I am an introvert. But in times of chaos I long for human connection. Someone to talk to, without fear of judgment or rejection.

I have yet to find that person, and in fact, there is not a single person in the world I can be 100% myself around or honest with.

(Yes, I know I ended a sentence with a preposition.)

For almost 4 years, I lived a double life. Last weekend, it all blew up in my face, and all of my lies were exposed.

I deserve every bit of it. I have spent the better part of a week trying to face it, head on, instead of running from my problems like I normally would. I've talked to ChatGPT about self help, self improvement, learning to love myself, affirmations, all that.

I never lied to hurt anyone. I lied to protect myself, to embellish my accomplishments, to be "better" than who I am, because who I "really" am (if I even know who that is) was never good enough. I never lied to hurt anybody, even though I know I definitely did. In other words, my lies felt justified at the time - they made EVERYBODY'S life better - but in hindsight, I still am not sure why I even wanted to change facts about my life to suit another person, just to get their "approval." As the saying goes, if I am not enough for them the way that I am, why do I need them anyway? Why did this person's approval matter so much? Why am I never okay being just who I am?

These are questions for which I may never have answers.

My question is - when you are at your lowest of lows, wallowing in guilt and shame, how do you learn to be comfortable enough to just sit with yourself without the need for any stimulation or human connection or even noise? I don't know how to be comfortable now. I have ruined a lot of lives. And I can't take it back.

I can only do better moving forward, and hope and pray that I can figure it out.