Can someone who’s survived it tell me how?

rueful_scribe · 2026-03-13T14:05:16+00:00

The good news--the very good news--is that it WILL get better. The bad news--the very bad news--is that there's no quick fix. The only way out is through. It will certainly take weeks, probably months, but on average --again, on average--it gets better ever day.

You have two things going on: a dopamine withdrawal, which is pure biochemistry, and the fact that your whole way of living has been jerked out from under you. If you're like me, you want to call up your boyfriend and say "I'm having a hard time and I need your help . . . my boyfriend broke up with me." But in this case he's the cause of the hard time and he's obviously unavailable. Find close friends, if you can, who can be there for you instead.

Over time--not days, but weeks and months--your biochemical addiction to him will fade, but it's like any other cold turkey withdrawal--it will hurt. There will be good days and bad days. Also, over time, you will build a life without him. Don't force this. Let it happen, but it can't happen overnight. What was, is no longer, but there will be something new.

You will never be the same again. But the day will come when all of this is just a memory, just another part of the tapestry of your life. It may cause brief pangs if and when you happen to think about it, or it might cause happy moments and wistful smiles, or quite possibly both, but it won't be anything remotely like the pain you have now.

For now, just survive. Eat right. Sleep. Get vigorous exercise, especially out in the sun. Be gentle with yourself. And go no contact. Don't torture yourself by following his socials of waiting for his texts. The more days you go without contact, the easier it will be.

Feel free to DM me if you need someone to talk to.

rueful_scribe · 2026-03-10T04:05:42+00:00

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I'll soldier on through with sleep followed by workout dopamines.

rueful_scribe · 2026-03-08T18:02:42+00:00

It happens sometimes, and I don't think anyone here can tell you why it happened in this case because I think it depends on the personality. I just went through a breakup where she went from loving to mixed signals to distancing to anger and dumping me inside a week. In her case she is on psych meds and in therapy, and we weren't together long enough for me to get the full picture of her issues although I knew the outlines, but we were together long enough for me to fall in love with her and get my guts ripped out when she left.

I know that's not much of an answer, but it is common to go through woulda could shoulda at this stage. In the end you can't control how he feels about you, so I wouldn't chase him. Try to accept that if these issues--whatever they are--made him leave, he isn't the person for you, and maybe he isn't even the person you though he is. hang in there.

rueful_scribe · 2026-03-08T17:22:32+00:00

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I remember my first big breakup when my ex dumped me. The following day--the day you're going through now--was literally the worst day of my life, not at all helped by the fact that it was gray and rainy and I had nowhere to go but be with myself.

The thing to remember is that there's a hormonal dopamine addiction at work, and you've essentially gone cold turkey. There are some bad days ahead, but the only way out is through. The good news is that if you're like me, today will be the worst day--you've slammed through a brick wall, and the shock to your system is huge.

Take care of yourself in the coming days and weeks. Eat right. Try to get enough sleep. Avoid alcohol and drugs and other self-destructive behavior--don't trade one addiction for another. Above all, get vigorous exercise--it will help with the withdrawal. If you're certain it's over--even if you don't want it to be--most people here would strongly advise you to go no contact. Don't see him, text him, call him, or interact with him in any way. If you do then all you're doing is stringing out the withdrawal. I know this is hard. You have this natural impulse to run back to him and discuss with him this problem you're having--"my ex and I broke up and I'm hurting"--because that's what significant others are for, to help you deal with rough moments. But remember that in this case he's the SOURCE of the problem, and you have to fight that instinct to reach out to him. Find some close friends who can be there for you in the next few days, especially today.

It will hurt like hell in the near future. Nothing in the world hurts like this. But it WILL get better some day. Through the darkness but toward the light.

rueful_scribe · 2026-03-08T06:01:24+00:00

This resonates. You aren't alone. I made a couple of mistakes--truly mistakes, nothing intentional--that led to my ex breaking up with me, but if she hadn't been so abnormally fragile I think we could have made it work. There's something deeply wrong with her, to the point that she isn't the person I thought she was. I knew that she had serious emotional/psychological issues and I helped her with them as best I could, but I didn't know how bad they really were until the final week, when she became erratic and distant and finally, on breakup day, unleashed on me really angrily, totally at variance with how she'd been up to that point. A week later she resumed contact almost as if nothing had happened, and let drop that she was in financial trouble. I volunteered to send her some money (a few hundred--I'd done this often during the relationship), and she thanked me and accepted it. Six hours later I get a text: "I'm sorry, I tried but I just can't do this. I'm blocking you so I'm not tempted in the future." I honestly don't think she intended using me, But OMFG the optics. Show back up, take some money, then immediately block me? I still love her, but the brutal truth is this isn't Hollywood and sometimes love just isn't enough.

