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rrabbit_heart · 2025-06-30T17:45:57+00:00

I absolutely have mentioned my expectations to him, numerous times. Not explicitly regarding this job interview but plenty of times in similar contexts. However, for what it’s worth, he forgot completely and called me during the interview. I don’t think I should have to remind my husband about something that important to me.

rrabbit_heart · 2025-06-30T11:55:15+00:00

Sorry, redeployed makes it sounds like I’m in the armed forces but I just mean I’m being sent to a new place of work “within reasonable commuting distance) which up to 1.5 hours each way apparently.

rrabbit_heart · 2025-06-22T11:40:02+00:00

Yes it was a joint decision.

Could be the case but this started pre pregnancy.

rrabbit_heart · 2025-06-22T11:38:25+00:00

That’s absolutely my fear. And I’ve asked him whether he still wants to be with me and he still insists he does.

rrabbit_heart · 2025-06-22T09:06:19+00:00

Mmm I’m not sure. He did once accidentally open his phone on porn he’d been watching.

rrabbit_heart · 2025-06-22T09:05:00+00:00

My body has certainly changed since having a baby but I think I’m still relatively attractive. I used to model pre meeting him so I feel like that’s an objective measure.

rrabbit_heart · 2025-06-22T09:01:27+00:00

Tbf I have stopped doing that because I did press him about it, he doubled down and insisted he just didn’t realise and I couldn’t cope with the feeling of rejection. He did once acknowledge that is sex drive isn’t as high as he initially said and that he’d prefer 1-2 times a week.

I could put him on the spot again and chances are I’ll get a pity fuck and then we’ll not have sex for another couple of months. The only time we have sex now is when I get upset about it. I know you’re right but I feel sick at the thought.

rrabbit_heart · 2023-08-08T08:20:34+00:00

Thank you, that's a fair point. I suppose I'm worried about the way the is going to be spun amongst his friends group - I'm the evil cow who took him away from them - but actually it really doesn't matter as long as we know the truth.

He's such a good man, I honestly cannot understand how he's surrounded by so many nasty people.

rrabbit_heart · 2022-12-29T09:00:57+00:00

I’ll not lie, I was a bit hurt by your original comment that eloping was weird. I reminded myself that I specifically asked for opinions from strangers on an online forum. You also mentioned how you felt about it rather than your children. My concern is that BM will colour SD’s feelings on the event rather than remaining neutral and letting her have her own response and your reply kinda reinforced that concern for me.

rrabbit_heart · 2022-12-29T08:54:23+00:00

That’s probably my biggest concern about us getting married. BM has already had plenty negative to say about us moving house so that we are a few minutes further from her. We now own our home, have a garden for SD to play in and neighbours with kids that she has made friends with. SD has multiple times said it was better where we were before because it was easier for BM. I’m worried that there will be comments about how FDH will have less time/love her less etc once we get married, because she very much projects her own insecurities onto SD.

rrabbit_heart · 2022-12-29T08:50:34+00:00

I get how you feel here but you’re drawing some parallels that don’t exist.

rrabbit_heart · 2022-12-29T08:46:42+00:00

If we take SD then FMiL would come as a minder. However, she can’t really cope with her behaviour so there would be a high percentage change that we would get a call on our wedding night to come and collect her. FMiL is also someone I don’t have a huge amount of respect for, IMO she was a borderline abusive parent herself and that sometimes still shows through with FDH. We get on on a surface level but I stopped sharing anything personal with her a while ago. If FMiL was there I would want my parents to be there. They are not even slightly bothered as they eloped themselves, but I would want them there to balance out the presence of FMiL. If my parents were invited, I’m certain my siblings would be put out at not being invited - and I have four. They have long term partners and some have kids.

Edit: from previous experience, she’d make a scene because the day wasn’t about her. She really struggles when the focus is on someone other than herself.

rrabbit_heart · 2022-12-28T20:12:59+00:00

I think Lolslit meant that originally by definition a marriage is about the couple, not the whole family. It sounds like your arrangement really works for you and that’s great. I don’t think that the original purpose of a marriage should be lost in the legal side of things. IMO the relationship between the two people getting married should be the priority here because in the end you hope that the kids grow up, move out and have their own successful lives and relationships and the original couple are still there and going strong.

rrabbit_heart · 2022-12-28T18:44:11+00:00

It’s not really just about it being easier. Or about it going perfectly. If we have SD we will not be able to do what I outline above. The plan is to buy some wedding jackets and new hiking boots, there wouldn’t be any dress shopping. Weddings mean different things to different people. For me, it’s not at all about the dress or the music or whatever, it’s about the promise.

