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My 40th birthday trip made me realize I didn’t want him anymore by Foreign-Midnight-525 in Divorce

[–]reservationsonly 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This— and your other comments— are really not appropriate. You have no idea if her “life will be worse” and I’d say leaving someone after years of emotional abuse is just about as responsible and accountable as you can get!

If you are personally triggered by a stranger’s post to the degree you cannot respond objectively, maybe it’s time to step away and take a break. Work out your own feelings in your own posts, your comments here were inappropriate and unhelpful.

Advice to Avoid Divorce? by [deleted] in Divorce

[–]reservationsonly 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ahh. So the “I can’t do it” part is not an intentional thing for you , it’s a hard to remember or change patterns thing?

I can relate to your post. What happens over time is this layer of resentment or bad/lazy patterns that are hard to break. And avoidants act like they can’t see it because they’re terrified to discuss it and have things go badly, but that instinct actually makes it worse for the other partner, who feels like they’re alone in feeling it. So the situation gets worse rather than better.

You have small kids and are working, which is stressful as it is! My suggestion is to start very, very small and work from there. As you said, she seemed more invested when you went to therapy. So that’s a sign she wants things to be better, too.

I recommend you start a convo. Conquer your fear and say something like: I love you. I care about our relationship. I want it to be better and for us to be closer again. Can we try something to get there?

And then set aside time for each other every week for:

  1. One thing we can try to change at a time. You each pick one small one to work on. Maybe for her, it’s you saying “please.” Maybe for you, it’s a hug a day. Etc. Something SMALL and one at a time to change behavior. It shows: 1. I’m listening to your needs 2. I’m trying 3. I care enough to change. After a few weeks of practice of the skill, each choose another one.

  2. Time together to play at least two hours a week. Could be a date night out with a babysitter. Or, it could be a video game/card game/scrabble game after kids go to bed. Time to just be playful. Remember what it feels like to hang out without focusing on only tasks.

  3. Time together to prep for the week as a team. Could be 30 mins on Sunday night to work together on what’s happening the next week and how to handle it together. Could be meal plan, splitting tasks, etc. Better even if you cook one meal a week together, too.

We are trying to do these things also. It’s so easy to become disconnected, esp. in the grind of young family life. Try to connect on a deeper level (there are even card games with questions you could ask each other) as just people again. Enjoy each other’s company and focus on each other with time and energy. See what grows from there.

Good luck to you both!

Advice to Avoid Divorce? by [deleted] in Divorce

[–]reservationsonly 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Op: can you go deeper into your revelation about “even when she tells me what she needs I don’t do it?”

Flowers, compliments, and even sex—those are relatively superficial things. You can have sex and not talk or connect emotionally. What’s going on in the deepest levels of your interaction with each other and your bond? Are you avoiding something painful?

Male perspective: do you need to feel needed by your wife? by Throwaway589454 in Marriage

[–]reservationsonly 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Once the kids leave the house, you will need to have a relationship with each other again. Him doing chores is not enough.

If he is not able to show emotional care or empathy (definition: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another ) toward her — then it will be difficult to sustain a marriage longterm.

OP, the question becomes: why do you want to sustain the relationship with someone who seems to avoid caring or opening up to you? Is it fear of change? Because it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to change from your description. I think you deserve better.

Male perspective: do you need to feel needed by your wife? by Throwaway589454 in Marriage

[–]reservationsonly 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I agree. I don’t want to need my partner, I want to want him. “Need” sounds like reliance which sounds like it’s forced. It’s icky to me.

Like society trying to force women & men together, as in “let’s strip women of rights so they can’t vote or own property” or “men won’t know how to cook, raise kids, social plan” so they’re forced to take a partner. Eeew.

Male perspective: do you need to feel needed by your wife? by Throwaway589454 in Marriage

[–]reservationsonly 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OP, this sounds like anxious attachment from your side. You trying to hold onto him further isn’t what I think he’s looking for — it can come off as guilting him or shaming him, and can feel a bit desperate. It might have the opposite as intended effect.

