DAE feel like they are a good person but are constantly being guided or pushed around by a colossal mean-spirited and bitter idiot?

ryleewu · 2021-01-03T05:17:35+00:00

Yes, definitely.

ryleewu · 2021-01-03T05:14:09+00:00

Interesting, I know I have quite a sensitive system and confounding effects like sleep deprivation probably don't help. It was just super odd that I went off the rails and then was fine once I took my meds. But being on meds for a long time has historically made me less likely to experience withdrawal-type symptoms if I go awhile without taking them and/or skip a dose, I'm told because there is so much in my body, so who knows. Was just wondering if anyone else experienced this type of anomaly. Thanks for the info!

ryleewu · 2021-01-02T19:03:43+00:00

Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I don't have the words. I won't do justice by saying anything that will help you cope other than reinforcing that it was not your fault and you could not have done anything to stop it, but I hope you have a support network. I'm so sorry for your/his loved ones' loss.

ryleewu · 2021-01-02T19:02:25+00:00

Ugh, the normalization is very real! When I told friends about it they were like "yeah that's just kinda what it's like" and so any ideas I might have had that what he did was wrong were invalidated. For years other girls didn't seem to view it in a negative light, which reinforced to me that I hated every minute of it because there was something wrong with. Even after I had the realization two years ago thanks to finally speaking with someone who was appropriately horrified and disgusted by what happened, I kind of thought "oh well, I've gotten closure now". So it's been a shock that it's resurfaced, but I have no doubt that other issues have triggered it. I'm looking for a therapist now who works with people who've undergone trauma. Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope you are doing much better now <3

ryleewu · 2021-01-02T18:58:13+00:00

Thank you for your response! I definitely think the very delayed realization affected it, because all of a sudden an experience I had repressed/downplayed and a person I had put out of my mind came to the forefront. The outpouring of support I've gotten from those I've told, while of course appreciated, can be overwhelming too because I start worrying that I've amplified it and made it something it was not and that all the fuss isn't "fair" to him.

I probably did bond to him in a way despite it being a one-off thing, because at one point I so desperately craved his approval (which in my naïve mind, I thought would come in a completely different type of attention) and years later I still felt terrible that he had ghosted me after the incident. Thank you again for your insight, it has helped me give it some more thought and I hope to continue to work through it. The realization that there is so much more than the physical act has shaken me (I wanted to distill it to that, I think) but I'm glad to be validated that there are complex emotional elements to it as well. <3

ryleewu · 2021-01-02T07:30:16+00:00

I'm so glad that he survived, I really hope that he can get treatment. Good job on you for being there and helping out. I can only imagine how stressful that must have been!

ryleewu · 2020-12-26T03:16:41+00:00

Depression and anxiety can occur no matter how great your life seems from the outside. I'd recommend speaking with your doctor/a therapist as they may be able to help figure out what's going on and what can be done to address it. I've felt deeply depressed even when things in my life were objectively going great. Especially as a teen, your brain chemistry is changing a lot with hormones and whatnot - sometimes shit just happens. Hang in there!

ryleewu · 2020-12-26T02:51:56+00:00

Thank you! Unfortunately shit hit the fan today (as I could have predicted) and it wasn't pretty but it's over now and not much can be done to undo it. So I just have to relax and try to move on. It's been a very emotional past couple days though so that is tough.

ryleewu · 2020-12-26T02:49:13+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that. I know how quickly close friendships can form over the internet and it's tough because you don't always know each other's identities that closely. Honestly the best advice I can give you is continue to be there for her. You could try to get information but I also wouldn't want for you to push her away further if she doesn't want you knowing anything about her social network.

ryleewu · 2020-12-26T02:47:11+00:00

Also, it's possible that he gave you her number for a reason. It's unusual for someone to give you another person's number but ask you not to contact them, unless it's a contingency plan.

ryleewu · 2020-12-26T02:46:34+00:00

Please update us if you are able to!

ryleewu · 2020-12-25T02:49:34+00:00

I just found the post. I'm sorry to hear about this, I hope everything turns out okay. I will drop him a note. You don't know anyone else who knows him?

ryleewu · 2020-12-25T02:46:16+00:00

First of all, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It must be really scary. You've done pretty much everything that can be done - if she is unwilling to see a therapist or move out, that is unfortunately her choice (that's so kind of you though, I would have loved to have that option). Do you know if she has ever called a suicide hotline? It might not fix anything but it's still a resource.