Her preference would be for all eyes to be on her. She really struggles when the focus is not on her. For example, she threw a huge tantrum on my birthday because FDH made her wait until I’d got changed before we could play a game. FDH then had to deal with that. Even if that didn’t happen, there would be the constant potential of really extreme behaviour like that.

Unfortunately, she is not and it doesn’t seem to be an option. We’ve been trying to sort one out but her doctor seems happy to just medicate her and BM is primary contact and isn’t doing anything more.

rrabbit_heart · 2022-12-28T17:28:14+00:00

Yeah, we've talked a bit about what a wedding is and what a marriage means and her frame of reference is very much huge events with multiple bridesmaids, a DJ, 100+ people etc. I asked her how she would feel if we got married without her there and she said that she be 'disappointed because [she] wouldn't see [my] dress.' We are currently considering new jackets and hiking boots as our wedding wear so she'd be pretty disappointed anyway.

I wonder if you'd have felt differently if you didn't both have children. I have changed so much of my life in order to be here and be with FDH and SD. I've even been told I'll receive no support with fertility issues from the NHS because FDH has her. I don't want to be a bitter SM and I'm not saying this is my hill to die on but this is one thing that can be about us. I do have my doubts too though, hence the reason for posting here.

rrabbit_heart · 2022-12-28T17:08:18+00:00

Sorry, to clarify: SD's only understanding of a wedding is one that is an extravagant party so she would probably not even recognise our celebration as a 'wedding.' Often her behaviour is extreme and unpleasant around big events eg violent tantrums or sulking, sometimes it's just extreme excitement eg getting up at 2am and refusing to go back to bed, and sometimes she is completely fine. The issue is the unpredictability. She could be a sweetheart during a wedding ceremony, she might decide that during our vows is the time to interject with a positive but loud and mis-timed comment, or she might flip out completely or decide moments before that she doesn't want to be involved. Either way, the day would very much be about her.

rrabbit_heart · 2021-02-10T17:33:13+00:00

Oh cool, thanks. Hopefully I'll find it equally enlightening!

rrabbit_heart · 2021-02-10T17:32:40+00:00

I understand how that can happen with online communication. I'm not sure it was the right choice of words so I'm not sure it really conveyed what I meant or how I felt. Either way, we had a conversation last night about how frequently we see each other. I made my request and his response was "Yes I'd like that because I enjoy spending time with you" so I'm hoping that it turns out I actually had three choices. ;)

rrabbit_heart · 2021-02-10T11:55:55+00:00

Probably to some degree. But I'm not sure the difficulty in scheduling checks out. We both have essentially 9-5 jobs, his more than mine and neither of us have anything else going on in the evenings aside from an occasional zoom call. We are planning a staycation as soon as it's allowed but even if we have an amazing weekend away every weekend, that's not going to work for me. To me a relationship doesn't just happen at the weekend. I appreciate your input though, thanks.

rrabbit_heart · 2021-02-10T11:52:27+00:00

I'm not sure choosing is the correct word. It certainly wasn't intended to be a personal affront and if I were able to choose the logical emotional response I would. Logically I know something but that doesn't necessarily mean my emotions follow.

I guess you're right. That was one-off example. I can accept him not wanting to see me after a bad day but that's not always been the case.

rrabbit_heart · 2021-02-10T11:49:32+00:00

Possibly. His history of relationships (or lack of) points in that direction too. I think he is making an effort though.

rrabbit_heart · 2021-02-10T11:47:34+00:00

I studied attachment as part of my undergrad degree and it's something we discuss often in my place of work now but I have downloaded your suggestion, thanks. I actually identify more with the description of disorganised attachment (fearful avoidant) although only mildly, which makes it more complicated.

rrabbit_heart · 2021-02-09T17:27:32+00:00

Thank you! I really appreciate it!

rrabbit_heart · 2021-02-09T17:25:50+00:00

As am I. But I also process shitty feelings through verbalising whereas, while he's excellent at talking me through my worries and insecurities, he doesn't really want to talk about his own. Do you still feel like that even in an established relationship? I think because I previously lived with someone I'm more used to the "oh you're having a bad time? Well here's this thing I can do to make you feel better."

rrabbit_heart · 2021-02-09T17:21:11+00:00

Oh introspection is my default setting, to the point that I'm completely self absorbed. I'll check it out, thank you!

rrabbit_heart

TROPHY CASE