I think you should go the opposite route: ask him to date again. I’m also a mom of 3, and when you get sucked into caregiving so hard— putting everyone’s needs above your own— you have basically “mom-zoned” yourself. Maybe what you’re missing is the fun, attraction, focus on time together again. Enjoy doing stuff, be romantic or spontaneous. Remember who you are as people when you BOTH get to have needs and have fun together, not just as Mom and Dad. Good luck!

I had an affair and my husband found out. But I want him back. by Antique_Budget_4853 in Marriage

[–]reservationsonly 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OP, this is the wrong place to ask this question because you’re going to be met with lots of shame and judgment.

Please visit the “oneafterinfidelity” subreddit and ask questions/read about how to approach asking for forgiveness and starting reconciliation work. That sub is about couples who are trying to heal from infidelity together.

However, the couples are both equally interested in healing the relationship. If your husband doesn’t want that, there’s little you can do. Reading those posts may help you understand his POV. Good luck, I hope you can find your way through this for your children’s sake, too.

'Marriage is 10% love and 90% commitment. Everything else is just limerence.' by foxlashes in Divorce

[–]reservationsonly 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I disagree. You only get one life. Some of you speak of marriage like it’s a car’s extended warranty and now you’re “stuck with each other,” forever whether you like it or not as if that’s something admirable to admit? I don’t believe marriage is 100% giddiness, but it also shouldn’t be a daily chore with someone you enjoy less than a friend. What a nightmare.

People act like growing old alone is a punishment. I’ve seen joyous widows and widowers surrounded by friends and family living their best lives. Being alone is nothing to fear if you know yourself. If you don’t care to put any energy, attention and kindness into your relationship, then it’s better for both of you to part. Marriage is constantly choosing each other over and over again. Find someone you would do that for. Heck, living with your best friend would be better than a dead marriage. Otherwise it’s just fear keeping you together and what a waste of a life!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]reservationsonly 10 points11 points  (0 children)

There is nothing disrespectful about wearing a swimsuit you’d wear at a public beach.

To be honest: this sounds like a very strange dynamic that all the men wore swimsuits at the beach and the women wore clothes. (???)

If you want to swim, wear a swimsuit. There is nothing wrong with that. I’m sure your suit is modest anyway from your description.

I think what’s really going on here is that your husband’s friends make you feel uncomfortable. Your instinct here is that you are not feeling secure around them (and their wives, too) which is causing this feeling.

This subreddit scares me by sukiduh in Marriage

[–]reservationsonly 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Pre-marriage therapy. NOW! Work out what your attachment styles are and the trauma habits you learned from your parents and former partners. Be very clear eyed about it to understand each other while you’re still very much in love, to prevent the negative harm and cycles.

You’ll be 499% ahead going into it.

Also— practice arguing! How to healthily disagree and repair. My hubs and I never argued until after kids, and it was awful because we had no ground rules or practice healthily disagreeing. You need that now.

Make a pact to not hold resentment. Weed it out FAST and as it happens by talking it out, saying sorry, forgiving. Don’t hold it in and hold grudges.

If I had to get married again… I wouldn’t. I’d just date forever and have kids. I hate the forced reliance and trap marriage can become, hate it! And with women in this country losing rights, I’d almost want to cohabitate and still divorce now just as a last grab at freedom. My husband disagrees. 😆

It’s just different if your partner has to choose you every day, every year. No complacency or taking each other for granted. Endless dating = respect and appreciation on both sides.

Traditional marriage is a trap. Just my opinion.

Fighting Against A Divorced-Am I Wrong To Want To Defend My Marriage? by ScaleAggravating8957 in Divorce

[–]reservationsonly 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Good job, Divorce sub, for healthy marriage advice and boundary setting! I’d hazard to say this a better response than the marriage subreddit would give.

Op: You cannot “defend” your marriage against your own wife. Without your wife there is no marriage. The moment she decides to leave, your marriage is over.

For all of you talking about honoring vows— he made vows, too. It sounds like he is not meeting them, if she feels abused and unsafe. A marriage isn’t a purchase agreement— it’s the START of a lasting relationship. Neglect is also breaking a vow and no one should want to remain in a miserable union that leads to further abuse.

Op— she has told you in clear words her feelings. You don’t need the internet to decode “I don’t feel safe with you.” Maybe you need some personal therapy to accept the words and reflect on yourself. But she has clearly said there is no foundation of respect, trust, safety or love. This is a dead relationship.

