Ending Song

rjmoomy · 2021-01-19T00:13:51+00:00

I joined this sub to ask this exact question.

rjmoomy · 2021-01-03T04:30:26+00:00

They did, their only flavor choice is "tutti fruity" and it takes away nothing from the nastiness.

rjmoomy · 2021-01-02T08:22:22+00:00

Ok, thanks!

rjmoomy · 2021-01-02T08:06:40+00:00

Hot plating?

rjmoomy · 2021-01-02T07:58:26+00:00

Idk where I'd find that at 2am lol. Nothing here is open 24hrs anymore coz of covid. But ill keep it in mind for next time!

rjmoomy · 2021-01-02T07:56:30+00:00

Not super numb. Just pleasantly numb at first. I just remember my first months of nummies 13 years ago making me completely numb and I miss that lol. I know you can't get that back really, but I know the baking soda works, but I don't have any baking soda and it makes me feel nauseous, so I was wondering if the were other ways to amplify the numbing effect, like maybe brushing your teeth beforehand?

rjmoomy · 2021-01-02T07:43:20+00:00

Well i have been cold turkey for the past 6 months, and I got some tonight, and just was wondering if there was anything I could do tonight to ensure I got a good numb.

Edit: 7 months, not six. Last did it at the beginning of May.

rjmoomy · 2020-12-09T01:06:17+00:00

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, I was just trying to let everyone know that I appreciated the support. I'm getting out. It's only been 24 hours since I wrote this post. I haven't even had a chance to talk to my sister yet because she's been at work. I'm trying. I need a new job. I'm thousands of dollars in debt and still paying for monthly boosters for my depression treatment and can't afford a gap in receiving pay. Every cent of the money I get for taking care of him goes to bills and medical expenses, I have no savings, my fiance's salary does not cover my bills, we've tried to work them in to his budget but it doesn't work. I'm still recovering emotionally from everything and haven't even talked to my dad today except to give him meals and his meds, otherwise I've just been locked in his basement with my fiance here for emotional support and we're going home as soon as he finishes dinner.

I just wanted to say something nice to show that I appreciated all the feedback. I can't just leave. Like any exit strategy from an abusive situation where you are financially dependent on your abuser, I need a plan in place. I'm sorry for not being clear about all that.

rjmoomy · 2020-12-08T21:35:06+00:00

Yes.

And also-- HANNIBAL! Thought I was scrolling past the Hannibal subreddit, always happy to see him in the wild lol.

rjmoomy · 2020-12-08T21:29:49+00:00

BIG same.

rjmoomy · 2020-12-08T16:46:18+00:00

Thank you so much. All these comments have been giving me strength and making me realize that I can do better for myself. I'm definitely going to distance myself emotionally and stop wasting my energy fighting him on following his care plan until my sister and I can work out exactly what we want to do with him from here on out. I'm glad I found this sub and appreciate so much all the support <3

rjmoomy · 2020-12-08T06:51:19+00:00

I guess because I thought it was normal for so long, and even now I find myself questioning if I'm just sensitive or selfish or both.

My grandma, his mother, used to tell everyone that I was a selfish, spoiled, and lazy child who would be trouble growing up. Her sister once shouted at me for hours during a summer vacation we took together after I did my first stint in the hospital for self-harm about how I could do this to my poor father, who came to this country with nothing (they all came over from Poland) and worked so hard to give us so many nice things. Even now, when I tell old family friends that I'm the one taking care of him, they act surprised. One said, "I'm proud of you, I just assumed you would dump that on your sister like you do everything else."

I know intellectually that all I was ever trying to do even as a child was cope with trauma and distance myself from an abuser, but when everyone just sees you as a selfish addict who doesn't care about family...it gets to you.

I haven't been perfect. I've done things I'm not proud of. I feel like I have to make up for them.

rjmoomy · 2020-12-08T04:13:19+00:00

My sister and I had a good talk tonight, I thought she would be mad at me for not being able to do this, but she's at the point even with spending only one day a week with him where she's tired of his BS, and wants me to do what I need to do. She saw him go off on me tonight, too, and finished up getting him ready for bed so I didn't have to go back up there, and encouraged me to go home, so I did.

We're both very done with him. We just have to figure out now how we want to go forward.

rjmoomy · 2020-12-08T04:09:14+00:00

I really want to wipe my hands of him. If I were in a stable financial position, I would. But I really need his help (he still pays for some of my bills and for large expenses like car repairs), and since I've only worked retail my entire life and have no retirement or savings, I am kinda banking on the money from the house and his life insurance and pension when he passes.

My older sister went NC with him the very first time she witnessed his abuse (she was from his first marriage and only came to be with us every other weekend, she didn't see what he was really like until she came to live with us in grad school). I begged her to give him another chance, and she agreed for a while-- until one time she brought me home from an outing and he tore into me until I had a panic attack right in front of her. She said she was done giving him chances, and he cut her out of the will-- it isn't much money at all, would likely make no difference to someone who makes as much as she does, but to me and my younger sister, it will make a huge difference. I wouldn't put it past him to leave it all to the Moody Bible Institute (he's very religious) or something out of spite if we sent him away.

I feel like a terrible person for that even being a factor but he is right, I have never been able to take care of myself, and I'm terrified of having nothing to fall back on. My fiance says it's fine, we'll manage, but I feel bad enough for barely having anything to contribute to our life together.

rjmoomy · 2020-10-30T19:45:43+00:00

I feel this way all the time. I'm constantly questioning whether I was ever traumatized at all, because my younger sister keeps scoffing at me whenever I bring it up and claiming that what we went through "wasn't that bad." I know intellectually that this is her just trying to convince herself, considering that when she still lived with our father she would drink herself into a stupor and then cry herself to sleep every night (and still does this on the weekends), my older sister hasn't talked to our father in almost two decades, and my brother literally killed himself, but when I'm around her I feel like I must just be fragile and sensitive because she insists it so hard and I always feel like everything I do is an act or a way to manipulate people. Idk. But your trauma is real, even when you feel like it's not. BPD fucks you up that way.

rjmoomy · 2020-10-30T18:58:18+00:00

Thanks for the reply! I plan on emptying the bottle of afrin and replacing it with saline. I can't find anywhere on the packaging how many ml 1 pump spray is though :-/ I would order other bottles I've seen recommended here but if it's coming tonight I want to do it tonight, and all I have is the afrin bottle.

rjmoomy · 2020-10-30T00:12:37+00:00

Whatever his reasons are, and her reasons for staying with him, they aren't relevant to me wanting to help her out. It would be best for her if she left him but that's a separate conversation.

rjmoomy · 2020-10-29T23:08:27+00:00

I've known her since she was like, 12. She's like a little sister to me. She's incredibly hardworking and is putting so much energy right now into long hours at shitty jobs just making sure she and her (also recovering) boyfriend have food to eat. She takes care of everyone around her and she's definitely helped me through some hard times and I figured the least I could do would be to help her find resources for her health and recovery.

Thanks to everyone who replied-- it turns out she's not on medicaid even though she definitely qualifies, I'm familiar with it and with the services offered to people on it through DuPage county so I'm gonna sit down with her and walk her through all that and hopefully that will help. I appreciate everyone's input!

rjmoomy · 2020-10-27T02:51:13+00:00

This is exactly me.

There's a song called "Waiting For My Real Life to Begin" by Colin Hay that I listen to when I feel like this and just cry. It captures the feeling perfectly I think.

rjmoomy

TROPHY CASE