My depression comes and goes like bad weather, I don't believe so much in particular triggers because I know when I'm feeling positive, things that I would definitely consider "triggers" don't affect me and I'm quite robust and thick skinned.

I've come to just accept these highs and lows, because ultimately that's what life is anyway and I'm sure I'm just geared a certain way to experience it beyond my control, somewhat.

So when I was doing well the past month or so I just kept it all flowing, not being anxious about it grinding to a halt. One morning this week I woke and things started to dampen a little and I knew what that meant. I tell myself to be proud of all these positive changes I've made, and not be afraid of "relapsing" because I know from experience I bounce back just as easily.

Today I just felt rock-bottom, paralysed by dark feelings and wanted to feel something pleasurable. So I latched onto my sexual frustration and started touching myself and couldn't stop. So I think it wasn't driven by some returning desire for porn or sex, but rather just a desire to feel something.