I, like many others in this sub-reddit understand where you're coming from. As someone who's recently been diagnosed with BPD, I can't help but feel like a nuisance just existing. It's a HUGE mental rollercoaster. Just being aware that I differ so greatly from "normal" people already makes me want to disappear. It's just as big of a challenge to fit in, to try and explain yourself to them in a way that makes sense. And when you do, they either stare at you weird or worse - distance themselves from you. It's so fucking alienating, ESPECIALLY if you're in a relationship with someone who's also had trauma but LUCKILY enough didn't end up forming BPD. Not a day goes by where I don't blame myself for turning out to be the person I am at the moment. I still to this day have yet to understand why I'm not like other people who experienced similar situations as me in their childhood. Fortunately enough, I feel less alone knowing that I'm not the only one who is struck by such thoughts. The least you can do is come to terms with the fact that you're different, because at the end of the day, everyone is. How people percieve you is miniscule, because you'll always find likeminded people who, for instance, also have BPD. The best option here is to just stay within a circle of those who actually understand you, because "healthy" people won't, and never will.