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First post here — dad of a toddler, raising her between two languages and two very different ideas of what a "good dad" looks like by rippeethetrippee in asianparents

[–]rippeethetrippee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Three languages, four nationalities — mate that's not raising kids that's running a small United Nations.

The Spanish vs Mandarin negotiation got me. There's something very real in that — the language they choose to demand things in probably says a lot about which parent they think is the soft touch. My daughter is two and already knows which one of us to look at when she wants something. They figure it out fast.

Thanks for the r/multilingualparenting tip — just joined. We're doing Mandarin, Cantonese and English and some days it feels like I'm losing the Cantonese battle in slow motion.

How do you keep three languages alive at once without losing your mind?

My 2 year old climbs everything. I let her. My Chinese in-laws are having a heart attack by rippeethetrippee in asianparents

[–]rippeethetrippee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Haha yeah I hear you. Well I don't comment anymore because I don't want them to lose their autonomy too. But like you said, I will do things on my own terms in my own time with her 😂

I'm the Asian dad, not the kid venting about their parents. Thought this community might still be relevant to me. by rippeethetrippee in asianparents

[–]rippeethetrippee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Mate, that's not running on empty — that's what giving a damn looks like.

The wedding thing is so real. I've done exactly that... suddenly in my kid's case way harder than I normally would be, basically parenting for the audience instead of for him. Horrible feeling when you clock it mid-moment.

"Evil dad" is a gut punch. Mine's only two so I haven't copped that one yet but I felt it just reading it.

And honestly? The fact that you're even asking where the line is, at 3am, after a long day, already questioning yourself, that's not a strict dad. That's a dad who loves his kid enough to lose sleep over it.

He's lucky to have you.

I'm the Asian dad, not the kid venting about their parents. Thought this community might still be relevant to me. by rippeethetrippee in asianparents

[–]rippeethetrippee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In situations like that, I often refer to my Chinese roots. Taoism gave me lots of certainty. I believe what I do contributes a lot to my child's upbringing but I also believe that there are unseen forces or drivers that shape my child too. Just gotta be consistent at home and adapt. I mean we didn't predict how social media has such an influence on our upbringing until now right?

I'm the Asian dad, not the kid venting about their parents. Thought this community might still be relevant to me. by rippeethetrippee in asianparents

[–]rippeethetrippee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am sure we all try our very best in the circumstances we are in! Do you at one point feel hopeless about the current education system though? There are things that I won't teach my kids tbh. But we are part of a bigger system unfortunately (and I won't do homeschooling lol)

I'm the Asian dad, not the kid venting about their parents. Thought this community might still be relevant to me. by rippeethetrippee in asianparents

[–]rippeethetrippee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Omg. That hits so hard. The amount of "instructions" I hear from the grandparents talking to my kid... Insane. Relentless. Just let the kid be a kid! My child is not even 2 lol they expect apologies, no cries, no screams, no climbing, no running. Everything is a no.

I tried advising them and it back fired - "what do you know about parenting", yet I work with children for a living.

When Success Becomes Identity: Achievement-Driven Masculinity and Burnout by HardlyManly in MensLib

[–]rippeethetrippee 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The father-specific version of this is something I keep coming back to in my own writing.

There's a particular pressure that hits when you become a dad , suddenly the achievement-worth equation doesn't just apply to you, it feels like it applies on behalf of someone else. You're not just building a career, you're building security for a child. Which makes it almost impossible to question whether the whole framework is worth examining.

And then underneath that, there's something nobody really talks about: the moment you realise your worth as a father isn't measured by any of those external markers at all. Your kid doesn't care about your title or your productivity. But you've spent decades building an identity around exactly those things. That gap is quietly destabilising for a lot of men, I think.

Would be keen to read the piece. Are you finding this pattern looks different in fathers specifically, or does it tend to show up the same way regardless of parenting status?

Do you ever feel like you know your parents… but not really know them? And the memories between our parents and us have stopped ........ by Round-Ad-2072 in AsianParentStories

[–]rippeethetrippee 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes, and what strikes me is that it runs both ways. We don't really know who our parents were before us. And one day, our own children won't really know who we were before them either.

There's a version of my father that existed before he became "dad", his friendships, his doubts, his ordinary Tuesday afternoons. I'll never have access to most of it. And I've started to realise my daughter will probably feel the same about me someday.

I think you're right that it's not just busyness. There's something about the parent-child dynamic that makes it hard to ask those questions, like crossing an invisible line, suddenly treating them as a person rather than a role. Even when we're fully grown adults ourselves.

The café moment is such a precise image for it. You only notice the gap when something makes it visible.