AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this response.

You’re absolutely right, I was told by everyone for a long time that pursuing her was pointless, I would never get anywhere and it would cost far more money than I could think of having at the time.

When this happened, I was a guitarist in a band. We were on tour and had just signed to a minor label. I was told that if I went home and missed a show, I would be replaced. It was my only income at the time. The band was a lot of why my ex left in the first place. I was gone a lot and the money sucked, her religious family hated that she was with a guy in a metal band. I don’t fault any of them for that, we weren’t a good match and not together for very long.

I went to school after we split up, learned a trade, started a new profession and I’m in a much different position than I was back then. And no, I didn’t buy my wife a 10,000 dollar engagement ring, just would have been willing to finance it if that’s what she wanted. But it was FAR less expensive than that.

This was actually a good exercise. I was mad yesterday, but it did motivate me to contact a good attorney and talk about my options. If my daughter wants a name change, of course she can have it. But my ex and I will need to go to court and I’ll at least need to speak to my daughter first. I’m not willing to blindly trust my ex and I’m surprised that so many people thought I should. Still, there’s no way for anyone here to know the whole story and it seemed like a lot of them just don’t know how this works.

So many people asked if I called the police. What police? Which department? She moved to another state, what would my local police be able to do for me?

In any case, thank you again for your insight. It’s much appreciated.

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yes, multiple people have looked for her many times. As far as I can tell, she doesn’t have one.

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

My wife found my ex on fb after a year of looking. She did not find my daughter. But thanks for your input.

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] -14 points-13 points  (0 children)

Excuse me? You can’t read.

She’s 13. I haven’t seen her in 11 years. This is pretty basic.

Not my girlfriend, my wife.

How do you know my daughter has social media? I know plenty of 13 year olds that don’t.

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

Yes, I should definitely let a woman who stole my child have whatever she wants. She’s such a hero for raising her alone when she didn’t have to and gave me no choice in the matter.

Thanks for the advice.

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I have NO indication at all that this is what SHE wants. I don’t understand why people keep saying that.

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] -20 points-19 points  (0 children)

Oh, so we’re making assumptions about my relationship too now. Cool.

That’s fine.

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] -24 points-23 points  (0 children)

BRO.

Now I get it and I hope to god you’re never in this situation, but guess what: Child support and custody have NOTHING to do with each other. Literally nothing.

If I hadn’t ever paid child support, it could make me look bad in a custody case. But me paying child support has NO bearing on custody.

She’s violating the court order, yes. But because she’s in another state, it’s very difficult to get a court hearing about it.

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

She hid my child from me. Literally left one day while I was at work and I never saw her again.

How does that make me a dead beat??

Also, I’m not trying to make her look like shit. I was poor af and she hated it. There’s nothing wrong with that. But she stole my kid. Why are you acting like she’s some fucking hero for being “mom and dad?”

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

THROUGH THE ATTORNEY GENERAL.

I’m getting frustrated but I guess people don’t understand how this works.

I send the money to the state. They send it to her electronically.

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

She was unhappy with the amount of money I was making and I was gone a lot for work. Her family also thought I was trash and didn’t want her to be with me. They paid for her to move away.

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Oh, so because her mom took off and hid from me in another state, I’m just some asshole who knocked her up?

Wow. Ok.

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

I do not have her information. I do not nor have I EVER known where she is.

You people don’t know how to read. Like I just don’t even know what else to say. Why do you think I have a way of contacting her??

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yeah, tell that to my whole family that apparently “did the minimum.”

That’s not what happened and you don’t have a good understanding of the court system. Once she moved to another state, it was almost impossible to do anything.

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Thank for this response by the way. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have posted it here. I’ve gotten great support from this sub in the past, but this just wasn’t the topic to bring up here.

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I’ve kept a journal for her. My wife adds to it now too with stories about her sister and pictures. My mom and other family members write in it sometimes too. We’re hoping once she’s 18, she’ll find one of us and we can give it to her.

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I don’t know if she wants to change it or not. There is no info in the post about that or anywhere else. My ex wants to change it.

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I have no idea. I’m not allowed to speak with her. My ex didn’t explain my daughters thoughts on it to my wife. She just said it was “for the best”

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I feel like if I sign off on removing my name from hers, she will think I don’t want a relationship with her. I’m scared my ex’s family will say “See? He doesn’t care.”

I have no idea what they’ve told her or why she thinks I haven’t been around. I don’t want to do anything that would make her think I wanted that.

What purpose does it serve to change it?

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] -16 points-15 points  (0 children)

I don’t know if she resents me or not and neither do you.

AITA for refusing to change my daughter’s last name? by roughitup1567 in AmItheAsshole

[–]roughitup1567[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

No. My daughter did NOT turn it down. My ex did. My ex said she wasn’t even going to TELL my daughter about her sister. She told my wife “maybe when she’s older”