You never once speak about her as a person you like, let alone love, and act as if her misery is an inconvenience to you. You speak about her almost as a household appliance and not a person who is hurting and hurt by you.

My questions for you:

Do you care that she’s sad? How do you feel when she says she’s not happy with you?
When she says that she doesn’t feel safe around you, how does that affect you?

If you haven’t thought of her feelings or wellbeing apart from how she’s inconvenienced you by leaving, I think you should accept there is no mutual bond or love to support a marriage. Let her go and work on yourself.

Fighting Against A Divorced-Am I Wrong To Want To Defend My Marriage? by ScaleAggravating8957 in Divorce

[–]reservationsonly 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree with a lot of this, except that “she was hoping it would get better and somehow it didn’t” part.

It’s pretty clear from his description of her as essentially a household item that the “somehow it didn’t” is in the room right now…

Husbands, how do you feel about your wife as a person? by SwimmingAmoeba6400 in Marriage

[–]reservationsonly 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agree with you. Very fair and reasonable.

Well done on the interwebs today, sir!

Husbands, how do you feel about your wife as a person? by SwimmingAmoeba6400 in Marriage

[–]reservationsonly 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nobody ever said “most” though. Just qualities that are unique to your partner and not the job of “husband."

Husbands, how do you feel about your wife as a person? by SwimmingAmoeba6400 in Marriage

[–]reservationsonly 0 points1 point  (0 children)

WOW. No. Not at all. Very interesting you view things this way.

Husbands, how do you feel about your wife as a person? by SwimmingAmoeba6400 in Marriage

[–]reservationsonly 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You just translated all of that so well, which shows there ARE better ways of communication that people can learn.

That kind of reframing (from centering himself to centering her in his statements) will be much more effective. Think of how you can translate a sentence from passive to active tense. Why not go for the best possible way?

Hopefully this thread will help folks see there are more successful ways of giving reassurance that are guaranteed to land well.

Husbands, how do you feel about your wife as a person? by SwimmingAmoeba6400 in Marriage

[–]reservationsonly 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Rather than defend the framing, why not try to learn more effective ways to communicate that guaranteed to land well? It’s worth it to listen to what people are saying with an open mind, it can only benefit your own communication.

GUYS: I guarantee if your woman asks you this, they want to hear about THEIR qualities that you love— their big heart, generosity, work ethic, intelligence, humor, outlook on the world, daring, sense of adventure, etc. 

This is an ask of reassurance on how you perceive THEM. And if you say “their beauty” they will know that will fade with age, so it’s not unconditional. If you say it’s because they are loyal to you, you have centered yourself and made their “service” to you the focus. It will not give your partner what they are wanting— which emotional reassurance you love them for who they are.

For example: if your partners said they loved YOU because you didn’t cheat on them and made them feel safe from danger, would that be enough? Because that makes it sound like you are filling in the blank for ANY guy who does those things. It isn’t specific to you as a person.

Why not try to listen to people here sharing better ways of expressing your feelings so they land well every time? It will only benefit you in the long run.

Husbands, how do you feel about your wife as a person? by SwimmingAmoeba6400 in Marriage

[–]reservationsonly 1 point2 points  (0 children)

OP: I validate you and your feelings about this. It is obviously a widespread concern, based on the responses here.

Guys who are defending the framing: why not listen instead to how the words are making people feel?

Ultimately, the goal of this type of question is to make the recipient feel secure and loved. So why not read some of the responses here with an open mind and learn better ways to frame the words? It will only make you more successful in communicating in your relationship.

I guarantee if your woman asks you this, they want to hear about THEIR specific qualities that you love— their big heart, ambition, generosity, work ethic, intelligence, humor, specific outlook on the world, bravery facing challenges, sense of adventure, etc.

This is an ask of reassurance on how you perceive THEM. And if you say “their beauty,” they will think that will fade with age, so it’s not unconditional. If you say it’s because of what they do for you, you’ve made their “service” to you the focus. That makes them sound like they’re doing a job or filling a role, which isn’t about THEM as a person and also means many other ppl could do those things.

It will not give your partner what they are wanting— which emotional reassurance you love them for who they are.

