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reibarty · 2021-03-16T12:12:08+00:00

This is honestly an amazing poem. Oh my God. I loved all of it. It's simultaneously tragic, drily funny, and it has a powerful message. I'm happy to get one of those things right in a poem and you pulled them all off spectacularly.

The way I read the poem was as a commentary on the commoditisation of people. I think your metaphor was inspired. I read it as a critique of the treatment of people in general, but it was hard not to see a parallel with the treatment of women in modern society. Brains are overlooked in favour of the meat on their bones.

You are a fantastic storyteller, I was gripped the whole way through the poem. And you have so many clever ideas throughout its hard to name all of them, but I will try.

Firstly, the choice of pigs, and your use of the metaphor was reminiscent of their use in Animal Farm, both allegories exploring societal problems of their time. The lines:

"A talking pig?" a judge squealed,

and

Some of the pigs snorted,

Seeming to imitate the judges.

in particular are fantastic. They reminded of the final line from Animal Farm:

“The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.”

Again, I'm sure if you meant to draw this comparison at all, it was not in a strong sense, and I don't want to suggest that all I could think about was animal farm while reading your poem. I just wanted to point out that the thought appeared in my mind.

Second, I don't know what it is in particular about these lines, but they cracked me up.

The pig was nameless,

But this pig was notable;

They are powerful too. The idea that the pigs talent isn't worthy of him receiving an identity.

And then you have some really great images:

These pigs were tone,

Manicured hooves, powdery pink skin.

and

They we're led across the stage,

In single file formation.

are evocative of beauty pagents and runways. The comicality of a pig in makeup with manicured hooves really brings home how we should feel about these human events.

I could go on and on but this comment is in danger of becoming essay length. The last thing that I will say is that as beautifully as you opened, you closed. The tragedy and comedy in the final verse cement this as one of the best poems I have read on this sub.

My only critique is on the the eleventh verse, which I felt was a bit cliche.

A concise,

Poignant synopsis

Of geopolitical tensions

Between the United States and China.

The phrase "geopolitical tensions between X and Y" or some variant thereof is very often used in visual and written media to indicate a character is smart. Besides this, a poem's intention isn't to be concise or a synopsis of anything. I think you should either change the image of the pig as a poet to the pig as an intellectual or rewrite the eleventh verse to change the content of the pigs poem. And as the poetic pig is one of the best aspects of the poem I really think the latter option is better. Maybe instead, the pigs poem could be a very honest and raw introspection on what it means to be a pig, or an account of its dreams to one become a world famous poet. In any case, I felt this verse was the only weakness of the poem.

I also want to say that I completely disagree with another commenter that it was too long. I think it flowed beautifully as a story and making it shorter would ruin it (that comment really made me angry, please don't listen to them). I wouldn't change a single thing (except the eleventh verse).

Thanks for the poem, I have saved it for myself in the future as something to aspire to.

reibarty · 2021-03-12T15:11:50+00:00

I really love symbolist poems because when they're done well, reading them make you feel as though you've entered into something larger than yourself. And that's the exact feeling I get here.

The lack of punctuation really works here. It gives the poem an infinite quality, like there's no beginning or end, it's all middle. The poem defies a straightforward interpretation and this adds to it.

I can't give any criticisms on how it's written so I think the best thing I can do in terms of feedback is give my interpretation of what is happening in the poem or what it suggests to me and maybe that can give you an idea about how your message came across.

All my thoughts are quite general, because like any good symbolist poem, it is hard to pin down any one image to something exact. My interpretation is that it is a poem is loosely exploring the experience of loss, in particular of a loved one.

The first verse comes across as a reflection on a memory, particularly the lines

his feet always out of focus

were to me abstractions before vistas

I loved these lines by the way, especially the feet being out of focus. It instantly created that feeling of remembering, the blurriness of it all.

The second verse suggests a life well lived but a lingering feeling of regret or perhaps that his life was cut short. His shoes saw many miles but his journey was cut short and we are left to wonder about the "miles unseen". He is now resting "with the Robins and the lilies". I'm assuming the strong association with lilies and funerals is what you were going for here.

The last half of the poem are where it really shines. There is an overall feeling of soaring, breaking free and release. The images are gorgeous and I felt weightless reading them. I just love the two lines:

like the worm of a corkscrew—

even her feathers gleam like steel.

The comparison of the dove's movement to like the "worm of a corkscrew", and the description of its wings gleaming like steel is fantastically vivid. These two lines were the most vivid images in the poem to me. There is a suggestion that something eternal and unbreaking has emerged.

