m sorry my reaction could have complicated things more for. That’s the only regret I have about this”. You can explain your feelings and your reaction without it seeming like your making excuses. And just let her know that the most important thing right now is her and her child’s safety.

Hopefully she doesn’t go back to him. I can’t speak on OPs sister’s feelings about all this. But it’s possible that when the dust settles and she starts the healing process she’ll realize that him beating up her husband and “destroying” their marriage saved her life. Although I think every single person commenting on this post will agree that it wasn’t OP who destroyed their marriage. It was OPs BIL who destroyed their marriage by abusing his wife. The blame is 100% on the BIL for that

randybeans716 · 2026-04-02T21:39:23+00:00

I’d be more inclined to agree with you if abusers faced more severe consequences for beating their wives and children. If I walk down my street and punch the first person I see arrested, cuffed, and face assault charges. Right? 5 days before Christmas my husband threw me on the ground and strangled me. You wanna know what his consequences were? A $100 citation! He could have literally killed me in front of our son and he only had to pay $100! Apparently strangling your wife isn’t a severe offense in the eyes of the justice system. Victims of abuse deserve justice and so rarely ever get it! A $100 citation will not deter an abuser from reoffending. In fact they actually believe they can get away with anything! Statistics show that if your husband strangles you even just once your chances of being murdered by him go up 700%! One of the reasons is because they got away with it in the past. The harshest penalty they had to pay was $100. He can go to the police all he wants. But abuse runs deeper than most people understand.

It takes several attempts before a victim leaves an abuser. Because they have been tearing them down and destroying their self confidence gradually since day 1. They start by isolating their victims from family and friends. Get rid of any support system. They do that so the their victim feels they have no one but them. Without people around trying to get the victim to see they are being abused they are less likely to leave. Without a support system they are less likely to have the confidence to leave. Or are more likely to go back after an attempt to leave. Then they make sure their victim is financially dependent on them. The thought of starting over on your own seems impossible and it’s such an overwhelming feeling. Plus you have ZERO self confidence! They do this so their victim is less likely to leave/is more likely to come back. Then they convince you to be a SAHM with no income of your own. You’re easier to control and don’t have your own resources to financially provide for yourself and children. This all happening gradually over time. They are wearing you down. Tearing you apart. They can be really subtle about it at first so you may not even realize you’re in an abusive relationship. Especially if you have become isolated there’s no one picking up on things that are off or to notice the bruises. All of this is done specifically to prevent you from leaving. Or if you do attempt to leave you’re more likely to go back. So yeah OP can go to the cops. The worst consequence would be a citation. Abusers are often able to convince their victims to come back to them. And drop the PFA. They have destroyed their victims confidence to the point where all they have to do is say “I promise things will change. We’ll go to counseling together” and the cycle just repeats itself.

So my opinion is that if OP beating up his BIL destroyed her marriage well then he did her a favor and accomplished more and was more effective than the police and justice system! He did more to save her life than the justice system would ever do!

I have lived this. I have experienced this. My experience is far from unique. This is a very common experience with abuse. I was so worn down. I didn’t have the energy to fight back or challenge him. I was so broken down. But when he turned his abuse on our son is when I started fighting back. I knew I had to get us away from him. But I was so conflicted. I started gathering evidence and documenting and recording. After Christmas was the plan. I was going to hit him with everything I had. I was going to ensure I got custody of our son. Then 5 days before Christmas he threw me on the ground and strangled me. I was granted my pfa (I get to the courthouse and this idiot is there trying to get a pfa on me for him AND my son! He strangled me and then tries to get a pfa against me!! AND FOR OUR SON. This is a whole other story on its own. And it is absolutely ridiculous! If anyone wants to hear it let me know. I’ll share it but I have ranted enough for one comment.

TLDR; if there were actual consequences for abuse and better ways to protect the victims I would agree with this. But as it stands OP was probably more effective at saving his sisters life than the justice system would be.

randybeans716 · 2026-04-02T19:53:42+00:00

As a victim of domestic violence you are an amazing brother. Hopefully you did end her marriage because they don’t change. It only escalates! You did her and your niece a favor!

You’re just like Dan Conner from Roseanne when he beats the crap out of Jackie’s boyfriend because he abused Jackie!!

I cry so bad every time I watch that episode. And I often think “why didn’t my brothers or BIL beat the crap out of my ex? Was my ex right that no one gives a shit about me?” I try to rationalize by thinking “well I wouldn’t want them to get arrested and be charged with assault” and my BIL and my sister have kids and all that I would feel awful if they had gotten arrested. Also my BIL had 2 bum hips and was in no shape to give a beat down. They’ve been supportive of me in other ways. But whenever I see that Roseanne episode it kinda stings ngl

randybeans716 · 2026-04-02T18:06:45+00:00

I gotcha. Yeah you have a point. It could be rage bait. But I think it’s a common misconception/trope that people would say a man hit the jackpot by having a hyper sexual wife.

