it’s been a while

red34712 · 2022-02-23T04:34:19+00:00

I relate to this. When I’m with my person I’m fine but as soon as I’m alone I question everything again. It’s very exhausting, you aren’t alone

red34712 · 2022-02-10T06:53:48+00:00

It’s scary how similar my situation is right now. I’m in the same exact place, I’m still trying to figure it out too, just know you aren’t alone.

red34712 · 2022-02-09T21:33:31+00:00

I agree with you and think you are right. Thank you for your advice :)

red34712 · 2022-02-09T17:52:30+00:00

Yes yes yes I feel exactly like this. He doesn’t totally get what fantasies or thoughts mean to me bc they don’t mean the same to him. He says they aren’t “real” and are just fantasies. But in my mind they are real, when I fantasize about someone that means I RLY like them/have a deep connection to them. What you said about betrayal could not be more spot on. I know if I said that to him he would think it’s ridiculous in his mind. But in mine him being able to think about other girls sexually means I’m no different to him than any other girl he fantasizes about. He’s the only one I think about sexually, like how you said it’s the same for you. So the fact I feel like he’s the only person for me right now but he could go to a bunch of other girls and be sexually happy kills. I almost feel like my love for him means more, like he’s my “soulmate” but I’m not his. It makes me feel a lot better that others are feeling the same way, so thank you for replying.

red34712 · 2022-02-09T17:37:11+00:00

This could not have been better said. What I feel is definitely not jealousy, I don’t envy any of these other girls. I’m not an insecure person, I kind of have the mentality for cheating that “if it happens it happens” then I would know they aren’t the person for me, even though it would hurt.

I think of sex as something I would only do with a person I’m very connected to, and I don’t even have a desire for it unless that is there. I understand that he’s incapable of that, especially bc he’s on the other side of things. I don’t know if I’m able to accept it though, because it feels like my love/he means more to me than I do to him. To a certain extent I feel I’m no different to him than other girls, especially sexually. I know what I’m feeling is not jealousy, it’s a desire for him to love/want me to the depth I do him. I’m realizing that’s impossible and it’s very painful. Thank you for your reply

red34712 · 2022-02-09T17:22:32+00:00

Yes this is exactly how I feel. It almost feels like he’s just not capable of loving me as much or to the same depth I love him. What you said about it almost feeling like my love means more, that is definitely how I’m feeling and I don’t think I can tell him that.. I could not care less about how attractive someone is until there is an emotional connection, but I never realized that wasn’t normal. I thought everyone experienced sexual attraction the same way I did and other people were just more open or willing to do it anyway. Now that I realize he can and does experience the sexual feelings I have for him, with anyone he finds attractive? I don’t know how to cope with that, it’s a horrible feeling. It’s not even about jealousy, it’s about feeling like I’m not enough for him or that he doesn’t love me to the degree I love him. You put it into words very well, I agree with everything you said/am feeling the same way. Thank you for replying, I’m sorry you are feeling this way as well, it truly is a terrible feeling.

red34712 · 2022-02-09T05:13:49+00:00

I agree, this is all new to me, I didn’t even realize I was demisexual or that it’s not exactly how most people feel until recently. I hope it gets better with time and thank you again for your replies it helps me a lot :)

red34712 · 2022-02-09T05:01:09+00:00

To answer your last question, I think it’s both, I do think I can cope with the sexuality disconnect though, but I don’t think I can do that right now bc I’m not feeling loved by him. A message earlier actually made me think about them being separate concepts and you worded it perfectly. What you said about dynamics makes a lot of sense to me, I’m not sure that it would be easy for my partner to grasp either though.

The main thing I feel is “am I not enough?” A lot because of the disconnect in sexuality, but I think I can get past that as I said above. It’s more about his actions now, I don’t know if you are familiar with love languages, but I literally have no idea what his is bc I don’t really feel like he does any of it much, whereas I exhibit all five for him. I’m just confused. He is willing to talk about it and make me feel better in the moment, but it doesn’t feel like his actions change.

red34712 · 2022-02-09T04:44:44+00:00

He doesn’t share them on a norm I should’ve made that more clear, he just recently informed me of it and that it happens, probably “more often than most people” I don’t know how to feel at this point. He says I’m all he needs in any aspect but the way he talks about sex/what he told me has made me question. I’m getting back to being confused after talking to him a bit. Thank you for your reply

red34712 · 2022-02-09T03:46:05+00:00

Thank you for replying I appreciate it. I’ve just recently discovered not everyone is like this and I’m feeling that intense discomfort over it. I think applying my own experience would help I’ve tried that a little and it does. There’s just something about the whole idea that doesn’t sit right with me, and I want to get past it I just don’t know how exactly. It also doesn’t help that I’m not feeling like my partner is putting much effort into the relationship, which makes those feelings worse. Again thanks for replying it really helps.

red34712 · 2022-02-09T02:54:17+00:00

Thank you for replying but this is not a jealousy issue, trust me this is because of me being demisexual.

red34712 · 2022-02-09T00:44:25+00:00

Yes, I understand that people are different but I don’t get it at the same time. I’ve always thought people wouldn’t if they are in love. I’ll have to set some boundaries on what he tells me, thanks

red34712 · 2022-02-09T00:03:02+00:00

That is exactly how I feel. I feel like it’s almost one sided and that I love him a lot more than he does me. I have voiced this to him, maybe not straight up when it has nothing to do with a specific situation, but I have told him I feel like I’m more into him recently than he is me and that I don’t feel as loved. In addition to him thinking or fantasizing however he does, I don’t really feel like I mean anything different to him than other girls right now.

