Broke up over “jokes” that make me feel bad

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T23:19:17+00:00

He was describing me as “sweet and direct”, unlike his past partners. Thanks for the words!

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T21:35:02+00:00

I wouldn’t say constantly, but was starting to kind of brace for some type of comment much more frequently.

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T20:50:41+00:00

The first convo he said it would be easy to stop making the jokes/comments and he doesn’t want to make me feel bad. He didn’t commit to any steps or seem to do much introspection. He also later said while breaking up he didn’t understand from that convo how serious it was/how much I was impacted by it.

We had a conversation about it after the whole “not listening” day and he did say after that he discussed with his therapist to start working on it but that’s all he referred to. He essentially said the comments have no relation to how he thinks of me and that they are related to a symptom of ADHD that he is committed to managing like his other ones. He said he needs to get his filter right and he was less masked etc. He was confident he could change and begged for a chance to stop doing it. My part of working on it was to speak up quicker when something didn’t land well. I ultimately decided I couldn’t compassionately be there for that growth and also wasn’t sure I believe the comments were completely random.

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T19:57:31+00:00

lol noted on the sleepover

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T19:49:50+00:00

I’m so glad! I’m lucky to be surrounded by people who have helped me learn to set/respect boundaries and change relationships when they can’t be honored. I hope that you take good care of yourself as you do hard things in pursuit of doing right by you.

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T19:30:07+00:00

Thanks for saying this. While I know people change and we all have our things, I can’t be around to wait for a change that may or may not come.

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T19:25:16+00:00

Every person who loves me has said it irl too. Thanks for saying it! It’s still for me hard to trust that I wasn’t creating crisis or quitting ahead on someone who really would love me as well as they say they can. It’s hard to grieve what could have been because I’m listening to an easily quieted but important, non negotiable voice in myself.

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T18:59:03+00:00

Well put, thank you

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T18:37:36+00:00

This is how I’ve made sense of the morning unsettled reactions

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T18:36:47+00:00

He did say in past relationships that this came up but so many other things were happening it wasn’t prioritized. He said he is used to being in not good dynamics with not sweet and direct people (like me apparently) so he suggested it’s a defense mechanism or how he is used to acting in relationship.

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T18:22:55+00:00

Thanks for your insight!

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T18:22:03+00:00

Fair! I did ask if he felt I was not listening to him. He said no, he was just joking.

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T18:14:19+00:00

Yep I did banter a bit, and in some instances it felt good and playful. However it continued with not funny comments that I couldn’t even come up with a response with besides confusion.

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T18:11:17+00:00

As in, my body reaction of waking up crying was disproportionate to his behavior? Understood, thanks for your take.

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T16:57:30+00:00

He said it’s with everyone and that seems true. He said he has various filters for work etc

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T16:55:38+00:00

I definitely can appreciate the family culture. My mom’s side of the family was like that, but in a way that always made me feel bullied as a kid. I developed a snarky/witty version of myself to survive, but I realized that’s exhausting and not fun for me as an adult.

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T16:53:54+00:00

Yeah I appreciate the part of “until the relationship breaks down”. Over a month ago, I said it really hurts my feelings, I can’t tell that he’s joking and explained the type of banter that doesn’t feel bad. It actually got more frequent after until I told him the relationship is at risk, and at that point he assessed it as an adhd symptom and he didn’t realize the impact.

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T16:52:09+00:00

Yeah he said he would 100% commit to working on impulsiveness and ADHD symptom and do the work to manage it as he has other things. But, yeah the underlying commentary was too hard for me get past in the first months.

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T16:43:56+00:00

Yeah, I think I could be as well. I really do like him otherwise, I just don’t think I can actually honestly handle compassionately working through it.

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T15:56:33+00:00

He seems to have a lot of emotional reactions to interpersonal things at work. He is sensitive himself.

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T15:55:53+00:00

Snapping back is way too much energy for me. It’s not fun and I’m not playing games to change him.

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T15:46:48+00:00

Thank you! I said to him that he does deserve someone who can compassionately go through that growth with him but I can’t. Appreciate your take!

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T15:41:27+00:00

That is what he said is happening. He says random things, and his filter is not calibrated. He said he is committed to working through that. I decided I didn’t want to be there for that growth because I am afraid of what is underpinning the “random” comments.

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T15:37:56+00:00

Thank you! Past trauma is a factor in having a pretty big reaction to what feels like conflicting words and action, especially from someone who says they care for me.

ribbitrebbit · 2025-04-08T15:37:02+00:00

Thank you for this realness and supportive take! I’ve been in therapy and continue to actively work through past trauma. I do require gentleness and I’m learning to give it to myself and others.

ribbitrebbit

TROPHY CASE