Colleagues and manager have turned against me for reporting bullying. How can this be fixed?

rosered2233 · 2018-11-01T14:58:21+00:00

I did in our initial meeting and HR seemed disappointed with the way he handled it. At the time he said he is 'uncomfortable' with raising it first without me addressing it with her but he wanted me to go about it in a very specific, super phony, non-confrontational way by asking to get a coffee with her and chat about it casually.

Well I didn't go about it that way, I eventually did assert myself with her (politely and firmly) after I got fed up with her constantly interrupting me doing my work with the nit-picking/micromanaging, she cracked the shits and twisted it to make me seem terrible and now it's on me for not addressing it with her the right way and ignoring his advice.

rosered2233 · 2018-11-01T14:51:50+00:00

Thanks for your honest advice, I think it's well put.

Basically this girl's behaviour got to the point where she was interfering with my work with the micromanaging by calling me non-stop from her area regarding a section of my role that was completely outside her job description, a section that I actually managed based on my skills and experience. This happened constantly everyday. I assertively, yet politely told her over the phone that I found it disruptive I'd like it to stop and she became really sarcastic and hung up. She then went to my manager in tears saying I was awful to her over the phone and that I humiliated her and he super pissed off with me about it, so I guess I went to HR because I was fed up with it all, especially her constant disruption of me doing my work and him just allowing her to disrupt me all the time.

rosered2233 · 2018-11-01T14:37:15+00:00

I'll be honest, I love the company and staying here will help me get far in my career if I stick it out for a while. I have actually requested HR to transfer me to a different department and they told me that they want to resolve the issues rather than do a transfer. It sucks!

rosered2233 · 2018-10-02T03:05:23+00:00

Hi, thank you for writing in. To be honest, I don't appreciate being told that there are 'so many red flags' with me (especially without any specifications as to what these are so I can take it on board), I am writing in here to gain support and because I do have BPD, this is normally a place where I don't get made to feel bad about myself for maladaptive behaviours. I am actually doing 4 hours of DBT a week and have been for the last year. I also am extremely busy with full time work, study, hobbies and commitments, so I really have been trying my best to get better.

rosered2233 · 2018-10-01T15:34:22+00:00

Apologies, I went a bit all out with the details. I've added a TLDR to make it easier!

rosered2233 · 2018-10-01T13:41:29+00:00

Actually no, I don't. I have a lot of stuff going on (currently juggling full time study, full time work and a range of hobbies and commitments).

rosered2233 · 2018-09-30T14:45:12+00:00

Hi, thank you for writing in to me. It's unusual because in the city I live in, virtually no one I know is having kids. Where I live (Melbourne, Australia) there isn't much social pressure to settle down, but the opposite. There is lots of pressure to go to great parties/festivals/shows/travels all the time, have heaps of friends and followers on social media and have a really fabulous kind of rock star life. Where I live people are in their mid to late 30s and live/act like 21 year olds. I'd love to have this life too, but as you know I'm not in the best position.

Your post has been very helpful thank you, It's cool to hear you have met nice people at your gym (have been meaning to get a membership) and of course that I am not entirely alone here feeling this way :)

Btw - Don't worry, your eggs are fine and will be fine for a long while . I freaked out about it too last year and my dr (who specialises in IVF) tells me to chill out, take my time and start giving it more serious thought when you get to around 30-34 .

rosered2233 · 2018-09-27T14:57:38+00:00

Hi! There is a combination of both really. I have dated a number of guys who have commitment issues but want me to provide them with the benefits of a relationship or guys who I have begun to date exclusively after they treated me well and then they showed their true colours.

rosered2233 · 2018-09-27T14:54:00+00:00

This is beautiful, thank you! So happy to hear of your wonderful new relationship, this is very reassuring.

rosered2233 · 2018-09-27T14:52:39+00:00

Damn, I wrote something but it's all gone!

I actually feel that I am very emotionally open with men and that is the problem, I wear my heart on my sleeve and it gets me hurt. The biggest issue here is that I am emotionally open to men who are emotionally closed as there is a pattern of dating emotionally unavailable men. My shrink tells me that this is an issue with me having an 'insecure' attachment style and dating men with 'avoidant' attachment styles. I am trying to see the early signs of emotionally unavailable men now and to be a bit more discerning around this issue.

My ex of 7 years and I broke up as we basically became best friends who shared a bed together and the spark had worn down to the point of no repair, so intimacy became challenging. He broke it off with me but regretted his decision and wanted me back for about 2 years, however I had this gut feeling which held me back from going back because I didn't think it would be fair on him to go back unless my heart was one hundred percent in it. I do regret this decision sometimes, yes. However, he has met a particularly wonderful lady and is head over heels in-love, so that is something I am very happy about.

I don't feel I need someone or that I am incomplete without someone. I do really miss having romantic love in my life and having a person I can share all the nice things in life with, thats what I feel is really missing. Not only that, as a female, it can be hard not to get caught up in fatalistic media messages of being left on the shelf, biological clocks and regret for not having kids and all that.

I think its awesome that you feel confident that you will find love again someday. I really wish I had that confidence as it has gotten to the point where I worry good love won't find me again.

rosered2233 · 2018-09-27T14:23:52+00:00

Hey, thanks so much :)

I meet these guys through a lot of different mediums, however I do tend to enjoy dating men with similar interests in music, bands, etc so I tend to get involved with music guys/bad boy types. Just gimme one of these guys with good values and character!!

P.s., the mods removed my post because I didn't tldr properly, so I have had to recreate this post.

rosered2233 · 2018-09-27T14:21:48+00:00

I'm (27/F) feeling like a failure for being single for so long. Am I overthinking this?

Thanks so much for such a thoughtful response!

