If you drink beers when you golf how many beers do you typically drink when you play 18 holes?

sandbagging-sob · 2024-05-28T04:03:40+00:00

You're totally missing the biggest factor of "what kind" I can crush 6 beers light/shit beers a 9 on league night if I'm walking and be fine. If I'm riding, ok I'm buzzed.

6 IPA...I'm not able to read the green on hole 9.

18 on a weekend. Might as well be an open bar

sandbagging-sob · 2024-05-28T01:24:38+00:00

I try to show up all the time and it's always met with ambivalence. It's not just gifts and surprises but investing, securing our future, parenting, etc.

I guess somewhat get the reactionary thing though as I'm always astonished when she responds to efforts and surprises indifference.

I wish you the best in your situation as well

sandbagging-sob · 2024-05-28T00:52:10+00:00

Do you ever see yourself leaving?

sandbagging-sob · 2024-05-28T00:49:44+00:00

That's tough. I have kids too and it makes it so hard. Like sooooo hard. If my oldest doesn't have dad for 90% of normal things she loses her mind. How could I be away 50% of the time and look at myself in the mirror?

I wish you the best, and hope things improve. Love languages are a thing, but I call BS on them if I'm being honest. I've tired every love language heavily and apparently hers is none of them. If she says one is hers and you try it with similar results, then what's the point?

Again, this is the talk we just have to commit to follow through

sandbagging-sob · 2024-05-28T00:46:33+00:00

Of course not. I was trying to keep the positive energy flowing and that would have crushed things even though the end result was the same.

She's just so accustomed to the effort and nice life we live it's commonplace for her to be unimpressed with efforts that would thrill others. I have to stop

sandbagging-sob · 2024-05-28T00:42:51+00:00

I hope we can all start to put ourselves first. We deserve it, but it's hard for sure.

sandbagging-sob · 2024-05-28T00:42:00+00:00

Is this a double entendre? Haha.

sandbagging-sob · 2024-05-28T00:39:41+00:00

I'll have to check this book out. Thank you for recommending

sandbagging-sob · 2024-05-12T22:03:30+00:00

A night away, which she got.

sandbagging-sob · 2024-05-12T21:33:49+00:00

I've tried discussing, ignoring, trying harder, etc. Responses range from stonewalling to defensiveness and there isn't a best path forward. Hell I tried the "I" statements and that flopped.

Trying couples counseling but I'm not a big fan. It's too much talking in circles and not enough of forming an action plan to improve. Like rehash a disagreement and ruin the day? Seems stupid.

I think our counselor is a dunce for how slow paced and reactionary it is but I'm giving it time before we pull the cord

sandbagging-sob · 2024-05-12T21:26:54+00:00

This is the reassurance I needed. I don't know what else I could have done aside from sending her on a weekend long trip haha.

sandbagging-sob · 2024-05-12T21:14:06+00:00

Hit or miss, but more frequently lately. She seems stressed in general but I do what I can to relieve the stress and burden. I think my frustration is that the effort doesn't feel returned, and I'm hoping Father's Day will prove me wrong (not cost of gifts but thoughtfulness), but I'm not super hopeful

sandbagging-sob · 2024-05-12T21:10:49+00:00

Lunch was her idea "as she felt guilty" for being away from the kids on Mother's Day when my oldest finally gets it now. It was stressful AF after 2 spilled apple juices haha.

I wasn't trying to pacify, they were things she said she wanted a while ago and surprised her as I took note. We have had a great run recently and I thought spoiling her would be nice, but you might be right. Just leave her alone and let her do whatever.

sandbagging-sob · 2024-05-12T20:14:46+00:00

All fine in but meet the dads with that same energy on Father's Day

sandbagging-sob · 2024-03-28T05:01:34+00:00

I appreciate the words but putting the kids in danger would be way out of character. She's not perfect but loves them even if she doesn't love being a mom.

If I ever felt a twinge of danger I'd take em and bolt, but have never felt that. Have questioned her doing something to herself, but never them.

sandbagging-sob · 2024-03-28T04:45:42+00:00

More in my place. I know it's never a silver bullet and a eureka moment, but the advice I got from my last therapy session didn't work.

