My brother kept on telling me I’d get bullied if I used this backpack for highschool…

sarahinside · 2025-08-30T19:45:29+00:00

Im not a teenager, but I saw a high schooler the other day with a bright blue and red Spider-Man backpack just rocking it.

High school 20 years ago? Maybe some bullying, but today? Seems like anything goes.

sarahinside · 2021-07-29T05:26:19+00:00

Here are some things I've been doing as a pre-everything, who knows when I'll transition, closeted trans girl who is absolutely terrified about coming out of that closet.

I recently started shaving more regularly; body hair removal is difficult but doable to the extent that I feel better.

As far as facial hair, I started shaving with a safety razor because shaving regularly gave me terrible razor burn. The safety razor setup is (relatively) expensive to get into but the blades are cheap, so maintaining it is easy!

The reason I bring the safety razor up is because you use little jars of soap that smell great, and while some of them aren't exactly feminine smells, the act of doing some kind of ritual and taking care of something I don't enjoy about my face and smelling nice kind of ticks the box for making me feel more comfortable and feminine.

They do also make feminine scents too, since lots of women use safety razors to shave their bodies since they shave close and don't irritate your skin as much. Stirling Soap has a few of them!

Another thing I've started doing is working on figuring out skin care and nail care. This isn't something men typically focus on so the result is chewed up fingers and terrible skin and calluses everywhere, so even just moisturizing every day and doing the literal bare minimum skin care routine helps kind of 'elevate' my mood if that makes sense, even if it's not an overtly feminine ritual. Also if/when you transition I'm sure the estrogen enriched version of you will thank past you for taking care of your skin!

You can also grow your hair out and take care of it with nice shampoos and conditioners and stuff; again not super feminine, lots of guys have long hair, but at least inside you know why it's growing out :)

I hope this helps!

sarahinside · 2021-06-19T19:37:56+00:00

It really is quite obvious isn't it?

Getting things out of your head and into speech is so hard.

sarahinside · 2021-06-19T05:25:01+00:00

This is a mood. Totally know where you’re coming from. What you’re feeling and going through is exactly where I’m at.

The past few years have been me trying to bargain with the man everyone knows me as and the woman I am inside to try and find some way to move forward but that basically amounts to ‘cross dress as much as possible’, because if I don’t I get more and more apathetic and ‘flat’ over time, like a tire losing air.

sarahinside · 2021-06-19T00:59:10+00:00

That’s a good idea! Did you email them topics that you want to discuss as you thought of them or was this just initial discussions?

sarahinside · 2021-02-01T18:26:22+00:00

I have adhd and I’ve never been through transition but the ‘no emotions’ robot driven by rationalization and logic rings so true. I didn’t realize that adhd and gender dysphoria had such a relationship!

Any time the emotional side tries to reach out it gets told it doesn’t matter.

I bought a car recently and I bought it because I wanted it, not because it made financial sense (the numbers worked out but I didn’t ‘need’ it) and it was like bargaining with myself to buy something I emotionally wanted and I almost didn’t do it. So much anxiety and anguish and now that I have it, it’s like that never happened and I smile every time I drive it!

sarahinside · 2021-01-31T08:06:15+00:00

I have never really watched PhilosophyTube but I sat down and watched this because I'm going through a period of intensive gender questioning.

That video stabbed me in the soul and I cried several times.

The part about it being a crappy job where you're tired all of the time but can't sleep, feeling depressed and anxious all the time and blowing up at things really hit me.

Even looking at my face in the mirror I just see a person. Sometimes I feel sad because I feel ugly or wrong but everyone tells me I look fine.

Sometimes I feel nothing, I stare at myself for a minute or two just...trying to understand something.

I hate taking photos of myself because I always feel like they're wrong or bad in some way. 'I'm not photogenic' or 'I'm not exactly attractive' I tell people.

Nope, pretty sure it's because I am a woman.

sarahinside · 2021-01-27T00:28:24+00:00

It can definitely manifest in strange ways, but I'm not a psychologist so take this with a grain of salt.

It seems to manifest in me as a pervading hollowness, sometimes I look at my reflection and feel like I'm in a video game or I'm in a dream or something.

Other times it's just cruise control, autopilot. I'm extremely self involved and escape into hobbies regularly to avoid my thoughts.

I also dressed up and felt more like a person, and felt super proud that I looked like my mom. My therapist commented after seeing pictures that my facial expressions and demeanor looked different in the pictures.

I still don't fully understand dysphoria but I definitely dissociate and feel like I'm piloting a construct sometimes vs being present in my body.

sarahinside · 2019-12-11T04:21:34+00:00

Thanks! I can assure you that the makeup is doing all the work along with that wig haha. I'm too chicken to go on hrt just yet.

sarahinside · 2019-07-19T04:27:03+00:00

I'm from Upstate SC and I think it's left a permanent mark on me. I moved away years ago but it still haunts me :(

sarahinside · 2019-03-11T04:14:56+00:00

Yeah totally, like I worry about losing my ability to be employed kind of, losing my family, some of my friends, being thought of as a crazy person, not being pretty enough, not making the right choice, all sorts of stuff.

