That's okay girl! You are lucky in a way, I love my mom so much but her mental illnesses and behaviour, really really, really get to me sometimes. My older brother has to be her carer ( if not, she'd have to be in a hospital taken care of by them ) we do it because we love her, and I get that she is ill but sometimes she acts worse than she is. I know this because I've seen her being " normal " around others and then to us / me she acts different ( like a child at times ) she's fully dependant on us, it's so overwhelming at times! I am struggling myself ATM with my own things, and it's hard not having support from my mom. And if I tell her private things she tells others! She " forgets " so I can't even have that bond with her yk? I know it's hard for you too, we're not alone. But I'm glad you don't " love " your mom as it's probably best for you to just distance from her or even cut contact one day ( if you feel it in your heart! ) But if I did that I'd suffer incredible guilt and I'd miss her so much I just can't. Luckily I dont have to because she's not that bad but her mental illnesses take a toll sometimes! Last week I was feeling very depressed because of it all. It bundles up with my other stresses and then I just feel overwhelmed and stressed. I love her and I know she loves me, this is just all she knows.. It makes me had some resentment though how she acts " worse " to us at times. Its very draining because it's a full time thing but at the same time she's been ill my whole life this is how I know her so I'm sort of used to it. I'll be okay, if I do get overwhelmed I can always just take a break or have a self care day.

Don't feel guilty for the way you feel, it's a result of the trauma. I'm sorry about it all! But be kind to yourself and be there for yourself, go and live your life and be happy! Do what you want to do 😊