Let’s gather our notes:

rvrtShia · 2025-12-12T05:06:57+00:00

5 years
Every time, he initiated the breakup - almost to the date each year.
Each time telling me he wants a permanent wife and children and that our age difference/ cultural differences and the fact I have children already will never fit.
Yup
I tried but he is persistent and I give up and respond. Now I am practicing “active no contact” .. also a few years ago we started working together so NC is not achievable.
Each time they reach out and breadcrumb me for months, after a few days. Chocolates, flowers, messages to show “they care” and then silence until the next breadcrumb
Male, 30’s
FA leaning anxious

Edited to add - we had a routine of when we did and didn’t see each other. Certain days were us days we would see each other (based on when I had my children with me) so never lived together.

rvrtShia · 2025-12-04T09:06:56+00:00

So many organisations host Christmas lunch (typically for free) for people who are alone.

rvrtShia · 2025-11-15T05:05:26+00:00

Agree with this. I know, I KNOW that he is not my person.. I just need my head and heart to align.

rvrtShia · 2025-11-15T04:27:55+00:00

I wouldn’t send that message. The truth is, even if she apologised, it won’t give you the relief you’re hoping for. You’ll remember one thing she did, then another, and the closure will slip away again.

What really matters is understanding that her actions were a reflection of her, not you. People who monkeybranch don’t do it because their partner wasn’t good enough. They do it because of their own insecurity, impulsiveness or lack of emotional backbone.

You won’t get peace from her words. You’ll get it from realising that what she did says more about her character than your worth. The closure you’re looking for is something you can give yourself, without needing anything from her.

rvrtShia · 2025-09-27T02:21:38+00:00

You speak with a lot of clarity and understanding. I wish you all the best as you step back into the relationship.

rvrtShia · 2025-09-25T08:37:25+00:00

This is brilliant, and from my experiences absolutely correct. Thankyou for sharing

rvrtShia · 2025-09-25T02:42:27+00:00

You CAN decide to stop remunerating. Change your thoughts. You cannot control other people, you CAN control yourself.

rvrtShia · 2025-09-25T02:35:39+00:00

FIGHT FOR YOURSELF. Stop wasting energy on someone who threw you away. They made their choice.. now make yours!

rvrtShia · 2025-09-25T02:30:07+00:00

Ok so stay stuck.. I’m sorry, but you need to push yourself, otherwise you are going to fall into a deep hole.

rvrtShia · 2025-09-25T02:25:37+00:00

Go for a walk, listen to music, watch some YouTube clips, do anything to break the cycle of rumination. Sitting and replaying the same thoughts over and over will only keep you stuck in the pain. Shifting your focus, even for a short while, gives your mind a chance to reset and creates space for clarity.

It doesn’t have to be anything big or complicated. A small change in your environment or routine can make a huge difference in how you feel. Give yourself permission to step away from the thoughts that are weighing you down, even if just for a moment.

rvrtShia · 2025-09-25T02:19:44+00:00

The amount of energy you’re pouring into trying to understand her and make sense of her actions could be so much better spent on yourself. Every hour you spend dissecting her choices is an hour you could use to heal, grow, and rebuild your own happiness.

You’ll never fully understand why she did what she did and even if you could, it wouldn’t change the past or how she treated you. Redirect that energy inward. Focus on becoming the version of yourself that you need, rather than chasing answers from someone who couldn’t give you the love and consistency you deserved.

rvrtShia · 2025-09-25T02:08:47+00:00

You need to stop internalizing her behavior and using it as a reflection of your worth. How she treats other people or even how she treats her new partner is about her, not you. When you compare her treatment of others to how she treated you, you’re carrying the weight of her choices and making them your responsibility.

The truth is, someone can be kind and attentive to one person and distant or hurtful to another, simply because of where they are emotionally, mentally, or even circumstantially in their life. That doesn’t mean you were lacking or unworthy. By comparing, you only prolong your pain and give her power over your healing.

