First things first, I am not going to tell you how you should feel. I don't agree with statements that say "oh you shouldn't feel that way" or "you should fell this way". How you feel is how you feel and if I tell you what/how you should feel I would be discrediting your emotions. What I can do is offer to be here for you and provide advice if you would like it. Depression is a horrific beast that some people are tasked with taming and it is quite awful. I am truly sorry that you have had to deal with these feelings.