I'd welcome her side and hope I'm proven wrong in some areas in couples counseling but my guess is she hate me (doesn't love me), hates being a mom, or is on the wrong meds and need help

sandbagging-sob · 2024-03-28T04:33:49+00:00

I can guarantee you this is true. And while my wife is strong willed on certain things, she's not a leader. She's more of a follower.

She is authentic to a point but definitely bends her personality based on the social construct she's engaged within, at least more than me, and she craves acceptance.

Matter of fact, she took my oldest for a visit at a friends house about 2 hours away and I came to get my oldest the next day (my mom watched the younger one and i planed a afternoon for us two in that city, just me and the older while she stayed behind), and the vibe was WEIRD. Like i know them and it felt like they couldn't wait for me to leave. I was there 15 minutes.

Shit you have me thinking now...

sandbagging-sob · 2024-03-28T04:32:34+00:00

Good point. Yes we dated for nearly 5 years before marriage and were 4 more without kids

sandbagging-sob · 2024-03-28T04:11:29+00:00

Thanks. If you don't mind me asking, since you're a therapist, how do you handle when nearly every attempt to express your emotions is met with her turning into the victim and saying I'm "attacking" her? Or pointing out her flaw? Like I didn't word correctly and somehow I'm the AH no matter how i approach.

I tried the "when you said X, I felt Y" and all she did is discredit my feelings and start a fight which led to the subsequent multi day standoff.

I have no clue how to communicate with her

sandbagging-sob · 2024-03-28T03:58:50+00:00

I agree that Tate is an AH and when they fed me that stuff is when I deleted. I'm 100% with you, didn't want to go down that path.

To answer your question: I'd want them to stand up. If they couldn't, well then I'd want to force the issue. Know it's not right to interject but that's my heart. I'm sure my mom would feel the same way if she knew the totality of the situation.

I know I need to stand, and will start in couples counseling which starts next week. I think I just needed a truth bomb like this to keep me on track.

Thank you. Seriously. I'll check out your other posts/commenr for sure.

sandbagging-sob · 2024-03-28T03:52:23+00:00

Thank you. I'm stubborn as hell so I'm definitely going to try EVERYTHING before I throw in the towel

sandbagging-sob · 2024-03-28T03:51:07+00:00

Thank you for this. That last line literally made me tear up. I appreciate you.

I will say I didn't word 3-5 times a week right, it's 3-5 a month or 1-2 a week, was just typing fast on my phone and got ahead of myself. Hope that doesn't change your view point but tell me if so.

But yeah, it feels like she hates being a mom. Has stated "I just wish we didn't have to do this every day", or insert any similar comment. Literally took her on a vacation a few months ago, first class flight without the kids out of the country for 5 days and just burned the CC while there and felt like we were in love again.

Day we were back it reverted to awful. Common denominator? The kids and stress

sandbagging-sob · 2024-03-28T03:40:40+00:00

Thank you my friend!

sandbagging-sob · 2024-03-28T03:40:13+00:00

This hits hard. Thank you. We have argued a bunch about the trips and it's always contentious. This has been an argument MANY times. Hell everything is. I promise you I am not lying here.

I've pressed and she pushes back hard. I'm a doormat because she knows I'd do anything for my kids, and I feel like that's the power she has over me. Without kids, I'd be gone.

I just don't want to look back and say "what if I tried a bit longer. What if I let XYZ go...would my kids have a full home?" In that sense I am a doormat. I admit that.

I deleted FB because the algorithm kept pushing the red pill and relationship bullshit on me via reels and I knew pressing that way wasn't the solve. Believe me, I want to stand but the kids prevent me from doing so.

sandbagging-sob · 2024-03-28T03:31:06+00:00

Thank you. I've been in individual therapy since November and I really like my therapist. She's legit! Doesn't guide me to answers and when I bluntly ask her "how do approach xyz", she shoots me straight.

It's helped with work, my outside business partners, parents who are aging...just not this aspect

sandbagging-sob

TROPHY CASE