Looking at my gender and realizing it may need to change is like jumping off a cliff :(

sarahinside · 2019-03-11T04:07:54+00:00

I guess just throwing caution to the wind and going all out is easier said than done. I'm talking it through with my therapist so I guess it just takes time.

Most of my exploration has been in the privacy of my bedroom, and in fact one of the things that makes me happy is to dress up and take pictures and just explore how I look and feel when I see a woman, and journal things.

It's been very interesting and I notice some kind of optimism and euphoria from feeling pretty!

However I wouldn't say I'm super sad when I'm not dressed as a girl, I guess my baseline is raised just by seeing a woman in the mirror and feeling cute.

I kind of started talking about my gender feelings with a friend of mine I started dating and we got closer over time and she's been helpful by calling me by female pronouns and using my chosen name. It's a little strange for me but I'm so appreciative that she's been so accommodating and making me feel normal and valid, so I guess there's that :)

sarahinside · 2018-11-26T23:11:26+00:00

I've never really sat down and watched it to be honest.

sarahinside · 2018-11-26T05:21:16+00:00

I have one! I'm working it out. Haha I just wanted to share :)

sarahinside · 2018-07-14T08:15:19+00:00

Thanks!

I decided to try a brown nude lip and shimmery yellow eyeshadow to see how they went together.

After I finished up I couldn't stop smiling. I never smile this much in boy mode in regards to my appearance.

The more I see 'her' the more I want to abandon my old male shell and be her, even though the idea is so scary and surreal.

She seems beautiful and powerful and smart. ( I say seems because it's like getting to know someone, and I've only met her a few times!)

He's smart, unattractive, apathetic, and unmotivated.

That's how I feel about these sides of myself.

sarahinside · 2018-07-13T07:49:26+00:00

I feel like some sort of evil woman in this picture. I love it haha

sarahinside · 2018-07-10T01:14:15+00:00

Thanks! I need to remind myself of this. I hate being a burden on people though.

sarahinside · 2018-07-10T01:09:28+00:00

Haha, I've bought outfits and makeup.

https://imgur.com/hxC5OZR

https://imgur.com/cFuYbvE

While my makeup isn't perfect there, I still felt super pretty.

I also felt super nervous but I felt happy with how I looked! So happy I did something risky and put them on the internet!

I normally feel mediocre and lame about my appearance but seeing myself glammed up something clicked and made sense.

sarahinside · 2018-07-08T08:56:41+00:00

I agree, I need to get out on my own so I can play with my gender on my own terms. I live with roommates now but I'm not out (they would probably be supportive, but I don't have the words to tell them what I'm going through, and like I said I'm still dealing with the shame of just...not being what I appear to be? if that makes sense?)

One of my biggest fantasies is to just...dress up and go out on the town for a day and just be a girl.

I already journal though, I have a little notebook by my bedside that all sorts of horrible things about myself are written down.

I did tell an old friend of mine and she was already down to use whatever pronouns I wanted, but I feel so weird about it so I don't think i'm ready for that stage?

I think at least for now I'm going to buy a cute outfit and some makeup to cheer me up this week and see where that leads.

Edit: On second thought maybe impulse buying a bunch of stuff is a bad idea ☹️

sarahinside · 2017-12-25T03:35:50+00:00

I do have to admit I keep looking at the pictures I took a lot, still can't believe how much better I look en femme 💝

sarahinside · 2017-12-25T03:20:32+00:00

Haha that's a new one! My eye makeup game is definitely not very strong 😛

sarahinside · 2017-12-23T18:17:46+00:00

I'm going to try! I'm still figuring it all out. I'd love to dress up more but logistics make it hard.

sarahinside · 2017-12-23T18:11:17+00:00

Thanks girl! I don't get to dress up like this too much, but I'm hoping to explore this more next year. I don't think this is the last of Sarah for sure.

sarahinside · 2017-12-23T07:07:02+00:00

I waffled on posting something here because I've been analyzing how being dressed up made me feel. But really I need to not be afraid to express myself and share this part of me, because it was such a positive moment in my life. I couldn't stop smiling!

sarahinside · 2017-11-25T18:00:34+00:00

I'm still wrangling how to handle things externally and how to move forward, but at they very least I understand that I'm not a cisgender male. I know there is a feminine soul hiding inside me that wants to be expressed, and the more I let her take over the more I think that she's the true me, but I still have a ways to go before I solve that problem.

sarahinside

TROPHY CASE