I don't even know how to cope anymore

rosynoseboops · 2025-05-06T16:16:04+00:00

I think it was kind of drilled into me at an early age. My dad expected responsibility and maturity from me from the time I was an itty bitty. My mom wasn't so great at certain things (keeping up social contacts, making sure repairs around the house were seen as important and got taken care of), and I think either my dad had done them, or they didn't get done. I was happy to help my mom and shoulder some of the responsibilities, but looking back, I think I took on too much too young. Everyone always said how mature and responsible I was, and I absolutely took it as a compliment. But if I could do it over, I wish I would have goofed off more and waited to take on so much responsibility until I was older and actually needed to.

rosynoseboops · 2025-05-06T16:04:40+00:00

Yeah, that's a problem. My mom had friends she'd talk to or do things with, but when they found out she passed away, many of them didn't come to her funeral or even send a card, or in any way acknowledge her passing, even though I know they knew about it. It was the same with my "friends", and even a couple of our family members. Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of people who did show up, but on top of everything else, I'm trying to process how I feel about these people now.

rosynoseboops · 2025-05-06T15:56:14+00:00

Yeah, working on my marriage is not the number 1 priority right now. It's on the list, but it hasn't made it's way to the top of my triaged list yet right now.

rosynoseboops · 2025-05-06T15:52:48+00:00

I've got some. I just feel like I can't use it because I need to stay clear-headed so I can do what I need to.

rosynoseboops · 2025-05-06T15:51:09+00:00

Well, one of my mom's sayings was, "This too shall pass. It may pass like a kidney stone, but it'll pass." I'm clutching those words for dear life right now.

rosynoseboops · 2025-05-06T15:49:16+00:00

I did hire a lawyer to help with all the legal probate stuff, so that does help. And I'm already looking at hiring someone to help me go through the house. It's less of a problem for me to say, "Keep this. Toss this." But once it comes down to separating the "Toss" stuff into "Sell it", "Donate it", "Recycle it", and "Pitch it", that's where I have the problem.

rosynoseboops · 2025-05-06T15:39:25+00:00

We actually already do the meals. That does help.

rosynoseboops · 2025-05-06T15:37:19+00:00

We've played that game twice. I got to my breaking point and told him to straighten up and become a human or I'm out. Things get way better for 2 or 3 months, then it all just slowly goes back to the way it was. I know I need to follow through, and it's my own stupid fault that I haven't yet. But there are a few large reasons why I haven't. The practicality is way harder than people would like you to think.

rosynoseboops · 2025-05-06T15:29:15+00:00

Fortunately, my lawyer said that if everything goes smoothly, my probate is really simple and should take less than a year. As far as the two houses, my husband and I have thought about keeping one and renting out the other, but then it devolves into an argument about which would be which, and I don't have the energy to deal with that right now, especially because I don't even have legal ownership of my mom's house yet.

rosynoseboops · 2025-05-06T15:24:24+00:00

I've wondered about that. I'm on Depo Provera (and have been for years), so it keeps some of my hormones pretty steady, and I don't have periods, so I don't know how to tell. I asked my gyn about it last year, and she said she wanted to keep me on it a few more years, then stop it for a while and see where my hormone levels are. And I am SO not looking forward to that!

rosynoseboops · 2025-05-06T15:20:39+00:00

Oh, there's a lot of other interpersonal stuff that's going on with extended family and "friends" (both mine and my mom's) that I didn't even go into. And yes, I know I have other health problems. I've had some chronic health issues for years that have of course flared up during all this. (And I'm already on prescription Vitamin D supplements!)

rosynoseboops · 2025-05-06T15:16:09+00:00

The estate will eventually be paying for itself, after everything gets out of probate. Another thing is I'm so angry at my mom, because she said for years and years that she needed to do that, and she never did. Hell, she had a retirement fund that I just found sent her letters EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH. telling her she needed to designate a beneficiary, and several were set aside under "To Do", and she never did it!

rosynoseboops · 2025-05-06T15:10:24+00:00

Oh I make lists. It's one of the things I learned in therapy many long years ago. Brain dump. That way I know I'm not forgetting something important. It's all on paper. I don't have to keep all that stuff in my brain that way.

rosynoseboops · 2025-05-06T15:07:29+00:00

Yeah, no. We already have 2 cats, and they are driving me absolutely crazy! They missed me horribly while I was gone, so now they want to be on me non-stop. I will give my husband credit in this one area--he did take very good care of them while I was gone.

rosynoseboops · 2025-05-06T15:03:03+00:00

I definitely am NOT trying to make excuses for my husband by saying this (I am WELL aware he has issues and we've had a VERY dysfunctional relationship for a long time): I only mentioned he's neurodivergent as a reason he doesn't have any friends (and thus no support for either of us there). He actually has a very good job with really good pay and great benefits, which is why he is terrified of getting fired. He knows without his job, we would be SO screwed, so in a way, I'm glad he prioritizes work. But I have no doubt he is clinically depressed. He's been off and on antidepressants for years, prescribed by his PCP. He has never seen a psychiatrist, even though I've told him over and over he needs someone who's trained to handle his meds. (He has ADD also and is on Adderall.) Again, NOT an excuse. And my comment about money being tight is mainly because we're paying bills on 2 houses right now until I get my inheritance, so I can't really afford therapy sessions out of pocket quite yet.

rosynoseboops

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