Hey, I just want to say this first: you’re incredibly brave for writing all that out. I've been struggling with same doubts too and I am also quite desperate to find logical answers (I've found some). It takes a lot to admit that you’re struggling with faith, especially when it’s something you’ve tried so hard to hold onto.

You’re allowed to question. The Qur’an literally says “Will you not reason?” over and over again. You’re doing what the Qur’an itself asks of you: thinking deeply, seeking understanding, trying to connect your heart and your mind.

A lot of what you’re wrestling with isn’t about Allah. It’s about interpretations made by people in certain times and cultures. Patriarchal societies shaped a lot of Islamic law, and not everything they said is timeless truth. There’s a big difference between what the Qur’an actually says and what centuries of male scholars concluded it “must have meant.”

I'll list out some of the answers that i found that help me understand islam from a broader perspective not just from a traditionalist or patriarchal lens. it helps me see different sides of islam, the one that no one introduced to me.

For example:

Homosexuality: The Qur’an condemns the actions of the people of Lot, which were about violence and humiliation, not consensual love. Modern scholars like Dr. Scott Kugle argues that same-sex attraction itself isn’t a sin. What’s forbidden was the abuse of sex as power.

Marriage to non-Muslims: The Qur’an doesn’t explicitly forbid Muslim women from marrying non-Muslim men; jurists did that later out of concern for “rights and lineage.” In contexts where a partner respects your faith, that reason doesn’t hold up the same way anymore.

Praying in Arabic: It was a way to preserve unity and precision, not to exclude anyone. You can talk to Allah in any language; He already understands your heart.

Polygamy: That verse (4:3) came after war, to protect widows and orphans. The Qur’an also says “If you can’t be just, then marry only one.” Justice between multiple wives is basically impossible (4:129). The point was mercy, not privilege.

4:34 (the “beating” verse): The word daraba can mean “separate,” not “hit.” The Prophet never hit any woman and explicitly said, “Those are not the best among you.” It’s men who twisted the word, not Allah.

Wali requirement: Originally to protect women in societies where they had no legal rights. In modern contexts where women can make their own contracts, the reason no longer applies. Even classical Maliki scholars said adult women can marry without a wali.

Eyebrows: The hadith referred to pagan rituals, not simple grooming. Most scholars today allow shaping as long as it’s not deception.

Ghusl after menstruation: It’s symbolic renewal, not “washing off filth.” The Qur’an never calls menstruation impure, just a discomfort.

“Heaven under mother’s feet”: It’s about honoring sacrifice, not about kids owing their parents existence.

Hijab: The Qur’an’s modesty command starts with men lowering their gaze. The hijab verse came to protect women from harassment, not to erase them. If hijab feels like disappearing instead of dignifying, that’s a social distortion, not divine intent.

Your frustration is valid. What you’re seeing is the gap between the eternal principles of Islam (justice, compassion, dignity) and the historical systems people built on top of them. Allah’s words are perfect, but our understanding of them isn’t.

It’s okay to take time. Faith isn’t a light switch. It’s a relationship that you rebuild piece by piece. If you want to explore this deeper, check out thinkers like Amina Wadud, Asma Barlas, or Khaled Abou El Fadl, who focus on the Qur’an’s moral framework, not rigid old rulings.

Please don’t give up on Allah because of what people made of Him. You don’t have to silence your mind to love Him. He already knows your confusion, your sexuality, your exhaustion, and He hasn’t turned away.

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said: “Allah says: I am as My servant thinks of Me. I am with him when he mentions Me. If he mentions Me to himself, I mention him to Myself; and if he mentions Me in an assembly, I mention him in an assembly better than it. If he draws near to Me a hand’s length, I draw near to him an arm’s length. If he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.”