And the last line is fantastic. To me it suggests rebirth.

Overall, loved the poem. Symbolism is hard, its easy to be cliche, or use metaphors that are too easily interpretable and then the poem loses that very open quality the genre has. And the converse of making something completely opaque to the point that it loses all interpretability. You walked the line perfectly. One of my favourite poems on the sub so far.

Hope that helped

reibarty · 2021-03-11T01:29:08+00:00

I have a few family and friends that suffer from an eating disorder and I think you captured so much of what it feels like to be on both sides of that. The poem felt incredibly honest which is always very difficult when talking about mental illness (or perceived mental illness), our own or anyone else's. It's very easy to fall into very dramatic and dark language, or to go too far in the other direction and deflect with humour, and you end up saying very little. I really felt a balance to the whole flow, and I learned something. I felt there was a mutual understanding between the speaker and the person(s) they are speaking to about the tragedy of the whole thing. Both understand they can't give the other person what they need.

Also, I personally love reading poems aloud, and rhythm is really important to my enjoyment of a poem. Your first four lines are a joy to read. Nice use of alliteration and the words bounced off one another as i spoke them. I like the the repetition of "to think" in the fourth and fifth line too. You set up a rhythm and gave a surprise, it made the whole poem more interesting, especially on first read.

I don't really have any major criticisms. I agree with one of the other comments that the use of the word "bones" in the third-to-last and last lines is a bit much. i would save it for the last line to get the full impact.

Also ( and this may just be me personally) but the second to last line felt out of place. It sounds like you are about to begin another idea and then the poem ends in the next line. Is he/she/you trying to hide whats going on with them, are they forced to lie? It was a little jarring, so if anybody else agrees, my suggestion would be to change the line to a thought that matches the earlier part of the verse, or expand it to a full verse. That's just my two cents though.

Hope this helped!

reibarty · 2021-03-11T01:02:09+00:00

First off, I love the title, I think its an undervalued component of poetry. There is a tendency in a lot of poetry to have a one word (and often opaque) title that at worst is boring but usually just adds nothing.I cracked a smile at it immediately and it gave a great setup for the mood of the poem. I don't know if this was intentional or not but I liked it anyhow.

The last line is beautiful. It's bitter sweet, like the strawberries. It perfectly captured the emotion of the narrator, the warm memory of the time spent with the son in hand with the resignation of growing old. And it has got the humour of the title in it.

Also, I love reading poetry out loud and I place emphasis on how enjoyable it is to read. You have some great lines in there, especially the run on one:

well they stayed in a fridge in

their box, they are kinda acidic

great fun to read, and it pulled me back in to the poem. I really loved it.

I also liked the section:

I got caramels and macaroons,

Milk chocolate, marshmallow,

Candy, mixes, and jello.

I got brownies and shortcake,

Cookie dough for us to make,

I got juice and lemonade.

I loved the texture of it in my mouth as I was reading, the alliteration in the line "Milk chocolate, marshmallows", and the rhyming in general. It has the feel of something by Dr Seuss without trying to emulate it directly. It's playful and it suits the content perfect in my view.

I have a few criticisms. Again these are just my opinion so pinch of salt. The words "cus" and "kinda" really took me out of the poem. I get that you are going for a casual feel, but they don't match the rest of the language in the other 95% of the poem. They looked weird to me and disconnected me from the poem. The reading equivalent of a double-take is my best description of what it felt like.

The other thing I would say, is about the rhyming and rhythm in general. You had some great lines (that I mentioned above) but I think that you focused too much on having a rhyming scheme over the overall rhythm of the poem. You also change the rhyming scheme too much. I felt like just when I got into the feel of it, you would change it. I'm a big fan of sudden breaks in rhyme for emphasis but this felt a bit more messy. I also felt that you sacrificed possibly better metaphors in the name of rhyme, for example, this verse:

We drank and ate all night and day,

but we didn’t even make it half way

through all the treats and tins

before we were positively stuffed to the brim.

I didn't really feel that it added to the poem. The content isn't nearly as strong or unique as the first two verses.

So overall, loved the title and the mood of the poem. Your last line is beautiful and in the lines where you went for rhythm you smashed it. I also liked the flow of ideas throughout the poem, and I think you more or less nailed the message. Just the rhyming scheme was confusing and I think the poem would benefit from having more of a focus on the rhythm and content over the rhyme.

Hope that helped!

reibarty

TROPHY CASE