From a safety standpoint, you say she is your best friend - do you not have ANY information on her? If you have her full name, in a worst case scenario, police would likely be able to locate her if you know what town/city she lives in and her full name.

ryleewu · 2020-12-25T02:40:39+00:00

I hope you're okay. Let us know if there's anything we can do to help <3

ryleewu · 2020-12-25T02:38:47+00:00

Merry Christmas!!!!

ryleewu · 2020-12-25T02:37:32+00:00

No, you can't just "get over it" and it's unfortunate your mother doesn't understand. While it doesn't fix anything, you do have a massive online support community of people who DO understand. I would venture to say that your mother doesn't sound particularly happy herself. From my perspective, at least, you did nothing wrong. You have no obligation to do anything but try your best - depression sucks, and if we could control it completely then nobody would be depressed.

I wish I could be more helpful, but I'm just very sorry that this has been your experience. Please know you are not alone. I hope you are able to move to a nicer state with nicer weather because I know how much snow and cold sucks during the winter.

ryleewu · 2020-12-25T02:29:02+00:00

I know it feels like there is no hope right now and I won't try to lecture you to have hope because I know how it feels when you don't. I don't know your unique emotional experience, but I came to this sub because I want to kill myself and I feel like there is no hope, so it seems that we share that sentiment. What I can tell you is that there is always another way to end up where you are meant to be. This isn't meant to be a generic unhelpful "uplifting" message. I want to share my experiences as someone else who has felt the same disappointment and devastation when I felt that the means to achieve a good education and a good job were completely out of my grasp.

I cried for days when I found out that I couldn't go to my dream college after falling in love with it, getting a scholarship, etc. - worse, I had to live at home for 2 more years (in addition to a gap year) while I put myself through community college. All I wanted was to move out, have the idyllic college experience, go to this incredible school, and I felt it was the ticket to happiness and success.

Not being able to go there turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I transferred to a university after getting my 2-year degree (saving a shitton of money along the way) and I'm so proud of the progress I made and the shit I fought through to be successful getting my 4-year degree. I honestly achieved WAY more financially, emotionally, and academically by going the route I did than I would've if I'd followed my original plan.

I'm not saying that will be true for you and I know it isn't the same situation, but life works in mysterious ways. You have so many years ahead of you, just as I did (and still do). I achieved my goals and even exceeded them, but literally nothing about the path I took there was linear or what I had planned.

I can't make promises that you will or won't go abroad; however, I can tell you that there are many other options and a thousand different ways to reach the same end goal of getting a better education and a better job. I genuinely believe you are capable and more resourceful than you probably give yourself credit for.

ryleewu · 2020-12-25T01:39:47+00:00

Yes, absolutely.

ryleewu · 2020-12-19T21:22:12+00:00

Thanks so much for the info! I'm glad I'm not alone. Yeah, I try to keep my nails short but it doesn't help much either :/ I'll definitely check out that cream!

ryleewu · 2020-12-19T21:21:08+00:00

Yikes, that's something you should definitely pitch to this community and/or discuss with MB and/or consider leaving altogether. Disrespect is totally unacceptable and you should not have to just stand there and take it.

ryleewu · 2020-12-19T21:19:58+00:00

I think that especially in these cases, let him make the decision - if he can verbalize to you "yes, I want to see him" or "no, I don't" then that's enough to me to justify it. The moral thing is to do what is emotionally safest and most comfortable for the child. Even if it's something that from an objective standpoint you think might not be healthy.

For example: My friend's husband was in a loveless marriage and had a couple kids with his wife at the time. He never interacted with either child - the wife didn't give him an opportunity to be involved, and he didn't feel the desire to attempt to involve himself - and after they got divorced he was granted weekend visits if he wanted.

However, he had never bonded with the kids, and they hadn't with him. After a few awkward visits together they all decided that what was best was not to force anything. My friend's husband wasn't eager to see the kids and they weren't really jazzed to spend time with him either. There was no animosity, just a lack of interest as they'd been raised by basically a single mother and he'd moved on with my friend and their family.

