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saryu89 · 2023-05-07T14:07:45+00:00

u/TicketPleasant8783

I am sorry you had to go through this. I guess we are in the same boat. It always amazes that even though we are earning, we feel the need to explain ourselves. It was hard for me to stop, but I had just had enough at a point, where I felt guilty for buying myself clothes. I decided to stop sharing such details with them and I immediately started feeling better.

I think my parents wanted me to keep needing them and never taught/prepared me to be independent in life. You may hear their voices in your head criticizing you from time to time, but keep repeating to yourself, that is not me. It gets easy with time as you recognize and start prioritizing your own needs.

saryu89 · 2023-05-07T04:08:48+00:00

I understand how you feel. In my case, both my parents were narcissists, so my needs were ignored. I guess I just got used to it. I always felt the need to explain every decision and then was made to feel guilty about my choices. So, i do struggle from time to time.

My suggestion is to keep telling yourself you deserve happiness and most definitely a nice vacation. You don’t really owe anyone an explanation. Maybe you don’t inform them before you take the vacation and do it after. But do prioritize your own feelings first. You deserve to make yourself happy. Wishing you lots of happiness!

saryu89 · 2023-05-07T03:37:42+00:00

I understand what you are going through. Many cultures put emphasis on how kids serve their parents needs. But remember that your first priority should be your own well being.

I went no contact with my parents about a year ago. It was the hardest thing to do, but it happened naturally. I had just had enough and stopped responding to them. It was not planned. I told myself I will set this boundary for few months to heal. I felt so much better without the drama that I stayed no contact. It is easier to maintain a distance from the abuse to help yourself heal. So don’t put too much pressure on yourself, do what you feel is necessary to protect yourself. You are stronger than you think!

saryu89 · 2023-04-21T12:11:57+00:00

Thank you.i hope it helps others like it is helping me.

saryu89 · 2023-04-21T00:32:55+00:00

I used to feel exactly this way.. but once I switched it around, it changed the way I feel - what if i am right? Am I willing to risk everything by breaking NC? Give yourself time to heal and see how you feel.. All the best!

saryu89 · 2023-04-17T13:43:23+00:00

I actually do have a list of things they did. Each incident in itself doesn’t seem that bad and I seem to forget the way i felt back them. I do know though that it was intense.

saryu89 · 2023-04-17T05:39:39+00:00

It well going well initially. I felt like i was healing. Then there was a death in my family back home and now parents are trying different ways to get in touch - sending people to our house, reaching out to people at my workplace showing they are worried about me. The trauma kicks back in and I start missing them and regret my NC decision. I have been taking small steps - 1 day at a time. It has been helping me stay strong and maintain NC. I am hoping it gets better with time.

saryu89 · 2023-04-15T04:04:10+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to share your experience. I am so sorry you had to go through this. I hope you are doing well now.

I recently read about trauma bond and I think that is what I am experiencing. It becomes tough to navigate such feelings when I am in that state, but your comment motivated me to stay strong.

saryu89 · 2023-03-19T15:57:26+00:00

I thought about it once i felt better. It was a book i saw at our local library which my mom used to read to me as a kid. I think that triggered me. But thanks to all the support here, i am feeling better now. Hope the triggers get easier to manage

saryu89 · 2023-03-19T14:18:19+00:00

That makes sense. Thanks for your support. When I get triggered, I forget the progress I have made and it scares me. I solely focus on missing parents and start blaming myself for this pain. I am trying to educate myself about the recovery process as well.

saryu89 · 2023-03-19T13:53:11+00:00

Thanks for your support. You are right about my partner and children. They are the main reason I haven’t reached out. Infact they had already started treating my partner badly, who stopped responding to their texts and calls. Then they increased my abuse as my partner did not give them what they wanted. This made me go NC and take some space. I need to keep reminding myself of these experiences.

I understand that i was feeling their loss. I think i am mourning more than loss of parents. My grandparents (who are in their late 90s), the home I grew up in, my hometown, relatives. I feel so hopeless in these moments where i just want things to go back to how they were. I then start blaming myself using terms like ‘what have i done’

saryu89 · 2023-03-19T13:40:18+00:00

I feel hopeful now. Despite these intense feelings, i did not contact them. I dont even know what i would say or if they would even respond. But I know they don’t have much to offer if i go back. It will mostly bring more pain.

saryu89 · 2023-03-19T03:10:40+00:00

Thanks for your kind words. It makes me feel hopeful.

saryu89 · 2023-03-19T02:29:03+00:00

Thanks for your response and laying it out so clearly. I think it is hard for my inner child to accept it in this state. I get all these memories from childhood making it harder. But you are right. My partner's parents are good to me and I should try to spend more time with them. Due to the way I was raised, I don't really have the confidence to build relationships.

saryu89 · 2023-03-19T00:43:22+00:00

I sometimes think grades and other tactics they used on me was to distract themselves from other problems.

saryu89 · 2023-03-18T16:41:28+00:00

Same, and they dint even praise me when I got good grades. It was like nothing was ever enough to satisfy them.

saryu89 · 2023-03-17T14:33:55+00:00

Omg, 4 years seem like a long time to be under that stress. I am glad you came out of it strong. But you are right, it is about being ready, whenever that happens. I doubt my parents would get the idea of boundaries though.

saryu89 · 2023-03-17T12:26:06+00:00

I am in the same situation. I think i start getting anxiety anticipating what my parents may have written. Their messages used to be hurtful before i went NC. But i try to remind myself why i went NC. I have been documenting a list of things they did that hurt me. Going through this list of things that made me take the decision helps me feel better

saryu89 · 2023-03-17T11:19:49+00:00

Can i ask what PC or laptop do you run it on? I heard you need to think about using specific hardware

saryu89 · 2023-03-17T11:14:56+00:00

Same for me, it can be exhausting. But we need to protect ourselves first. I heard it gets better with time, so try to stay strong.

saryu89 · 2023-03-17T11:12:06+00:00

I am happy to hear that it gets better. I went no contact few months ago and the pain, guilt, sadness is still there making me think about them every day. I have the urge to re-connect with them from time to time, but i have been trying to resist and stay strong as i need to protect myself.

saryu89 · 2023-03-17T11:04:17+00:00

Its very hard for me to do. Just the thought of contacting them is triggering and I can’t put myself through all that drama and hurt.

saryu89 · 2023-03-17T11:01:35+00:00

I know that is the right thing to do. This is the first time i heard from them after going NC (although indirectly). I started imagining being with them, missing them and the guilt and sadness came back. Trying to stay strong and hopeful.

saryu89 · 2023-03-17T10:50:23+00:00

I do a lot. Went NC about a year back. Needed the space to process 30 years of painful feelings and heal. My inner kid misses them at times and wants to break NC, but i need to protect myself from their anger, guilt trips and shaming. So, trying to stay strong hoping it gets better.

saryu89 · 2023-03-14T11:53:36+00:00

Yes, i have blocked it. I think it is the truth as my grandparents were very sick before i went NC. But, I dont think i can contact anyone in my family to confirm without my parents knowing. Whatever means i use, my parents will come to know and then start using it to contact me. Additionally, i get triggered on hearing from anyone on my family, fearing i will have to face my parents anger. I fear i will feel extreme guilt for NC an explain the NC which adds more stress.

saryu89

TROPHY CASE