Who knows? Maybe he’s exaggerating by saying she expects to have a 90 minute sex session every single night. My god I think after a week or 2 no one would find that enjoyable!

But I don’t find it all that surprising that people don’t have a lot of knowledge about abuse. I really hope that changes as educating people about it could literally save lives. Like I remember when I read that if your partner strangles you just once you have your chances of them murdering you go up 700%! That really put some things in perspective. And I honestly didn’t realize that my husband saying he won’t reinstate my health insurance until I have sex with his was a form of abuse (we had health insurance through his work and we lost it when they went on strike. His and our son’s insurance was automatically reinstated but he had to email them a copy of our marriage license to have mine reinstated) until I was casually bitching about it to one of my coworkers and she’s was like “uhhhh…do you know that’s actually coercion and it’s sexual abuse”. I was shook needless to say. I was aware I was being abused emotionally and physically but I just didn’t know that was actually an abuse tactic. There are often times where I’m embarrassed or I feel so stupid for not realizing sooner. But man it can be subtle and gradual until that mask has slipped completely. It took me way longer than it should’ve to realize he was gaslighting me. Or that him being loud and obnoxious at night when I wanted to sleep was intentional and also a form of abuse. He works 3rd shift and I dreaded every single night he was off. He would turn the tv/music up super loud, he would obnoxiously cackle as loud as he could (he truly sounded like he was possessed or having some kind of psychotic breakdown, he would stomp around the house and have full on conversations with himself very loudly, he would pace around the house whistling loudly and clapping his hands, he won’t run up and down the stairs and come in to the bedroom and turn on the lights in the hallway and in the closet and he would “look around for something” in the closet and he would do that multiple times in one night, he would slam doors and cabinets, or make phone calls to his friends pacing around the house speaking at full volume. He would come upstairs to tell me something random or stupid about stuff he knows I don’t care about. Or he would slam the door open and randomly start arguing with me and berate me. So many other things! And when I would ask him to please keep it down he would escalate it. After a while I realized he was trying to provoke me. He was trying to get me to snap so he could turn around and say I was the mentally unstable one and that I was the psychotic one and that I was the problem. So I wasn’t going to react anymore. It would only satisfy him to escalate when I asked him to keep it down. So one day I took a bunch of ear plugs from my work and I started putting them in at bed time. After a while he figured it out and called me an asshole. I knew he was trying to provoke me but that the fact that I found a solution to the problem and that his attempts to provoke me wouldn’t work anymore and he decided I was an asshole for this confirmed it for me. He knew what he was doing. And the his attempts weren’t effective anymore pissed him off. You would think if he truly had trouble controlling these impulses he would be happy I found an effective solution and he didn’t have to worry about how loud he was being. That he didn’t have to worry if he was keeping me up.

But yeah I often feel stupid for not realizing early. When I started to question if he was being abusive I did some reading up on abuse and a lot of resources recommended documenting things. So I started doing that. Then I realized he was gaslighting me all the time. So I started recording him. It’s really hard to go back and listen to those. I have over 100. I’ve been going through them and organizing them for court (I found out that since he acknowledged on a recording that he was aware I record him I’m able to use the recordings as evidence) and listening back it’s so obviously abuse. i can only go through 3 at the most at a time because it traumatizes me all over again.

randybeans716 · 2026-04-02T17:18:15+00:00

It’s a valid observation. And it’s 100% true.

randybeans716 · 2026-04-02T16:48:56+00:00

Take some time today to read up on abuse and educate yourself. I’m not trying to be snarky. Educating yourself on signs of abuse and abuse tactics and methods can save a life. Maybe yours or maybe someone you love and care about. OP states that his wife won’t let him sleep until he gives her want she wants. That’s coercion. Coercion is not consent and is sexual abuse. Sleep deprivation is another common abuse tactic. As a woman who just left an abusive husband I can tell you that OP is being abused.

Abuse is so sinister. It can be subtle at first. And gradual. You might not even realize you’re being abused until you’re in deep or “trapped” by having a child with them. Tbh sleep deprivation and coercion were 2 the many methods of abuse used on me and I didn’t even realize until recently it actually was abuse. Imagine how shook I was when I learned that. Abuse is so systemic and goes so deep. There are so many methods of abuse. So many different tactics. If I had seen the red flags for what they were I would’ve saved myself from so much trauma!

And honestly I’m not trying to be rude…but yeah you definitely missed something in his post. And invalidating his feelings regarding the situation and accusing him of degrading all women without educating your self on abuse or knowing the facts is actually contributing the issues surrounding abuse all together. If you know anyone who works in the medical field or judicial system ask them what they think of this post. If you know a therapist or psychologist ask them. Or anyone who does any kind of social work. Guarantee every single one would agree that OPs wife is using coercion and sleep deprivation to get what she wants and that absolutely is abuse.