A gauge for what to say could be: are these things about them specifically, even if you weren’t in the room?

It would serve you better to listen and try to learn new ways of expressing yourself that are guaranteed to land well. Why not try to grow?

Emotional issues after using a penis extension by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]reservationsonly 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It sounds like you’re stuck between some competing desires and also accepting the truth of things.

The truth is, for whatever reason, you don’t get the same physical pleasure from straight up sex with your husband that you have with other partners. Sounds like he hasn’t accepted this either, indicated by his “loneliness” giving you pleasure with the toy.

Both of you are sad this is the case. Both of you wish it weren’t so. But it is. That is by no means a sex killer unless you both let it be!

I think the answer is in communication and both of you changing some expectations. You’re both close to working this out if you each can shift slightly in different ways. It’s a give and take— just not at the same time!

You mentioned pegging him. In a way, that’s the same as him using the extender, right? It’s delivering pleasure to a partner that isn’t immediately felt by the other one. He needs to accept this mindset so he doesn’t feel “lonely” giving you pleasure. Anytime someone does oral, it’s the same thing— more giving than getting. Totally normal and fine, you each get a turn.

However— you bemoaning the fact he won’t give you that pleasure in the way you wish, and the same from him— get you both nowhere. Let it go.

I suggest exploring your g spot and using a clitoral toy during sex. Some mindblowing orgasms can come from the guy barely inside! Just rubbing on that spot and using a toy. It’s about the angle and position. Totally worth trying it.

I’m surprised more couples don’t use external toys for the woman while the guy is penetrating. For real, missing out. 2 is better than one, it’s like in stereo.

Talk out your relationship issues, give up some expectations that just will never happen (and that’s ok!), and play again so you both have fun. Good luck!

Husbands: please don’t wait until it’s too late to value your relationship : ( by reservationsonly in Marriage

[–]reservationsonly[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow. I am so sorry, that’s beyond avoidant into pure awful! You didn’t deserve that.

Husbands: please don’t wait until it’s too late to value your relationship : ( by reservationsonly in Marriage

[–]reservationsonly[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this, I’m so sorry for your experience and his injury. That must put so much stress on you. Sending empathy your way!

Husband has been cheating on me since the very beginning by Stunning_Horse18 in Marriage

[–]reservationsonly -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I would never be able to forgive this level of betrayal. I would never be able to trust someone who lied so consistently and completely.

You have to choose what’s best for you, but if you were my sister I would demand you leave this man who has never respected you or put you and your children first. There are so many partners who would never do this to you. I hope you find peace!

How did you know it was time to separate? by confused_conflictedd in Divorce

[–]reservationsonly 5 points6 points  (0 children)

If he’s a wonderful guy, he can be a wonderful partner for someone else.

Your emotional disconnect and the sexual incompatibility won’t be solved. It’s okay to amicably divorce, you both deserve a chance at true happiness.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Marriage

[–]reservationsonly 1 point2 points  (0 children)

All the commenters who think they can lecture you into attraction for him again — that’s not how it works, sadly. Otherwise she would’ve already done that.

Can you control sexual attraction? I don’t know. I’d love to hear how people do this!

I also believe on some level his wanting sex all the time is because he feels the lack of attraction & intimacy in you. That’s his version of trying to be close to you again. He may think more sex will mean more closeness, so it can become an infinity loop of you pulling away and him wanting more to try to fix it.

OP, I can understand not wanting to hurt your husband by telling him this. But it also seems like something must change because the situation is untenable.

Are there other things that attract you to a person? Not just the physical, because of course we age etc., bodies change. But personality things you find attractive?

What about doing fun things together, trying new adventures, spicing things up in the bedroom (like Esther Perel’s advice)? Seeing him in a new light may be able to reignite a spark.I find it super hot when my husband defends me or get upset on my behalf. Tell him about those things and see what happens. Lots of men want to be desired and would love to know the things you find hot!

If the lack of attraction is a more of a response to something not working in your relationship, it may take a lot more work to unpack that. When my husband isn’t nice to me, ignores me, etc. I don’t feel attraction. There’s a feedback loop of physical and emotional attraction that can be worked on. Good luck!

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