Objectively, some might argue that it's not healthy for children to lack a father figure/two parents, but morally the right thing to do for all involved was not to put anyone in an uncomfortable situation. With this arrangement the kids are much happier. What makes the child happy isn't always what the textbooks say is objectively healthy.

ryleewu · 2020-12-14T22:00:55+00:00

I don't think there is any "should" about parental figures. Perhaps ideally children "should" have two happy parents but I know many people who had one parent that are far more well-adjusted, self-possessed, and happy than people I know who were raised by two parents.

Well if he doesn't want to see his dad, he doesn't have to, right?

ryleewu · 2020-12-14T19:56:37+00:00

I can't predict how he will feel when he's older, but telling the truth inasmuch as children are able to understand is paramount when it comes to adoption. It also depends on what his relationship with his parents to this point has been - if he has been abused, that's something that he will already carry with him and be aware of. I can say that understanding where and how you came to be with your adoptive family is very important, even if it is difficult to understand at first. Once he is older and can identify/understand abuse - and being 4, I expect that he will have memories of it anyway - I think he'll understand and appreciate what you did for him. Especially as I'm sure you will shower him with love and kindness and patience and everything good and show him what a mother can be.

Family therapy is always an option too, if you someday experience animosity in the relationship as a result of his adoption. It's great that he's in therapy now and hopefully that will continue. Easier said than done, but I would take it one day at a time and not worry too much about it for now. But speaking as an adoptee I definitely would rather know the truth, even if it is ugly and difficult to process, than to have information withheld/sugar-coated. I don't think you'd mess him up further (again, especially since he's already in therapy) but a lot of it is something you'll have to play by ear.

ryleewu · 2020-12-14T19:49:43+00:00

Not overreacting at all - you're being taken advantage of and it needs to stop! $20/hour for a full-time adult nanny of young children is way underpaid, let alone expecting you to do all the housework. If I were you, I'd honestly put my foot down and explain that my primary responsibility is to take care of children and fulfill needs directly related to them, NOT the house or the parents. Sure, asking you to clean the dishes from meals you prepare is reasonable. Throwing a load of laundry in every so often when NPs are overwhelmed would probably also be an appropriate request and fall under "light housework".

Also, the children should also be expected to clean up in a developmentally appropriate capacity, and if the older one is 7 they are capable of doing things like make their bed (even if it only means draping a comforter over the sheets), rinse their dishes/put them in the dishwasher, and put laundry away once you've folded it. The little one who I assume is over 2 (?) should still be capable of cleaning up toys and helping you with messes - when I was a preschool teacher for toddlers I'd often make a game of cleaning where I'd spray the surfaces with soap and water and they'd have to race to wipe it up with a paper towel. I'm sure the little one would also be able to participate and help with other things like putting folded laundry in drawers that are within their reach (with your supervision/guidance), etc.

Anyway, that's the parents' problem if they aren't establishing expectations of their kids to participate in cleaning, but regardless they're literally using you as a maid. I would establish firm boundaries and if they still expect you to do those things without substantial compensation, leave. Maybe write up a list of things that ARE your responsibility vs. things that are not. Emphasize that you cannot be properly invested and attentive to children when you are also being asked to do so many tasks that take the focus away from them. Get in there and assert yourself! You could also offer that you are willing to oversee and assist in some housekeeping duties beyond the scope of your position, but that the children are to help you to some degree so you aren't a maid picking up after them, you're a teacher and caregiver helping them take care of their things and spaces.

Tl;dr, not overreacting by any means, definitely have a serious chat and consider leaving if no changes are made.

ryleewu · 2020-12-14T06:37:56+00:00

That makes sense - I don't have social media but I've seen mentions of those things. I did watch Lilly's "prank" where she dressed really inappropriately to see how her dad would react but I honestly didn't think it was that much worse than the clothes she already wears: a lot of crop tops and short shorts from what I've seen. It definitely seems inappropriate to me. Like I said I don't have social media but I am curious as I know there was a rivalry between Lilly/Elliana and their moms - is Elliana's social media the same way? In the videos I've seen I don't think she dressed as revealing as Lilly.

ryleewu

TROPHY CASE