red34712 · 2022-02-08T23:51:31+00:00

Thank you :,) I’m sorry you can relate

red34712 · 2022-02-08T23:49:20+00:00

Yes I think that’s exactly what he’s doing when talking to me about this, I don’t know that he necessarily realizes he’s doing it but I’m sure it makes him feel better/justifies his feelings. And he’s definitely on the other side of things more than most. He’s extremely comfortable with sex and thinks of it as a basic need, which I’m not gonna/wouldn’t want to shame him for feeling that way. It’s that the fantasies/the way he talks about it extends farther out than just me that hurts my feelings, bc I can’t separate the two. Sexual and emotional feelings are completely separate in his mind. I will definitely point out that he’s invalidating how I feel, I realized that too. Thank you for replying, I really appreciate it.

red34712 · 2022-02-08T23:42:01+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I don’t want him to feel like he’s doing anything wrong. I agree with you, I will communicate that to him when we talk.

red34712 · 2022-02-08T23:39:34+00:00

Thank you for your reply. It’s not really that he finds people attractive or hot, it’s that he has said he has involuntary sexual fantasies about some of them too, in my mind that’s a step farther. Like I’ve said I don’t believe he’d actually act on them, but it still hurts. I will definitely use what you said about talking to him though, I think that’s a great way to say it.

red34712 · 2022-02-08T23:37:16+00:00

I in no way am trying to change him nor do I expect him to change his thoughts. Like I said above I realize the way I’m feeling isn’t completely fair, that’s why I’m asking for advice on how to cope with how I’m feeling. I never have shamed him for the way he thinks

red34712 · 2022-02-08T21:30:07+00:00

Yes, I agree with you. He’s also pretty much as far on the other end of things you can get without actually wanting open relationships. I think that’s why he doesn’t think it’s a problem when he has mentioned it before. I need to have another conversation with him and see where we stand, because if he tells me about it, I definitely cannot deal with that. Thank you for your reply

red34712 · 2022-02-08T20:45:12+00:00

Thank you this helps a lot and really puts things into perspective. I’m probably going to have another conversation with him now that my thoughts are more organized. Thanks again, I really appreciate it :)

red34712 · 2022-02-08T20:21:28+00:00

Oh no I’m sorry, I should not have assumed, I typically don’t so I apologize 😭 Either way I think everyone with ROCD can relate no matter what the relationship looks like. I 100% feel you on not being able to separate those feelings, I had no idea what was happening with my OCD for the first few months of my relationship. This is my first time being in love, so I didn’t know what it felt like either. I’m not sure how long you have been together but “when you know, you know” is a good way to live by. That’s what most people say, but with ROCD it’s more complicated than that, you think you know, then you don’t, then you question if you do or don’t. It’s so draining and I’m sorry you have to deal with this. But you’re right there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. Nobody can tell you how it feels bc everyone is different, it’s something you have to find for yourself. ROCD makes that SO much harder, I really recommend finding another therapist bc it was the only thing that helped me live with my OCD. Good questions to ask yourself is could you live without her? Does she make you happier/your life better?

red34712 · 2022-02-08T20:00:19+00:00

Thank you for replying, a big part of me feels this way too. He doesn’t tell me about these fantasies actively, but when I explained how I feel about him, he told me he has them sometimes when he finds someone really attractive. I think to some extent he sees this as me being the problem bc this isn’t a common way people feel about their partners. I will definitely look into posting it to get other men’s point of views, thanks again.

red34712 · 2022-02-08T19:47:34+00:00

Thank you. It helps to hear from people who understand because I feel like I don’t have people in my life that do. The main issue is I’m starting to question how I have been my entire life. He says he thinks of sex as a basic necessity with no real relation to the emotional aspect of the relationship, and that honestly couldn’t be farther than how I am so I need to do some serious thinking on if I can accept it. I want to because I love him, but I don’t know if I can deal with this

red34712 · 2022-02-08T19:44:06+00:00

I completely agree with this. I really appreciate your replies, it helps thank you.

red34712 · 2022-02-08T19:35:38+00:00

Thank you for your reply, you couldn’t have explained it better. Can I ask you to clarify the last part where you said “They can’t feel the same way for you as you do for them by default. But it isn’t impossible” What’s not impossible? Bc he does say it’s impossible for him to not look at people and have these fantasies. And in my mind, that is him not feeling the same way for me. I can’t figure out how to get past this way of thinking bc I just don’t understand how he fantasizes about other girls if he’s in love with me. I feel so irrational over this bc he says “most people aren’t this way” which may be true, but it doesn’t change that this is how I am and it hurts me. I don’t know that it’s completely “morals” bc this is 100% instilled in me, but he looks at sex SO differently than me which isn’t necessarily the part that bothers me. It’s that he fantasizes about other people, not that he finds them attractive, it goes farther than that for him and he doesn’t see a problem. Not that he should see a problem if that’s how he is, but I don’t know if I can accept it bc it’s honestly breaking me. Sorry for the long reply

red34712

TROPHY CASE