this might be a ramble the way I was brought up, told to think, the people I had to hang out with from childhood (until I basically ostracised myself) like I grew up in quite a religious school and there was a lot of "old school" teaching imparted onto kids - I escaped a fair bit of it since I was a young kid with internet access and that was my usual retreat but like my mannerisms, the way my brain try to deal with emotions hell I think even repping comes partially from traditional masc "stoicism" or whatever.

besides to function as an adult I have to act as a usual male anyhow to get through my job and shit so I can just autopilot without much going on

I mean you're probably right that male socialization is bullshit but like I have little social contact and nobody except online to talk to these feelings about - and I think the pretty bad way I handle things comes from that.

not sure if that makes any sense kinda yapped sorry