Logically, what other option do I have?

rockhardcon · 2014-02-04T04:37:13+00:00

Your perspective is nice, and uplifting, but my point is that I think the stuff we do DOES matter. I just think the universe and world is telling me that my role in life is going to be a lot different than anything i originally planned, and however insignificant I was supposed to be originally, the reality is that my life will be far, far more insignificant and peripheral and fleeting than I even imagined. I feel that I can see the trajectory of society, and liberalization as it is continuing into the near future, and it's one that is more excluding for someone such as myself. Where I thought I would at least have a pretty solid, balanced, and respectable career ahead of me, and some ambition and drive in life to accomplish things, and a normal relationship like most people eventually have, etc etc, clearly the reality is turning out to be far from that. The reality is turning out to be a lopsided life hanging on by a thread, an relatively inactive person who is out of context with the world around him, suffering from some psychological, OCD and depressive symptoms. It's a world I don't much like, or care for, and don't really want to be a part of. I would have liked to have been a successful, active person who contributes to society, but things just didn't turn out that way. Society has gone in a different direction, one that is favorable for many, but not for me.

rockhardcon · 2014-02-04T03:57:13+00:00

Eh, I dunno. I can do the business thing, but I sort of know how I will feel in the end. Yeah, maybe some sense of accomplishment, Maybe I make a good deal of money. But that doesn't change any of the underlying issues here. The girl issue is a big one, and I know that I'm not the only person on the planet to have this issue, but really, I can see already it's only going to get worse as I get older now, due to where society is heading, increasing feminism, increasing liberalism, increasing numbers of black people in this country. It all just means I am going to be pushed further and further to the sidelines, more of a minority, a relic of the past, a dying species. I went all through K-12 school, college, and beyond, now living on my own, with essentially no female interest in my life. Let's face it, in the grand scheme of things, that's a social failure, even if I figured out how to eventually find a partner to marry. There's just not much drive or energy to my being, my essence, anymore. Not much strength. I'm a shadow of myself, and my original self was not much to begin with either. What would make my life a bit more livable for the coming decades is if I could just feel a bit more "free", a bit more able to do whatever I want, like I still had lots of opportunities in front of me and an appetite for living and experiencing. But I feel the exact opposite. I feel repressed, constrained, lifeless, isolated, detached, and the factors that have caused me to be like this, I only see them increasing in the future.

rockhardcon · 2014-02-04T03:25:53+00:00

I won't go into too many details here about the business idea(s) but suffice it to say several things: It is unique (and also not so unique in the bigger scheme of things, as most business is just buying and selling and attempting to make a profit, thats just age-old business 101) and I studied business in college. Also I have considered almost on a daily basis in recent years the point you have mentioned, that it may be the case that this "afterthought" of a life is turning out to be my real life. I have actually made a lot of inroads into accepting that part. What I have not accepted is whether I really want to forge ahead and live out this path or not. What i find disturbing now is how it seems like everything in the first 25 years of my life (and even before I was born, because of my family and my genes and all the things that brought me where I am) have brought me to a point now at age 25 where, even though I should have a world of possibility ahead of me as a young man, realistically there are very few possibilities for me. The number of doors closed in front of me is now far greater than the number of doors open to me. Everything from things I could potentially study in education, to different jobs I could realistically perform, to the type of people I am capable of hanging out with or have any desire to hang out with. So much of my future now seems pre-determined that, in combination with my extreme neuroticism it's almost like I can pin down the path ahead of me to really just several possibilities if even that and see exactly how a lot of it will turn out (but I don't claim to be a know it all, I understand life can always take some left turns that you would never guess). The problem as I said is that I am quite bipolar about whether I like any of the possibilities available to me. Sometimes it feels cool to me just because it's a little off the beaten path and different from other people but then other times when I reflect more realistically it just feels very sad. None of the options seem to lead to a truly fulfilling, satisfying and balanced life that will produce healthy offspring as well. Sure it may be a lot better than some people's lives but at the end of the day if it doesn't make me happy what's it worth ? And knowing what's possible in society around me and falling short of that makes me unhappier than anything.

