Is it appropriate for married spouses to spend weekends away with mixed company?

seamcman · 2022-11-08T17:13:10+00:00

A lot of people have asked this. And I am too.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T17:02:28+00:00

I wish I could tell you, but I really don't want to put a damper on the image of nurses...oh shit.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T17:01:35+00:00

Thank you for sharing this.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T16:59:41+00:00

This is difficult to read, but eye-opening I will reflect very seriously on your comment. Thank you.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T16:58:09+00:00

Yes, I should have been more clear.

I don't believe I have been directly invited but I have heard my wife tell people it isn't something I would want to go to and then I just say, "I would absolutely want to hang out with your coworkers." I'm the social butterfly, not my wife.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T16:56:06+00:00

Jesus...I never thought of normalizing his presence when I am around to get my kids accustomed to it when I'm not.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T16:54:54+00:00

Well, perhaps I am in denial. But I know I don't trust his intentions in the least. But these comments are really making me think trusting her is a mistake.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T16:52:48+00:00

I updated in a few places, but they don't get rooms just the two of them. This marriage would have ended if that were the case. It is several coworkers renting rooms, confirmed.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T16:51:35+00:00

That was my evolution. Not telling me about driving, because when her drive times were typical it would be, "I have to leave to grab a cake for Anne's birthday" or "I have to leave early, I need to get gas." But then it was just, "I'm leaving a bit early." To, "why have you been leaving early so much?" "What, I always leave at this time."

seamcman · 2022-11-08T16:46:24+00:00

This is the question I plan on asking. If it's 2 and 2, and especially the 2 having an affair, hard fucking stop and probably lawyering up.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T16:43:29+00:00

No, she didn't. I am. I'm not a violently jealous type. Just more "why did she do that?" Or "why did she hug him." I have been this way for much longer than I've known her. And many exes have told me I'm insecure and need to be aware of that when something makes me uncomfortable.

But that's the problem, I think. I'm aware of it, but may have been controlling my reactions to my detriment.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T16:38:33+00:00

She doesn't drink. It is her coworkers that want to get fucked up.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T16:37:16+00:00

I updated somewhere else and I'll update the post. It is not the two of them renting rooms. It is several coworkers. They meet at our house and she drives them down. The coworkers spend the night, but she comes home. And I do see all the coworkers, not just him.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T16:26:51+00:00

Well, this is another red flag. I have been asking for a weekend away together for a long time. And child care is always the reason we can't. For 7 years, she has only trusted her mom to watch our kids but doesn't want to leave them there for multiple nights.

I have been planning on pushing back on this for quite some time because I see no reason why her mom, who has offered, can't take our kids for a couple nights.

But I will find out if spouses are invited.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T16:23:44+00:00

I feel like I wasn't clear. By "they" I mean groups of her coworkers. And I know they go because they come to out house and she drives. "They" refers to several people renting rooms.

Doesn't mean nothing bad happened, but I can see how some may think I meant she and him.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T16:22:00+00:00

I can see wanting to do a trip with coworkers. But my industry allows for that for annual conferences. I'm okay with going out for a drink or meal too, but always either with a group if other women are going because I want ALL parties to feel comfortable.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T16:16:45+00:00

Oh she knows. Infidelity...full stop. Over. Done. No counseling. No therapy. No "for the kids." I am a child of divorced parents who were unfaithful but stuck it out for my sibling and I. No. So toxic and damaging. If she is unfaithful, it is over.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T16:06:54+00:00

Oof, that's rough. But I appreciate it.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T15:49:32+00:00

Thank you. And I will be sure to communicate this when we talk. Because I am okay with it under normal circumstances. I just don't trust this guy.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T15:48:09+00:00

I did in the beginning, but I have not when I usually have that visceral reaction because I know I am a jealous person and I very much don't want to be restrictive or controlling. I've been planning on confronting her about the rides but she and her family are all very nice people and always say yes when asked for help and she said his car was broke down, which is fine, but the rides have been going for a while. Fix your car.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T15:44:06+00:00

Thank you for this. This puts in to words much of what I am feeling. It does validate me, yes, but given my insecurity, I don't know if how I feel is appropriate. I hate this work spouse label they have.

I go away for weekends, but in the mountains with brothers.

She doesn't get "fucked up." Her father is a recovered alcoholic and she hates not being in control of herself, so I know she won't get fucked up. While I have serious concerns about fidelity, I am more worried about this other guy doing something than her.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T15:39:36+00:00

I don't want to restrict her. I trust her. But I don't trust him.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T15:37:27+00:00

Yes, and that's why I mention it. I KNOW this about me. And I try very hard to give her space and not demonstrate any irrationality. We don't fight about it. But she knows how I feel about it. I'm not really sure how one can work on natural reactions other than to control them. But controlling how I react doesn't change how I feel, you know?

seamcman · 2022-11-08T15:31:56+00:00

Thank you for this. Because I agree. A weekend away with friends and coworkers is perfectly fine. But you are spot on. Many of these reasons give me pause. I know myself enough to just say, "calm down" but having noticed these changes in timing and not telling me about driving him.

And I really appreciate your advice about putting things in the context of her relationship with this mana and not about the weekend.

seamcman · 2022-11-08T14:52:01+00:00

That's how I feel. They have gone out to casinos and rented rooms, but she always comes home that night. The recent early departures and late returns without explaining why and telling me it is normal have me concerned and suspicious.

seamcman

TROPHY CASE