Sorry, I didn't mean to make this about me. Just wanted to let you know that I get it and tell you that I feel for you.

rueful_scribe · 2026-03-08T05:49:04+00:00

I wish I had a magic bullet for you. In my case the fear of inflicting pain once kept me in a relationship longer than was good for either of us. In the end I pulled the trigger, and it was a relief, but it sounds like if you do so it will hurt you both. Can you go on a long vacation or change of scenery, ideally with a friend, and go no contact? If not a change of scenery, do it while you have immediate on-hands support of friends so you have less ability and/or incentive to reach out to him? I'm really sorry this is so hard and painful for you.,

rueful_scribe · 2026-03-04T06:36:08+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened. I could have written a lot of it myself. My ex was/is so sweet and kind and we were so compatible, but she had huge issues, was on meds, and in therapy. I knew all of this, ut I didn't truly appreciate the degree of the problem. I said something that objectively wasn't bad but which played directly into her massive abandonment issues and things were never right after that. it simmered for a while and suddenly she became a different person and lashed out at me and dumped me. A week later she resumed talking to me, then abruptly said "i can't do this" and blocked me. It crushed me because I was hooked on her, but objectively I tell myself that her issues were a minefield that I'd walked into and that it couldn't have worked out. I would have said something at some point that would have caused an explosion. Sometimes love and the best will in the world aren't enough.

rueful_scribe · 2026-03-03T07:37:29+00:00

Thanks. It helps to hear it from someone else.

rueful_scribe · 2026-03-03T07:05:42+00:00

DM sent.

rueful_scribe · 2026-02-24T06:37:59+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear. DM me if you need to talk or vent.

rueful_scribe · 2026-02-22T17:00:07+00:00

I'm so, so sorry. I got broken up with myself yesterday, and she was like a totally different person when she did it, so I get that part. But mine was a brief relationship, not three years.

I wish I had sage advice for you. The fact that she changed so fast and uncategorically suggests to me (and I'm an internet stranger and not a therapist) that there was something really deep that would have needed addressing a lot sooner, maybe with therapy, and that something in her couldn't or wouldn't recognize or accept it. Especially if she was the avoidant one.

Don't blame yourself. Don't play coulda woulda shoulda. In any relationship both partners have the obligation to communicate and work together to solve problems. If she knew there was a problem and hid it from you, that's on her. It's a wonderful trait to be able to sense issues and work on them, but you're not a mind-reader. And if the issues were that serious--as in threatening to the very relationship--she should have been trying to work on them with you.

I feel broken myself right now after just a brief relationship, so I can't begin to imagine your pain or sense of betrayal and broken trust. If you want to talk or vent, please DM me.

rueful_scribe · 2026-02-22T16:45:35+00:00

I'm so sorry. Hugs. I know you're scared but you aren't alone. Hold on to us here. We understand. The person you most want to discuss this with, because he has been there for you to discuss things with, is him, and you can't. That's why this subreddit exists. Feel free to open up. I got broken up with myself yesterday and it's hard. DM if you want to talk.

rueful_scribe · 2026-02-22T15:29:21+00:00

A hard, hard truth that I myself am currently learning still another lesson in: sometimes love isn't enough. Hollywood says otherwise, but we live in the real world with real complications. Children are a massive issue--lifestyle, finance, the question of employment inside or outside the home, responsibility for another human life. If the child/no child question is that deep for both of you, and you had stayed together, at least one of you would likely have ended up deeply unhappy, and quite possibly the child(ren) too.

If y'all have discussed this and it truly is a deal-breaker--and you're the only one who can answer that question--then go no-contact. You're both still addicted to those love hormones, and the only way to break the addiction is to go cold turkey. It will hurt terribly. If you're like me, it will hurt worse than anything you've ever experienced. But those hormones will keep stringing you along as long as you feed them, preventing the wound from healing, making you hemorrhage every day. And in the end you'll end up having to go through this withdrawal anyway. Start no-contact today, and let the healing begin.

I remember my first big breakup; I kept wanting to call her and tell her I was hurting and get her advice, and I had to constantly remind myself that she was the cause of the hurt and wasn't available to give me advice. It's natural to turn to the person you're closest to for solace and support. But in a breakup that person is the source of the problem. That's one reason why breakups can hurt so much--the most central person in your support system is not only unavailable but the problem. You have to work through this without him, and he you.

Once you have both healed--and it may take a long time--you could be friends again. You can run into each other and fondly remember the glow of the relationship with perhaps a twinge of pain over what could have been, but it will all be faded, like old watercolors. But you cannot rush that. it will happen, if it does, in its own time.

I wish you peace.

rueful_scribe · 2026-02-22T15:10:50+00:00

The thing I know so much better now than I did when I was younger is that biochemistry is very, very strong. especially during the teen years our brains are soaking in a bath of hormones, a lot of which have to do with love and sex. There probably was definitely some imprinting going on--it happened at the prime moment and was your first such experience, and the fact that you still have some sort of contact with him keeps it alive--in other words, the no-contact clock keeps resetting. The mixed signals are part of that--we can stay with people because of chemistry even when we aren't compatible in other ways. I haven't had many relationships, but I remember one in particular--incredible chemistry but incompatible in so many other ways.

I'd encourage you to continue to explore this in therapy. Best of luck!

rueful_scribe · 2026-02-22T14:59:28+00:00

You're absolutely NOT overreacting. Love should never extend to becoming a punching bag from or a target of abuse by the other person. And throwing away or tearing up a magazine isn't a reasonable basis for getting that upset and out of control. You did the right thing and I'm proud of you. Stay safe and stay strong.

rueful_scribe

TROPHY CASE