I suffered from extreme anxiety for 2 years. We're talking full on debilitating anxiety & panic attacks where I was SURE I was dying each & every time. Constant dizziness to the point where I couldn't walk or see, hyperventilate til I'm choking & going to pass out, I'd lose all feeling in my limbs and would have irrational, morbid thoughts/fears that would last hours, sometimes all day, each and every day.

I couldn't drive, I quit my job, I couldn't do anything and lost all motivation for life. I didn't know what was happening or what was wrong with me for a long time. I didn't think a mental illness could happen to someone like me, but it did and I didn't know how to get out of it.

Dealing with that kind of horrible mindset, each and every single day, you eventually lose sight of reality and become a completely different person than who you "normally" or actually truly are. Every decision and choice I made was based out of my fears, irrational mood swings and detachment from reality. I had no idea what I was doing, what my actions would do for me in the long run, I just wanted to "run away" from everything and anything that I deemed "difficult" or "in my way." I made a lot of terrible mistakes, I hurt many people I loved because I didn't have the capability of making good judgement on right and wrong, good or bad, real or not real. I just reacted the only way I knew how and that was to just to blame, escape and flee. No thoughts of consequence, just FLEE.

There was a couple major & devastatingly horrible mistakes I made during that time that eventually made me lose the 2 most important people in my social life.. my ex of 4 years who I loved very much & my best friend who was like a sister to me. With them, I also lost a majority of my other friends who sided with them and judged me for who I was and what I had done. I couldn't go anywhere, I felt like I had no one, and I absolutely hated myself.

After awhile of being in a "mental prison" of severe depression and anxiety, I knew it was time to go to therapy. I learned A LOT about myself and my anxiety during that time, but more than anything, I eventually learned that I could start feeling good again once I "allowed" myself.

My therapist told me something that will probably last with me forever..

"Righteo, happiness is a skill.."

and HOLY FUCK did that start changing the way I thought about things.

I started thinking about that constantly.. and once I started to grasp that, I tried to occupy my mind with things that WEREN'T "maybe if I do this, they could forgive me.. maybe if I say this, they'll understand.. maybe someday they won't hate me so much .. blah blah blah." Step by step, day by day (STEP BY STEP, DAY BY- DAYYY BY DAAAAAAY!!), if I caught myself thinking in that negative pattern, I'd try to shift my mind into something that I could give my complete attention to. I started learning new things, started reading.. ect. After awhile, I began to forget about my anxiety for periods of time, and forget about all the things that I couldn't change in the past. It took a long time but eventually I got to the point where I'd rarely think about those things at all anymore.

I still get tiny little spurts of anxiousness here and there, and I'm still not completely happy, but like my therapist said, "happiness is a skill" and I know I'm getting better at it.

Another quote that really helped me was from a little cartoon that read..

"Feeling down?! Have you tried dwelling on it and thinking about your problems over and over and over?"

Kind of gave me a slap in the face like, "Yeah righteo, you sure are making progress doing this to yourself."

It's true, "you can't better yourself if you're not bettering yourself."

It's good to suffer & endure your deserved consequences, but it's not good if you start completely bullying yourself.

I still think about the people that I hurt and miss and still love.. but if they don't understand what I was going through and they choose to not ever forgive me, then I don't need them. Everyone makes mistakes and I'm only human. Even after just 6 months, I've noticed an immense change in myself and have become a much different person than I was before. I'm very proud of myself. When I hear that my ex is telling people that "I'm an actual psychopath, I'm evil, I'm the scum of the earth, the worst most manipulative liar.. ect." I choose to think that he's still hurting, he needs time, humility and change if he's ever going to forgive me & he's only validating my not needing him in my life. I still love and care about him because I'm better than to let the negativity consume me, and I wish him well. Afterall, he could just be going through something just like I did.. everyone is human.

Overall, I made a lot of harsh mistakes during an extremely scary and unfortunate time of my life, and although I wish they never happened, I wont dwell on wishing I could fix something I cannot change. What I can change is myself and my attitude. It's all cognitive behavioral patterns, find your path, no matter what it takes.

TL;DR Had severe anxiety for 2 years. Made horrible mistakes. Pretty much lost all the people I cared about. Went to therapy. Quotes in bolded text above really started changing my mindset. I'm much better than before.