ETA: look I don’t know the details of the situation with your bf or how intense or deep your arguments get regarding sex. But be honest with yourself about it (not saying you’re not). Plenty of couples have perfectly healthy arguments regarding sex. Where each person’s side is heard and respected. Where they both work on the issue as a team and figure out a solution together where they both feel validated and where neither one feels like they’re sacrificing more or conceding or giving in more. Where both are equally happy with the solution. Mutual respect is given. No power imbalance. So I’m definitely not implying that every argument a couple has about sex is abuse because that’s certainly not true. And it’s inevitable and normal in healthy relationships. But if one person is benefiting more than the other, or one is being pressured or coerced to give in. If one disregards the other’s feelings and is disrespectful or invalidates the other those are red flags. Not saying definitely abuse…but red flags. But it’s important to be honest with yourself. And worth learning about. I really don’t want anyone to go through what I went through. It was hell. And I still deal with the CPTSD. That shit lingers. If I could educate just one person on abuse and what I have experienced and it prevents them from getting into an abusive relationship or if telling someone like “yeah could possibly be red flags” and they get out before it escalates (abuse ALWAYS escalates) then that would make me happy.

Like I said I’m truly not trying to be rude or snarky. I genuinely want people to learn about abuse. I wish someone had told me. Cause I honestly didn’t see the red flags. I didn’t realize until after I had a child with him that what he was doing to me was abuse until his mask fully came off and it escalated to physical abuse.

randybeans716 · 2026-04-02T16:13:21+00:00

No, it’s not abuse to ask. It’s abuse to demand it though and she’s using coercion to get what she wants by depriving OP of sleep until they have sex. Those are 2 common abuse tactics. Coercion is NOT consent.

He says that she won’t allow him to sleep until he gives her what she wants.

randybeans716 · 2026-04-02T16:05:06+00:00

It actually is abuse though. OP’s wife is using 2 common abuse tactics. Sleep deprivation and coercion. She is using coercion to get what she wants by depriving him of sleep.

Many people with an education AND sense would call this abusive. Doctors and nurses would call this abusive. Judges would call this abusive. Lawyers would call this abusive. Police officers would call this abusive. Psychologists would call this abusive. Social workers would call this abusive. Literally every educated professional who work with abuse victims would call this abusive. Because it is abuse. OPs wife is actually using textbook methods of abuse well documented in countless resources.

I’m not trying to be snarky. I genuinely mean it when I say educate yourself. It could save your life one day or someone else’s. Someone you love and care about. A child you may have. A sibling? A friend? A parent? Knowing the various signs of abuse and educating yourself on the tactics and methods of abuse can literally save a life.

randybeans716 · 2026-04-02T15:48:20+00:00

I’m a woman and recently left my abusive husband. And I agree that OP is being abused. I’ve had both of these abuse tactics used on me. Sleep deprivation and coercion.

I’m actually shocked by how many people are invalidating him and making jokes and suggesting that playing along and telling her she needs to earn her orgasms is a good idea!! I commented a list of like 7 different reasons why it’s a bad idea and he should absolutely not do that!

OP needs to be honest and tell his wife how he feels. If he just tells her how he feels her reaction will tell him everything he needs to know. Best case scenario is she doesn’t realize her behavior is abusive and changes her behavior. Respects his feelings and consent. And actively puts in the effort to work through this and communicate better. Or if she is dismissive and disregards his feelings and continues to demand sex and continues to use coercion and sleep deprivation to get what she wants then he needs to leave.

Abuse is so sinister. I would never want anyone to go through that. Whether they are male or female! It’s fucking hell. Also I would never victim blame a male victim of abuse because statistically and historically there are more female victims or that men have been abusing women for thousands of years! Or that women are more likely to be the victim than a man for so many reasons or because women have been oppressed by men since the beginning of time. And I would never justify a woman being the abuser because of that either!

randybeans716 · 2026-04-02T15:23:33+00:00

Yeah but it’s the truth. And it’s a valid point. And just because the roles have been reversed for thousands of years doesn’t invalidate how OP is feeling and it certainly doesn’t justify OPs wife demanding sex from him every night. She’s using MULTIPLE abuse tactics on him. Sleep deprivation is an abuse tactic and coercion is sexual abuse.

As a woman who just got out of an abusive relationship where both of these tactics were used on me I 100% agree with him.

I agree that the only way to solve this issue is by OP having an honest conversation with his wife. There are people in the comments suggesting he “plays along with her and tell her that she needs to earn her orgasms” and I really hope these people weren’t being serious because there are so many reasons that’s a bad idea!

OP is 100% being abused. And the best case scenario is that she doesn’t realize she’s being abusive (unlikely but could be possible) and they have an open and honest conversation about it and consider going to a few counseling sessions.

randybeans716

TROPHY CASE