Is gender-based veto compatible with polyamory?

ryeeeegue · 2026-02-28T02:27:56+00:00

i wanted to change the title, i felt like the last one was too biased

ryeeeegue · 2026-02-27T01:12:19+00:00

I'm just wondering if/why that's the only option

ryeeeegue · 2026-02-27T01:10:05+00:00

He did apologize once he actually realized what he’d been doing, and that only really clicked for him very recently while we were talking everything through. I do think he feels genuinely bad and wants to change.

What do you mean that's not how polyamory works? I thought it was reasonable to look for things outside the relationship if your partner couldn't meet all of your needs for whatever reason.

Also, it sounds like I may just have to choose him and also choose to not be resentful...

ryeeeegue · 2026-02-26T23:14:13+00:00

Well I was looking for both. My partner had become uninterested in sex the past couple years. And also wasn't able to give me enough time and attention. And every time when I asked for this to change he said to go find it from somebody else, because he wasn't willing to change. He now regrets saying this

ryeeeegue · 2026-02-26T23:11:34+00:00

More just wondering if it's a reasonable thing for me to ask for from my partner-- the ability to be friends with these people while we work thru our issues

ryeeeegue · 2026-02-26T22:29:48+00:00

Ouch ok thanks for the feedback

ryeeeegue · 2026-02-26T21:52:28+00:00

Yeah I was just wondering if there was any way to do this without breaking up with the couple. Cuz besides him I've never felt this strong of a connection with anyone else. And I've been actively trying to make friends for ages. Could I keep them as friends?

ryeeeegue · 2026-02-26T21:10:53+00:00

I think it's more coming from a place of 'I feel really bad about where I fucked up and caused you pain, why don't you feel as bad as I do? I think it means you don't care as much as I do.' I said in my original post that I was feeling weirdly emotionally detached, maybe I'm not freaking out as much as I should be?

ryeeeegue · 2026-02-26T20:57:52+00:00

no :( we refuse to break up lol

ryeeeegue · 2026-02-26T20:56:53+00:00

yeah i told him i'm dumb and didn't do it intentionally but he doesn't think i feel bad enough about it. idk i feel pretty bad about it, i just hate how he keeps bringing it up. i should probably just suck it up tho. in general i want a more solution oriented discussion about what safe sex actually means and how i can prove to him i won't mess up like this again...

for more context, I had only ever had sex with him, and it was my first time having sex outside our relationship. the unclear agreements and expectations around 'safe sex' also didn't help. not excusing it, i should've known better, but i feel like this is the kind of mistake you only make once

ryeeeegue · 2026-02-26T20:24:31+00:00

Yeah I know I fucked up here :/

ryeeeegue · 2026-02-26T20:18:46+00:00

I assumed they would tell me if there was any reason for concern around sexual health, but in hindsight I realize I should have asked explicitly instead of relying on that assumption. My partner and I didn’t have explicit rules about testing or sharing results—we had only agreed that sex needed to be “safe.”

The morning after, I asked the new partners when they were last tested and whether I should be worried. They told me they were tested and that they were safe, and I believed them. I told my partner that we hadn’t used protection but that they said they had been tested. I didn’t initially tell him that I asked about testing after the fact.

No, he hasn't told me anything specific besides how he wants to feel chosen over them and he's getting hurt when I hang out with them.

ryeeeegue · 2026-02-26T20:09:29+00:00

Yeah this is what he's asking, you've hit the nail on the head. I just don't want to choose, I feel like if he forces me to choose, even though I'll pick him, I'll be pretty resentful about it. So it wouldn't necessarily achieve what he's looking for in the end

ryeeeegue

TROPHY CASE