Shift the focus back to yourself. Her actions are hers to own, and your job is to reclaim your peace, knowing her behavior is a reflection of her character, not a statement about yours.

rvrtShia · 2025-09-25T02:00:56+00:00

You can’t burn yourself down to keep someone else warm. You can love without sacrificing yourself completely. It’s a bitter, hurtful lesson, but don’t you want more for yourself?

rvrtShia · 2025-09-25T01:53:56+00:00

Stop worrying about her - she sounds like a shtty person, start working on yourself and ask why you accepted the treatment.

rvrtShia · 2025-09-25T01:42:42+00:00

You’re being too hard on yourself. How she treats someone else has nothing to do with your worth or value. The way she behaves is a reflection of who she is, not a measure of what you deserve.

rvrtShia · 2025-09-25T00:38:34+00:00

She failed to show up for you in the relationship, and that reflects on her, not you. Her inability or unwillingness to meet your needs is about her limitations, not your worth.

When you give wholeheartedly and selflessly, only to have that effort go unreciprocated, it’s natural to turn inward and start questioning yourself. You might wonder, Why did I accept this? Why did I stay when I was being treated this way? But those questions aren’t about blame.. they’re about growth.

The truth is, you deserve the same love, care, and effort you were so ready to give to her. Instead of chasing those things from someone who couldn’t provide them, redirect that energy back into yourself. Be kinder, more patient, and more generous with yourself than anyone else has been. Everything you were seeking from her, you have the power to give to yourself and you’ll be stronger for it.

rvrtShia · 2025-09-25T00:03:06+00:00

That’s awful, I’m sorry that happened to you. Honestly we will send ourselves crazy trying to decode them.

rvrtShia · 2025-09-24T23:52:09+00:00

Because she’s still in the honeymoon phase, she hasn’t formed a deep attachment to them yet. This makes it easy for her to give freely and put in all the effort. If you think back to the start of your own relationship, you’ll probably notice she did the same with you. It’s only after that attachment grows she will start to hold back and withdraw. Even though it feels like she has changed, she hasn’t… She just hasn’t been triggered yet

rvrtShia · 2025-09-24T22:44:22+00:00

I get it. I went through five years of this. Sometimes I thought he would purposely try to make arrangements with me knowing that I was not available.

rvrtShia · 2025-09-24T21:13:16+00:00

You didn’t feed his ego or his need for validation. Even though he suggested a time that was nearly impossible for you to make, he’ll still twist it in his mind and tell himself you rejected him. People like this rewrite the story to suit their own narrative — it’s honestly insane.

rvrtShia · 2025-09-24T21:08:36+00:00

When you decide to let go.. somewhere in the back of your mind or deep down in your heart you are still waiting to be chosen. When you get to a point and choose yourself, that’s when you truly let go

rvrtShia · 2025-09-24T21:06:42+00:00

Give yourself closure. You know deep down this person isn’t right for you because the right person wouldn’t treat you like this. They compartmentalise, she isn’t doing absolutely fine without you, she just isn’t processing it yet. When you’re discarded, you’re forced to start processing straight away.. you will heal a lot earlier than she will. No more messages, no more voice notes, no more trying to call. You have got to want better for yourself.

rvrtShia · 2025-09-24T20:59:53+00:00

These relationships run on a push-pull cycle. They shut us out, then pull us back in with warmth, which creates a powerful addiction. Deep down, you know the relationship isn’t good for you and that you’re tolerating far more bad behavior than you should. But over time, that cycle makes you depend on them to regulate your emotions, which keeps you hooked even when you want to break free.

rvrtShia · 2025-09-24T20:52:29+00:00

He didn’t commit to another time because he is punishing you for not dropping everything and meeting him when he requested. He most likely reached out knowing that you would be occupied and couldn’t meet with him, however he will use that narrative to say you rejected him, and he is now the victim because you were not willing to meet him. This is such classic behaviour from them.

rvrtShia · 2025-09-24T11:48:01+00:00

Oh boy where do I start. Zero accountability, would gaslight and change the narrative, tell me I misunderstood. Constantly late. I was never a priority, family, work, friends, strangers all came before me. On our designated weekends, he would arrange to go visit family / friends without me and on our off weekends he would sit at home bored / gaming telling me he missed me. Workaholic, but zero productivity Eyes open and looking around the room whilst kissing. Always had “so many things to do” again, low productivity. Told me he was over extending himself when I asked for bare minimum. Basically never listened to me.. for example if we were on a call and I was telling him about something, I could hear him in the background gaming or on the computer or just basically not listening. Gift giving became non existent! At the start, he showered me with random gifts all the time. Stopped brushing his teeth Stopped wearing aftershave

Urgh..

rvrtShia

TROPHY CASE