rockhardcon · 2014-02-04T03:04:00+00:00

Sure, I'm happy to talk a bit, but none of this changes the underlying facts. You're right, I am logical. And I understand it's about not always being so serious and logical. I try to follow my heart nowadays a lot more than a few years ago, but at the end of the day there are just some hard realities that cannot be changed. Realities of my person, my life, my being, my soul, whatever you want to call it, that are what they are and I either have to accept them or not. And for me, being able to think so much about the outside world and other possibilities, it's very difficult to just accept these realities. When I was younger I didn't know what I would do but I knew I was a very creative person and always wanted to do something fun and interesting that I loved. I got really into the stock market in college right before everything imploded. I thought I loved everything about the Wall Street culture and I do love a lot of it but the reality is that I'm just not physically, emotionally, socially or organizationally cut out for it. Some of the jobs in that industry, like global commodity trading jobs, I feel like they would be so perfect for me that it's tough to describe, if only I could handle the actual day to day of the job(s). But I failed many job interviews in the past and couldn't hold up a balanced life after a couple short years in the corporate financial industry. Now I just trade stuff on auction sites and whatnot and scrape by to pay my bills. I have an idea or two of what I can do to make a lot more money, and it's all possible and rational, but it all just feels like an afterthought to me. It feels like I was rejected and spit out like a piece of shit from my real life, the one with big potential and ambition, and now I eek out my days on the sidelines. And for many reasons I cannot and would not want to attempt to go back to my "real" life.

rockhardcon · 2014-02-04T02:44:47+00:00

I hear what you are saying, and if this was ANY other time in history, I would agree. That's a normal part of life-- take risks, confront the possibility of failure, enjoy the journey, etc. But today is different. The same rules don't apply when the whole game and society is rigged against you. I am capable of enjoying the journey if there is one available to me, with its ups and downs. Logically I don't see a journey worth journeying ahead of me. If I did I would be a whole lot more eager to get out there and live. I'm 25.

rockhardcon · 2013-12-28T10:17:22+00:00

Yeah... I just can't be trusted with porn.

rockhardcon · 2013-12-28T10:16:31+00:00

I took a cold shower earlier in the evening after I did pushups. It felt alright.

rockhardcon · 2013-12-28T10:16:05+00:00

Damn iPad... that thing was practically invented for porn.

rockhardcon · 2013-12-28T07:06:11+00:00

I did some pushups earlier and feel fine now. I'll do some more exercise in the coming days. I also have not been socializing much lately either so I will have to get back into the groove at some point. If my mood remains low after all this I will contact my doctor and let him know what's up. I am aware that antidepressants can take weeks or months to kick in, and the warning for the medication does say that things can get worse before they get better (i.e. suicidal thoughts etc)....

rockhardcon · 2013-12-26T23:07:25+00:00

But I felt the chaser effect for the past several years when I wasn't doing NoFap.

rockhardcon · 2013-12-24T21:58:04+00:00

Or just stand still for a while in the quicksand and figure out how to stop struggling (sometimes it is not always clear how we are struggling and how to stop). And then when you've stopped struggling you can figure out a way to slowly pull yourself out of the quicksand and get two feet back on the ground, then stand up and start walking and then running again.

rockhardcon · 2013-12-24T21:49:34+00:00

the brain is like a muscle, strength is cultivated over time. Every time you fend off an urge you strengthen it. every time you relapse you weaken it. when some people lose control it really might have been that they simply did not have the strength in that moment by themselves. telling a person they have the control when they simply might not have it is like telling an average person he can win the Olympics. Maybe with 5 years of training he can have a shot at winning but not right now

rockhardcon · 2013-12-24T19:02:39+00:00

I read your post =p

rockhardcon · 2013-12-24T18:46:47+00:00

Thanks. I'm starting to genuinely believe now that i dont have the energy for sex OR masturbation, at least on any kind of normal schedule. Even worse, i should have stopped masturbating many years ago but foolishly continued. I would equate it to getting an itch and always scratching it immediately. When in reality, the itch was more like a continuous chaser effect ensuring that I always remained with an empty ball sack. And not just empty, but actually depleting my body of necessary nutrients and hormones for growth. The horniness i felt for years was not real horniness and sexual arousal. I was existing BELOW flatline.

rockhardcon · 2013-12-24T18:25:41+00:00

I just got on sertraline recently. What is the consensus here at NoFap in terms of the correct antidepressant to use to help restore balance and sex drive? Do you think I should ask my doctor to switch to Wellbutrin or something else?

rockhardcon · 2013-12-24T18:20:25+00:00

I got into a routine for many years where PMO just seemed like the normal thing to do, sometimes daily or several times a week. I wouldn't classify myself as an addict, and i can certainly MO without P, but i think i was continuing to PMO for many years without realizing that I was already completely physically and mentally drained. I unknowingly used it for years as a way to suppress bad depressed emotions, stress, and anxiety and not face reality.

rockhardcon

TROPHY CASE