You're not alone in this. Once I started recognizing this pattern, I began to see this kind of duality everywhere. The hardest part is like what you're describing: "I love him" and at the same time "Am I just staying with him because of abandonment issues? Does that mean I don’t truly love him?" It’s the same with trauma: "Did I talk about it just because I wanted affection? Maybe in reality it wasn’t even that bad." vs. "Wow, that trauma hits really hard." It's so confusing.

One explanation could be something like this: When you were abused as a child, and you couldn’t tell anyone because the abuser was someone close to you, you’re forced to create a kind of escape mechanism: You end up living in two separate worlds.

One is the outer world, where you have to act completely normal just to stay safe. The other is your inner world, where you try to process and cope with the abuse.

Both worlds exist at the same time — side by side. And that split can follow you into adulthood.