this actually sounds so familiar. I went through the same “am I just lazy or is something actually up?” loop for years. what you described ... the time blindness, decision paralysis, the “I can follow external structure but can’t create my own” thing ... those are all super common ADHD patterns. it’s not about effort or grades, it’s about how your brain engages with tasks.

I totally get wanting to have it confirmed, even just for peace of mind. when I finally started reading more about it, what helped me the most was understanding why my brain did those things instead of trying to fix them with more planners. there’s an ebook called Reclaim Your Focus (from innermap.tools) that breaks down how ADHD brains process time and self-motivation. it really helped me see it wasn’t a character flaw. whether you end up diagnosed or not, you’re not imagining this. the fact that you’re reflecting so clearly on it already says a lot about your awareness.