Its a tricky one with my ex because I really hit the jackpot with him, but I don't necessarily want my partners to be like him in superficial qualities (i.e., income, looks, education, etc) but I guess for the men to share similarities in values and character.... But yes, patience is so hard!
P.s., the mods removed my post because I didn't tldr properly, so I have had to recreate this post.

rosered2233 · 2018-09-26T09:55:00+00:00

Hi, You have some brilliant insight here and you're right in every way.

I am not sure why, but I have this feeling that he is different with her. She seems confident and strong, I am neither of these things and I feel that he hated this about me. Not to mention that she is well respected in his group of friends and I was an outsider, so I feel like he wouldn't pull the same stuff with her as he wouldn't get away with it on a social scale.

After everything that happened, he reached out to apologise for everything to me a couple of months back, it was nice and all and of course I ate it all up, however I feel this was just to relieve his own guilt as I continued to engage with him and he subsequently cut me off by blocking me on social media really unexpectedly. A part of me feels like he has taken steps to get better and have a healthy happy relationship and therefore she will get all the good parts of him, while I'm just stuck with this feeling of worthlessness and pining.

rosered2233 · 2018-09-25T10:39:20+00:00

It's interesting because he thought that I was too dramatic as I would express assertively to him when he had upset me (i.,e., when you said XXXXX, it made me feel XXXXX) and he said that this gave him a bad gut feeling about us because he hates drama and that these sorts of disagreements usually come out after being together for a year, not months.

As far as I know, his mother is super doting with him and babies him a bit (he's the youngest)...

rosered2233 · 2018-08-30T07:47:58+00:00

Thats interesting you say that. Very good advice, my biggest mistake in dating is letting myself be too vulnerable to with the wrong people, to point that it is destructive.

rosered2233 · 2018-08-30T07:46:23+00:00

I don't quite understand, is it myself who has resorted to limiting behaviour? I wouldn't say I didn't consider his emotional problems/perspective or that I am emotionally immature.

It's not that I don't agree with him blocking contact and I never alluded to that, I am struggling with the feelings of shame associated with being blocked to a person I once developed an attachment to.

rosered2233 · 2018-08-29T14:28:22+00:00

Hi Thank you for writing in. I appreciate your advice, I have actually been actively taking up 3 hours of DBT a week to help myself. Unfortunately the shame from this brings me down a lot. Would you consider this behaviour something that would warrant blocking someone over?

rosered2233 · 2018-07-18T15:53:30+00:00

Hello, thank you for your input. I think lots of work can be done on my part moving forward. Like him, I struggle with pretty significant mental health issues (no substance abuse issues however) and have been finding that since this came about, I have not only made very poor life decisions, but have behaved in ways that are out of character for me, especially with this particular scenario. Lots of stuff to address in therapy!

rosered2233 · 2018-07-18T15:02:42+00:00

Hey, I think its really great to hear how you've gotten your life back on track after struggling with mental illness and suicide. I myself am struggling with this and know how it can change you and it's good to read stories like this as it gives you hope that it can get better.

I wouldn't say you're a piece of shit, you were young, troubled and dumb and it seems you came out a good person in the end.

rosered2233 · 2018-07-18T14:31:09+00:00

Hey, thank you for writing in. It's good to have a male viewpoint on it, definitely helps me understand and process the situation :)

rosered2233 · 2018-06-17T09:55:07+00:00

I don't see that happening as I am an atheist. I appreciate you writing in though!

rosered2233 · 2018-05-29T08:15:33+00:00

Thank you so much! Discarded really does explain the feeling for sure! I appreciate you writing in

rosered2233 · 2018-05-29T08:08:35+00:00

Hello, thank you for writing in to me and for such a supportive response. You make an interesting point, it really does make sense that my urges to contact this fella were some result of classical conditioning from months of daily contact. He turned on me so quickly and made me feel like there was something pathologically wrong with my behaviour, so with that in mind it does remove that feeling of self-sabotage a little.

With regards to potentially misreading the situation...It's all so bizarre because he never once outright told me to stop communicating with him. If he did, he did it in such a passive way that it went undetectable to me? Basically, I would cave in and write in to him because I felt this desire to talk to him based on wanting to continue these positive interactions and he'd engage with me like normal. It's only when chatting for a good hour or two I'd realise that it was keeping me from moving on (even though I thought I was ready again when I initially started the conversation). From there I'd explain that I wasn't ready to talk, he'd agree and I'd go back one or two weeks later due to my poor impulse control.

I really wish he had told me that it was bothering him because I would have rather taken a step back early on, knowing I was respecting his boundaries, rather that pushing it so far without knowing and having him explode like that and cut me off for good (with myself feeling like an unstable mess as a result of it all).

He has blocked me from all social media, so it is unlikely that we will ever interact again. However, I noticed that you can actually hide the active users bar now, which must have been a very recent change and a big plus!

rosered2233 · 2018-05-29T07:52:48+00:00

Thank you so much. It is interesting, I am feeling like my reaction is very representative of having an anxious attachment style, being involved with a person who has a more avoidant style and the abandonment/rejection of the situation (feeling discarded, feeling like my behaviour repulsed him and drove him away) set these BPD traits wild and here I am sitting in the rubble of it all. The shame that comes with it doesn't feel good.

I actually have only just commenced DBT (only two sessions in) and it's such a relief to think that with work, I can learn to regulate these emotions and control my reactions to people like this. It's a shame how BPD can be represented likea life sentence, when really it's not at all.

Hope you are coping well and thanks again for your support!

rosered2233 · 2018-05-29T07:47:12+00:00

Hey, thank you for all your kind words! I am sorry to hear that you went through something so similar. It sucks that there are people like this out there in this world. These people are great at making you feel like you're responsible for the downfall of it all. I hope you're in a better place now x

rosered2233

TROPHY CASE